One Blonde Girl

You're Invited!

2011-08-14T15:45:00.000-04:00

In Which I Explain My Departure from OBG

2011-08-11T15:22:00.000-04:00

Yes, after months of contemplation, I have decided to abandon One Blonde Girl. I no longer have the drive nor the passion to continue this blog. The imagined pressure of having to maintain a certain (negative) attitude on this blog has gotten to me. I no longer feel that I am in the same place as I was when I started this blog, and therefore I can no longer continue. I went back and forth on my decision to bail on OBG, and occasionally I still have discouraged, down-in-the-dumps, bitter moments when I think, "this would make a great post!", but those moments have become few and far between. My life has changed, and so my blogging needs have changed.

I'm not exiting the blogging world for good, but I'm certainly (drastically) changing directions. As I mentioned a few days ago, I've started a new blog, Sweet Feet Shuffle, that I feel is a better reflection of my newly discovered self. I certainly don't expect everyone to join me in my new home, but I hope that a few of you may be interested and will follow me. While in the shortly lived prime of OBG, I really enjoyed writing here and the feedback I received from you all. I will miss being here, but I think my new home will be a better, more positive, place for me to be.

An excerpt from Sweet Feet Shuffle:

About Me
Hi. My name is April, and I'm a 30-something year old blogger. I'm a soon-to-be first time mom, an elementary art teacher, and an all around good person (in my opinion). I am often crafty and artsy. My favorite, most rewarding thing to do is to work with my hands, whether it be baking, working with clay or assembling IKEA furniture (I'm a pro!). I also have a short attention span and numerous, fleeting interests, which has me bouncing back and forth between projects and activities.

While I would never consider myself to be spiritual (and certainly not religious), I strongly believe that optimism and positive thinking have a significant influence on my life. I try to avoid negativity and "bad vibes" in order to be as happy in my life as I can. I believe in Karma, or at least a version of it, and I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am relatively superstitious.

I've been involved in the blogging world for a few years now, and due to some drastic changes in my life over the past year, I decided to recreate, so-to-speak, my blogging identity to better suit my current outlook on life. I started blogging as a means to "find" myself and discover what it was I wanted from life. My blogs were a place for me to reflect and collect. While I was still "lost" in life, I found my blogs had ventured into very bitter, negative and resentful places, often masked with an attempt at humor. It'd been very hard for me to continue with those blogs because I no longer felt like I was in that place, but I felt that I had to continue maintaining that image for my readers. I was no longer being true to myself and went on hiatus in order to re-evaluate my reason for blogging. Enter Sweet Feet Shuffle, a blog that I hope will be a more realistic representation of my life, as it is now. A life that has become very positive, happy and satisfying.

Why "Sweet Feet Shuffle"?
While in grad school I was working on a journaling art piece that had me documenting my experiences with insomnia. During this process I kept notes on the phrases and images I could recall from the fleeting moments of sleep I managed to get. "Sweet feet shuffle" happened to be one of those phrases, and it seemed so poetic and appropriate that I knew I needed to somehow incorporate it into my life. When I decided to create a new blog for my new life, I immediately knew what I would call it.

I don't expect to be a daily blogger, and I plan on focusing more on content and quality rather than quantity. As my interests change frequently, my content most likely will to. I anticipate that this blog will become a reflection of who I am, an account of the more enjoyable aspects of my life, and a place to collect all the things I love. I intend on writing about being a new mom, including my adventures in cloth diapering and breast feeding. I may include aspects of my teaching life, although I do maintain a separate blog for that. I'll include stories about my family, about general things in life and probably even some DIY projects and tried-and-loved recipes. I might include some fashion posts, some design posts and maybe even some posts about my own art work. Most of all, I intend for this blog to be a positive place for me and my readers.

Of course, I'm not all sunshine and rainbows. I do have a penchant for the darker side of life. I'm an avid Stephen King reader, a horror movie lover, and my musical tastes tend more towards punk/post-punk/alternative rock/indie rock, so you can expect aspects of that side of me to trickle through onto this blog as well.

Thank you for stopping by, and I hope you are able to find something enjoyable or informative here, and if not, that's okay too!

I've Moved!

2011-08-08T15:22:00.001-04:00

Well, not me personally, but I'm in the process of moving and combining my multiple blogs to make life easier for me. You may find that I have transferred some content from this blog over to my new location, but you might not. Most likely you were unaware that I have been juggling 5 blogs up until today (although some have become quite neglected), and so I decided to realign my blogging life to meet my new and improved lifestyle (compared to when most of my blogs were started). So... here's where you can find me now....

Art Teachers Hate Glitter- A blog about the realities of the day in the life of an art teacher. I very rarely post lesson plans or project ideas and instead I mostly write about the real-life struggles of being an elementary art teacher. With humor. Most of the time.

Sweet Feet Shuffle- My newest, consolidated blog (making One Blonde Girl and The Bittersweet Blonde obsolete). Things you'll find here will include DIY projects, links to cool and pretty things I like, posts about being a new mom, posts about things I may be doing in my everyday life, artsy posts, and whatever my new found happy-go-lucky self decides to write about. What you will not find here is the bitterness and down-on-life sh*t I was prone to writing about at my now defunct blogs. This blog is significantly less anonymous than my others.

The other two blogs that I'll be maintaining will remain out of the public realm. One is for my family and close friends, and the other is private, just for me and my daughter-to-be.

I hope that you can all find something you like with my content and can join me in my new home!

Remember When We Used to Get Drunk Together?

2011-03-30T21:46:00.001-04:00

Yeah, me neither. But damn! Those hangovers were a bitch, weren't they?

On my way home from work today I was thinking hard about potential blog posts. Usually driving is a great time for me to brainstorm, but lately? Not so much. I've got nothing. Nothing at all. In fact, It's time to take an official hiatus.

So... I'm officially taking a break. I realize I've been on a break for awhile now, but at least by making it "official" I'll no longer feel guilty about not posting. I'm too distracted by all the great things happening in my life right now to give this blog proper attention.

(Yes, this is my actual baby-to-be. Yes, baby-to-be is a girl.)

Do I intend on returning? Who knows? I've got some events and get togethers and time off coming up in the near future, so... maybe. In the meantime, you can still find me writing about the "joys" of teaching art to snot-nosed brats at Art Teachers Hate Glitter, or you can find me and all my new found gushy soft spots for pretty girly things at The Bittersweet Blonde (If you're the kind of person who's interested in baby updates and style and design, this is the place for you).

'Till next time! Or not.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-16T06:41:00.000-04:00

DISCLAIMER: Please don't think this is true and get on my case. I'm not a smoker.

RST: Alfalfa, Oatmeal, Food Poisoning, New Job, and Things I Miss

2011-03-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

I hate giving this man anymore attention than he deserves, however maybe it's just me, but doesn't it look like Charlie has the same barber as Alfalfa? I can't help but think that every time I see him in a pic with this unfortunate center part (that and, "Man, what a dork.").

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I have yet to master the perfect bowl of oatmeal. It's either too dry and ends up like paste, or it's too watery. One of these days, though. One of these days. I'm determined.

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Every time I'm cooking or cleaning in the kitchen, I pretend that I'm in a Goofy How To short circa the 1940s, and I imagine what the narrator would be saying about me. In my case it would be called How To Catch Salmonella in Your Kitchen. The narrator would say shit like, "Notice how OBG dries her mixing bowl with the same towel she just used to wipe up that spilled egg. Ah yes, her chances of food poisoning are great now."

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The G-Man starts a new job in about a week and a half. I know what you're thinking, "Wait, didn't he just get a new job?" Yeah, he did, but that was, like, six months ago, so, you know, it's about time to move on. Actually, as it turns out, there were some sketchy things going on at that new job that the G-Man had been misled/lied to about when he was hired, and it was decided that it would be in his (our) best interest to move on. Don't worry though, it only took him about a month and a half to secure a new job this time, and he only turned done a few outrageously shocking job offers. The G-Man's luck blows my mind. If you can call it luck. I mean, who becomes a Senior Systems Engineer with only a Bachelor's degree in psychology (from a state school, no less!)? The G-Man, that's who. Really though, this new job is a good thing, no matter how much of a hard time I give him about it.

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I miss raw sushi and regular cups of coffee and whiskey and wearing my favorite clothes and not gagging on red meat and sleeping on my stomach and eating popcorn for dinner and having an itch-free belly and...

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And that's all she wrote, folks.

Previously on OBG... Season 2 Premiere

2011-03-07T17:17:00.000-05:00

Although inspired in part by a true incident,
the following story is fictional
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

Last Season on OBG...

... New glasses were purchased, Snood was played, there was a hiatus for God only knows what reason (read: probably a hangover), 4th of July was a wreck, bar brawls almost broke out, a bunch of people in a bar talked about their kids, meaningless shit was discussed, hippies were puking in porta-potties, and people were stupid. What does this season have in store for us? Let's find out.

Scene Begins.

We're in the kitchen of OBG's townhouse, around 5:00 pm, on a Saturday night. OBG and the G-Man are on their way to a surprise 40th birthday party. OBG has just finished whipping up some appetizers, has removed the Brie en Croute from the oven, and is about to put the hot plate of golden cheese stuffed bread onto the serving platter when she notices something unusual. The G-Man is poking holes in the aluminum foil covering the mushroom turnovers. The act of hole poking isn't so unusual as it is beneficial for allowing the release of built up steam, thus preventing the turnovers from becoming soggy, but what is so unusual is that the G-Man has taken it upon himself to poke the holes without being asked to (OBG was about to do it after she dealt with the Brie en Croute). Thoroughly impressed, slightly taken aback and a tad bit distracted, OBG proceeds to move the plate of Brie to the serving platter.

"MOTHER FUCKER!"

With a sudden clatter, the plate of Brie finds it's way back to the stove top as OBG, with tears streaming down her face, proceeds to nurse the burned fingers on her right hand. But not before putting the pot holder she was holding in her left hand down on the counter.

End Scene.

This Season on OBG...
... What will this season bring for OBG? Will a new home, a new town, and the presence of new people bring exciting and interesting experiences for OBG (Ed's Note: Probably not.)? Will "pregnancy brain" and the impending birth of a baby have any impact on OBG's everyday life (Ed's Note: Probably)? Did OBG really leave her house and attend a surprise birthday party in her bedroom slippers (Ed's Note: Yes she did.)? And with alcohol off the table, will OBG's weekends be exciting at all? Will the audience even care? Is this the season OBG jumps the shark (Ed's Note: Apparently the introduction of new characters has that effect)? With all these Editor's Notes, do we even need to tune in for the next episode (Ed's Note: ...)?

Stay tuned to find out the answers to at least one of these questions and to the questions you never even knew you had.

The Pros and Cons of Being Knocked Up (and I don't mean in the British sense)

2011-03-03T17:34:00.000-05:00

Pro: I don't have to worry about whether or not the scant number of tampons left in the box will get me through this month's "visit".
Con: I'm pretty sure the bloody mess at the end of this ride will more than make up for it.

Pro: No more tumultuous and psychotic PMS.
Con: I now cry at the drop of a hat. Or the fall of a student. Or while I'm standing in front of the pantry trying to figure out what to bring for lunch. Or during commercials. Or TV shows. Or upon receiving texts. Or when my Kindergartners just won't SIT DOWN AND GET TO WORK AND STOP CALLING MY NAME OVER AND OVER AGAIN. You get the picture.

Pro: A medically valid reason for gaining weight.
Con: After spending half my life trying to either maintain or lose weight, a guaranteed progression of weight gain is kind of hard to accept.

Pro: Food cravings. Especially the ones for healthy things, like fruit.
Con: Food cravings. Especially the ones for fruit flavored candy. And chili dogs. Mmmm... chili dogs... (which, by the way, I never ate before becoming knocked up).

Pro: Bigger breasts.
Con: Bigger breasts.

Pro: A slow down in hair growth on parts of my body that aren't the top of my head.
Con: Who am I kidding? This doesn't have a con.

Pro: People seem validly concerned about my health and well-being.
Con: The increase in attention and question slinging directed my way.

Pro: Having an excuse for being tired/lazy/energetic/cranky/angry/whiny/happy/joyful/bitter/antisocial/stupid/clumsy/forgetful/tearful/giggly
Con: Actually being all of those things. In one day.

Pro: Having loose, relaxed muscles.
Con: Repeatedly dropping platefuls of food on the floor that I just spent many minutes preparing in order to calm my growing, raging hunger.

*Sigh*

24 more weeks to go.

RST: Clothing Woes, Spidey, Beano, and Sheen-Oh (aka The lamest RST ever)

2011-03-01T08:23:00.006-05:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

One of my "favorite" games to play lately is Does it Still Fit? The "not a chance" pile keeps getting larger. Looks like someone is going shopping this weekend. *Sigh* (And if you don't understand this, you obviously missed this post.)

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I briefly (as in a few weeks) had a housemate who was interning with the company that was building the set for the Spiderman Broadway musical last summer. Interestingly enough, he informed us that a production like Spiderman was never meant to be a success so that after it bombs on Broadway, they can immediately take it to the road. Too bad it has yet to really make it to Broadway and it is already bombing. Poor Spidey.

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I never, ever, ever thought I would have to purchase a product like this. At least, not for another 20 years or so, but I have to admit, I don't go anywhere without my Beano right now. I'm so grateful for it (and those who work with me should be as well).

Seems this "condition" of mine comes with some wonderfully fun "side-effects". (Oh, and dear Twin of mine, SHUT UP! I'm not talking to you anymore, because I know, you didn't have to go through any of this. You suck.)

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Good God, can Charlie Sheen just overdose already and get out of the spotlight? What a self-important, ego-maniac.

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And that's it. I've got nothing else. Except a headache. Talk about the lamest RST ever.

I (finally) explain myself. Or something like that.

2011-02-25T17:41:00.000-05:00

You may find yourself making a trip to the grocery store for butter and sour cream.

And you may find yourself purchasing pickles as well.

And you may find yourself also buying chocolate chip cookies.

You may find yourself in the candy aisle, with a bag of Starbursts in your hand.

You may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"*

And your answer to the above question will probably be one of the following:

"I'm stoned, again."
"I'm shopping while hungry, again."
"I'm shopping while pregnant, again." -or-
"I'm shopping while frustrated with work, again."

If you're like me though, your answer to the above question will be

5. All of the above except for #1 (that sort of thing is generally frowned upon while being #3).

Yup, that's right folks, you read that correctly. I... am... (drum-roll please) HUNGRY! Oh, and I'm pregnant too. Thought I should just throw that out there. It's already "Facebook official," so might as well tell the rest of the world. Here, I'll even share my "making it Facebook official" photo with you:

(Well, technically I am, but by default the G-man is too. Or something like that.)

So, that's been my deal for the past so-and-so many weeks/months. Which is another way of saying I totally blame the person growing inside of me for why I haven't blogged in forever. This being pregnant shit can be rough. But I survived the milestones of the first trimester and am now honeymooning in the second. I didn't realize how bad I was feeling during the first three months until I started feeling good again. Like my stepfather always says, "The best part about pain is when it's over." Amen.

In case you're wondering, "Oh hey, OBG, if you're feeling so great now, how come you're still not back to blogging regularly?" Well, now it seems, despite my return of energy and easing up of nausea, I'm suffering from frequent migraines, and if you know anything about migraines, they make looking at a computer screen feel like there are shards of broken glass being driven through your eyeballs.

(You aren't really affected by this, but I had to share that I needed to take two days off from this post in order to nurse a migraine. I'm back now. Again, I doubt you even noticed.)

You're probably wondering, "What does this all mean", right? Well, it means my life is in the process of changing significantly, and therefore so will my blog. In fact, I think I touched upon that once or twice before. Don't panic yet though. I have no intention of becoming a "Mommy blogger," not that there's anything wrong with that. There are plenty of Mommy and Daddy bloggers out there that I enjoy and who do a pretty damn good job of writing some pretty gosh darn entertaining shit. I would be lying though if I didn't admit that being a brand new shiny mommy (or mommy-to-be) won't seep it's way into this blog. I'm sure it will. I'll try to keep it to a minimum though.

In the meantime, while I'm still trying (and can find the time) to sort out the direction of this blog, let me answer some FAQs before you ask them. When I'm finished, if you still have questions, you may find the comment section to be a suitable place to ask (that's the teacher in me speaking right there).

OBG Prego FAQs (in no particular order)

When are you due?
In August. About mid-August. August 19th, to be more specific. If you're not any good at pregnancy math (and who is?), that puts me at 15 weeks.

What are you having?
Um, I'm not well learned in the matters of biology, but I'm pretty sure we'll be having a baby. Oh, you meant what is the sex of the baby? Don't know yet. Ask me again in about a month, and if I'm in a good mood, I might decide to tell you. Or not.

Will you and the G-Man be getting married?
Geez folks! We've only been together for 10 years. We should probably give it some time to see if we even like each other before we rush into any hasty decisions like marriage.

How are you feeling?
Like there's a human being growing inside of me, and I no longer have control of my body.
Like there's a massive water balloon that has taken up residency in my gut.
But otherwise, not bad. My back's starting to hurt, and I get horrendous headaches, and I have horrible... Oh. You were just asking to be polite? You didn't really want a list of my woes? No problem. I feel great! Thanks for asking!

Do you have any cravings?
Fruit and candy. And pickles, but that's nothing new.

Will you be returning to work after wards?
Uh, yeah! Did you not read this post? Although, I'll admit, I have fantasized about being a SAHM (look! I know the lingo already!) for at least the first six months, while embarking on some creative endeavor that would allow me to do so and still bring in some dough. But I'm realistic. I'll have to go back to work.

Can we see pictures?
Um... if you're family and/or close friends you can. I'm not sure how I feel yet about posting prego pics of me on the internet yet.

But what if we promise not to laugh?
Fine. I'll give you one picture:

(The dreaded "pregnancy mask")**

Alright, well that's enough with FAQs. And that's enough from me. I've got big important stuff to do. Or something like that.

Wait! One more thing. If you're so inclined, pop back and reread my New Year's Resolutions. I promise you you'll see them in a whole new light.

* Swiped from Talking Heads.

** FYI this was at 13 weeks. There's a bump there, but mostly this will serve as a basis for comparison for all the future bump pictures I'll be taking for close friends and family.

Reasons Why...

2011-02-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

you have a crooked smile.
you let me take your car to work in bad weather even though you hate driving mine.
you turned Christmas music on for me when I was decorating the tree. and I didn't even ask you too.
you tolerate my flightiness.
you like to vacuum.
in an emergency, you will run to store for me and pick up feminine products. with zero complaints.
you have far more patience with me than I probably deserve.
you empty and reload the dishwasher without being asked to.
you have the balls to make up your own rules.
you tell me that you love me almost every single day.
you know that I like black licorice.
you laugh at me when I complain about my nose fat,
and when I dance around the house like a lunatic,
and when I sing loudly, horribly off-key and out of tune... in the car... and in the house.
it's fun to cook with you,
but sometimes you'll make me food without my help.
you know when I need a hug.
you hold me when I'm crying.
you're good at just about everything that you do.
you're the most intelligent and capable person I know.
you think quantum physics is light bedtime reading.
you have many hobbies and interests, which amazes me.
you're encouraging and supportive and, for the most part, so very understanding.
you're just plain wonderful.

... I'm so in love with you.

OBG Returns to Blogging? Eh...

2011-02-04T22:29:00.002-05:00

The word on the street is, I've been a seriously slacking blogger as of late. And by the street, I mean Twin's blog, Mommy Doesn't Wrestle, where she publicly scolded me for being absent. See?

click to enlarge

I can't even be offended by this, because it's so very true. But you see, my life has been pretty... uneventful as of late. My weekdays consist of getting up at 6:00am, leaving for work at 7:00/8:00am (depending on which school I'm at), getting home at 4:00/5:00/6:00/7:00pm, catching-up on the ever-important internet news (aka Facebook), eating some food, watching some Netflix, and going to bed. Pretty frickin' boring stuff that I'm positive nobody wants to hear about. I'm bored just writing it.

And my weekends aren't any better. There used to be a time when my weekends were filled with all sorts of debauchery, but lately? Not so much. In fact, as I type this, on a Friday night, before 10:00pm, the G-Man is snoring away on the couch, and I'm contemplating heading to bed soon. Of course, this means I have very little material for my blog. As happy and content as I am with my life right now, life is pretty fucking lame.

Actual dining room

The most exciting thing I anticipate my weekend providing is my bravery in trying caviar tonight when the G-Man and I went to the Russia House Restaurant for a rain-checked birthday dinner (I ended up getting miserably sick for my birthday). I had the Russia House Noodles and Caviar, by the way. The G-Man had Morskiye Grebeshki. I don't remember what that was. If you must know, look it up on the menu.

Actual owners

In case you're wondering, the dining experience was really nice. From the moment you walk through the door, you're waited on by the actual owners, who do everything from take your jacket, pull out your chair, flambe your appetizers table side, take your order, serve your food and bring you your drinks. Basically, they do it all. In fact, the only other staff I saw was the busboy. Granted, the place wasn't what you would call "hopping", but I was impressed nonetheless.

Last weekend wasn't any better. The highlight of that weekend was walking around the Washington Auto Show for six or seven hours. I did get to sit in some pretty nice cars though. Towards the end of the evening, much to his dismay, the G-Man had to literally drag me out of the cars. If you've never sat in an Infiniti before, I highly recommend you do so. One could almost curl up and fall asleep in the comfy front seat of those cars.

At any rate, life is happy. Life is lame. Tune in next week. I'm thinking of painting my toenails on Sunday, and I know you're going to be dying to find out what color. Will it be pink? Will it be silver? Will it be blue or red? Who knows? Things are wild and crazy here! It might even be *gasp* purple.

MLK Jr. Hijacked My Birthday

2011-01-17T09:34:00.000-05:00

Awhile back there was this guy who fought for some things, said some other inspiring things, received a special day in honor of all these things, and every once in a while that special day falls on January 17th, and I get a day off for my birthday. So I guess it's not such a bad thing that I have to share it with MLK Jr. this year. It's not like I'm not used to sharing my birthday, what with the whole twin thing.

So yeah, I've got the day off, and my big plans include laundry, hanging curtains, cleaning, cooking, and maybe I'll throw a shower in at some point. There are some dinner plans to hit the Russia House Restaurant (however, upon viewing the menu, I might be having second thoughts about it...)

If you're so inclined, pop over and wish my sis a Happy B-day.

RST: Homeless man, Laziness, Home alone, Snow and An explanation.

2011-01-11T07:29:00.001-05:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

Source

I'm happy for this man. Really, I am. But can we please stop talking about him now? Yeah, I'm looking at you, Today Show. Please stop featuring stories about this man. I could really use a tear-free morning.

I mean, okay. Tell us the story once, let me shed my tears, and then let's be done with it. Did you really need to then reunite him with his mother the next day, show footage of him calling her "Mommy", and then discuss how his mom doesn't want to be disappointed by him again?

*Sigh* I'm tearing up right now.

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Have you seen this yet?

It's no wonder foreigners hate Americans. We're so gluttonous and lazy!

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I've spent some time home alone recently. It sucks. I've noticed that I have, um, some odd behaviors when I'm home alone.

I turn numerous lights on throughout the house and don't care about turning them off for fear that something might get me if I do.
When I sleep, not only do I close the bedroom door, but I also lock it. Yeah, it gets a tad nippy in there, but at least I have a barrier between me and would-be murderers.
I talk to myself.
I talk to inanimate objects ("Hey bed! I can't wait to crawl into you!").
I eat poorly. I mean, really, really poorly.
And I don't clean up after myself. At all.

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Source

I can't believe I'm going to say this. I miss snow. Yeah, I said it. I miss real snow. I mean, if it's going to be so freakin' cold, there should at least be snow on the ground, right? Right now we have a weather warning in effect for our area. Apparently there's *gasp* an 80% chance it's going to snow tonight, and we might get *gasp* 1/2"-1" of snow accumulation. Whatever will we do? How will get anywhere tomorrow in such horrendous conditions? I should really go and stock up on some bread. And milk. Crap. What if it starts snowing while I'm at the store? How will I get home? WHAT WILL I DO?

Oh, right, I grew up in an area and a time when it was quite common to get hit with multiple feet of snow in one storm.

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I'm losing that blogging feeling. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm perfectly content with my life right now. I have no inspiration or motivation for blogging anymore. In fact, the thought has crossed my mind (numerous times) to quit altogether. I think my humor and cleverness comes from a dark, bitter place inside of me, and that place has been silent for quite awhile now.

I started this blog as an outlet while trying to deal with my nomadic and confusing lifestyle. I was trying to figure shit out. It appears that my life is in the process of settling down, and my shit is figured out. I know where I'm headed. I know, for the most part, what tomorrow will bring.

I'd hate to give up on this blog altogether. But as my life is changing, I think it's time to revamp this ole' bloggy blog. There are changes on the horizon. A new voice. A new look. A new focus.

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6 Trends I'd Like to See Die in 2011

2011-01-10T06:59:00.000-05:00

1. Mustaches. Enough already. Yeah, they were amusing for a bit, but now? It's time to move on. Let's leave the 'staches for the funky grandpas and Burt Reynolds.

Men's Facial Hair Trend I'd Like to See in 2011: Bushy eyebrows.

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2. Bacon. Personally, I love bacon. As a food. Do I want to wear it/sleep on it/hang it on my wall/become friends with it on Facebook? No. Can we please put bacon back where it belongs? In the frying pan.

Meat Trend I'd Like to See for 2011: Purchasing locally raised meat and poultry from independently owned farms.

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3. Cupcakes. Honestly, I liked cupcakes better before they were trendy. They were quick. They were easy. And you didn't feel guilty after eating one like you would after eating a mongo slice of cake. I'm happy the world is finally getting over them so I can now enjoy them again.

Baked Good Trend I'd Like to See in 2011: Cup-pies, à la Chuck's cute little desserts from Pushing Daisies.

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4. Skinny Jeans. Let's call an orange an orange, shall we? These are restyled tapered jeans. They weren't cool in the 80s/90s and they sure as sh*t aren't cool now. And unless you have the body of a tween, you're not going to be able to pull these things off. No, you're not. And if you think you are, you're friends are lying to you.

Jean Trend I'd Like to See in 2011: Jeans made from 100% cotton.

------------------------------------------------------------

5. Pajamas as Clothing. This has been an ongoing hot topic, and as long as I continue to see adults wearing their pjs in public, I'm going to continue to be against it. Wearing your jammies all day while hungover and in the safety of your own home? Okay. Wearing them outside of said home? Not okay.

Intimates Trend I'd Like to See: Slips (worn as they were meant to be worn, as undergarments, not clothing).

------------------------------------------------------------

6. Longer, Shaggier Hair on Men. This trend has been around long before that twit, Justin Bieber (my nephew has been rocking it for years). I say enough already! Go get a damn haircut already! (You look like a girl).

Men's Hair Trend I'd Like to See in 2011: The powdered wig.

------------------------------------------------------------

What trends would you like to send to the grave?

My Pear-y Christmas

2011-01-08T07:50:00.001-05:00

This Christmas my family surprised me with some of my gifts. It seems I have an affinity for all things pear right now, and my family picked right up on it. Check out these sweets treats they bestowed upon me!

This fabulous clock from Etsy seller, KitchenTableVintage.

Now my challenge is to find a place to hang it!

Three of these precious ornaments from Etsy seller, Defabricate.

I can't wait to hang these on my tree next Christmas!

This amazing timer from ModCloth.

Technically, this was an early birthday* present.

I can't wait to add to my pear collection now, and the color works perfectly with my dream kitchen color scheme!

(*10 days away)

My New Year's "Resolutions" v.2011

2011-01-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

Last year I made a list of "resolutions" that was pretty lame and, for the most part, unrealistic. I'm not a huge fan of the idea of "resolutions", nor do I necessarily like the definition of the word resolution. Therefore, let's call these my goals of 2011 instead, shall we?

OBG's Goals for 2011

Gain Weight. I know what you're thinking. Any resolutions or goals made in regards to weight are just about guaranteed to fail right out of the gate. This is a risky goal. I get it, but with enough determination, I know I can accomplish this goal. Sure, I might slip a few times throughout the year and actually end up losing weight, but I'm pretty sure that with the right diet and the right balance of exercising and loafing, gaining weight is a very attainable goal this year.
Try New Things. I've got this one in the bag! In fact, I've already started. Today I tried soy milk for the first time (I'm not a fan). I am positive that in 2011 I will be able to try new things all the time, making this one of the smartest goals I could probably set for myself.
Buy New Clothes. How can I not achieve this goal, what with the changing seasons and my anticipated success with goal #1? Plus, my wardrobe is still, primarily, geared for life in NY. It's time to switch over to a VA wardrobe.
Meet New People. Again, a very doable goal, especially considering where I live and what I do for a living. In fact, I received an email just before winter break to inform me about new students entering the schools I teach in. That counts.
Play More Games. And not the bad kind (mind games). The good kind. The ones that people play for enjoyment. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to jump on my Kindle sometime this afternoon and play a word game.
Decorate the House. Boy does it need it. Although we're off to an okay start, this place really needs some more personality. We're talking curtains, wall decor, areas rugs, lighting... Heck, we're here until at least October. Might as well make it feel like home, right? (For the record, because we move around A LOT, we have a hard time settling into any place we live and making it feel like a comfy, cozy, welcoming home. We've decided to make an effort to do it with our current place of residence, especially since we really like it.)
Revamp the Blog. I'm bored. Again. And when I get bored with something I decided to change it up quite a bit. Assuming I'll be able to find the time to do so this year, you can expect this little 'ole blog to go through some changes.
Disappoint Family Members. This is pretty much a given for any year, so why not actually make it a goal? That way I can feel good about disappointing my family (you know, because I've accomplished a goal) instead of just miserable and guilty about it.

I think that's a decent enough list. I don't want to put too much on that list. Got to set the bar low. I tend to be an unambitious procrastinator, so the less I have to put off doing, the better.

What are your resolutions/goals this year?

New Year's Eve: Yeah, let's do this thing.

2010-12-31T14:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not a fan of New Year's Eve. For one, I never plan far enough ahead to actually have anywhere fun or cool to be. Much like Halloween, in fact. I think these two days require ample planning for maximum fun. It never fails, the morning of (on NYE and H'ween), we're always trying to decide what to do, scrounging around for party attire, and ultimately deciding that participation in festivities will not be occurring this year. But NEXT YEAR. Oh yes, next year we'll plan ahead and do something really exciting! And then next year comes around, and we've once again neglected to plan ahead. Tickets have not been purchased. Slutty attire has not been acquired. Friends have not been contacted.

So, this New Year's Eve I may or may not be going out. I may or may not be spending a quiet evening at home with Netflix (again). I may or may not be getting together with friends. I may or may not be watching the ball drop on TV.

What I will do, though, is take a moment to compile my own Top 10 list for you (everyone loves a good Top 10 list this time of year, right?). Enjoy, and here's wishing you all a safe end to 2010, and a glorious beginning to 2011!

OBG's Top 10 11 Favorite Posts from 2010

Upon searching through my archives, I have concluded that I am neither a) funny, b) clever, nor c) interesting. Why do you people keep coming back here?

Things are a brewin'!

2010-12-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

Source

SO PLEASE STAND BY

Meanwhile, enjoy this re-post, previously "aired" January 8, 2010.

Some holiday reflection

The holiday season has come to an end and for the first time in many, many years, I'm sorry that it is over. Usually around mid-October I begin experiencing holiday related panic attacks, stress headaches and night sweats (alright, maybe not the night sweats, but you get the idea). After the holiday season of '08, however, I vowed to do things differently this year. I wanted a relatively relaxed, peaceful and stress-free holiday experience, and for the most part, I'm happy to report that I accomplished just that! So what was my magical solution? What mysterious remedy did I discover to banish holiday related stress? Well, I didn't buy a single Christmas present this year. Not one. And I didn't feel the least bit guilty over it.

As the years move on, and my immediate family gets older and continues to expand, the number of gift recipients keeps multiplying. I have four sisters and a brother and when you add in their significant others, their children, parents and step-parents... you can see how quickly things can get out of hand. This year I declared, NO MORE! Now, in the interest of full disclosure I must admit this decision wasn't entirely made as a result of my gift buying frustrations. It just so happens I'm in graduate school finishing up my thesis and trying to survive on the measly income I receive as a graduate assistant. In other words, I'm dead broke, which contributed significantly to my inability and unwillingness to purchase Christmas presents this year. I very well could have used my {gasp} credit cards to buy some holiday joy for my loved ones, but I didn't. (I am quite proud to say that I have 0 credit card debt, thank you very much)

In place of gifts I decided I would spend more time with my family and help them out with their holiday stress as much as I could. BEST. DECISION. EVER. I have never felt better about myself nor the holidays than I did after helping my mom wrap Christmas presents, or after staying with my sister for a week and helping her in any and every way she needed (she had three boys, all under the age of 5 and fueled up with Santa-fever, to manage), or after preparing an entirely homemade, from-scratch Christmas dinner for 12+ family members. Never has a last-minute, purchased gift, wrapped in over-priced paper made me feel as generous and giving as I did this year. I felt useful. I felt appreciated. Most importantly, I felt a renewed love and joy for my family that I haven't felt in years.

Will I buy Christmas presents next year, when grad school will be over and I'll be (hopefully) employed full-time? I don't know. I do know that if I do, I will put more time and thought into my gifts rather than rush through the stores, carelessly checking people off my list. I also know that I'm going to take more time for my family and offer to help them out as much as I can.

Happy New Year!

Phoning it in

2010-12-23T04:49:00.000-05:00

Remember when I told you (way back when) that the G-man had already purchased a Christmas present for me? Well, due to travel plans we had our Christmas last night, and it turns out that gift is a Kindle! I'm using it as we speak (so-to-speak). It comes with free 3G connection! It's not the greatest, nor the most convinient browser, but it's still pretty sweet!

Hope you all have a great holiday season. Travel safely. We are headed to NY for a week today to see family I'm super psyched!

Cloud 9 Just Deflated

2010-12-18T06:51:00.000-05:00

chetanddot

Remember that happiness high I was on the other day when I was bragging about how happy I am right now? Yeah, well, it seems I've hit a little hiccup at the hands of a complete stranger while attending our neighborhood holiday party. In about 20 minutes or so (it's possible it only felt that long), he managed to crush any hope I had for a magical holiday season, and furthermore, a happy, secure and satisfying future. Thanks a lot, old man. I know you were probably trying to help, but I'm pretty sure you did more harm than good. In the future, keep your big mouth shut and your opinions to yourself (which is pretty much good advice for everyone).

p.s. Only 30 shopping days left until the greatest day of the year... MY BIRTHDAY (and Twin's too, of course)! Wondering what to get me? Well, don't you worry, I'll be putting out a wish list soon enough. I just have to get through this Christmas chaos first.

I'm Only Crazy When I'm Unemployed

2010-12-13T06:52:00.000-05:00

And apparently I can only think of things to write about when I'm a) crazy b) depressed or c) bored out of my mind. At the moment, I am none of these things. I'm in the worst predicament ever. I'm, dare I say it, happy. I know, it's awful, it's horrible, the world may end tomorrow. I'm happy, and I really have nothing going on in my life to complain about. Life is good. But who wants to hear about all that touchy-feely, happy-schmappy, ooey-gooey stuff? People want tragedy, that want controversy, they want fart jokes, reality TV and grotesque disfigurements.

And on top of all these blasted good feelings, I've got no time. Absolutely no time to blog. Well, hardly any time at any rate. What's a girl to do? Thankfully the new job has provided me with material for Art Teachers Hate Glitter, where I write about the truth, albeit a humorous truth, about the ins and outs of being an elementary art teacher. If that sort of thing interests you (and I understand it only appeals to a limited audience), be sure to pop over there and check it out.

Until I find myself with some more time on my hands, you can continue to expect sporadic and irrelevant posts. Thanks for sticking it out with me through these hard and trying times. Now excuse me while I go an wallow in my happiness.

Sunday Confessions: #9-10

2010-12-12T10:13:00.000-05:00

Come forward and step into my confessional booth

where all our dirty little secrets can be shared.

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Sunday Confessions:

#9- I hate off-brand chocolate. Blech. Hate it. And don't even get me started on off-brand peanut butter cups.

#10- I believe in the magic of Christmas. And every year I go into the holiday season waiting, expecting, to feel that magic. Sometimes it comes, but mostly Christmas is just a big let down what with all the crazy traveling and pressure of gift giving. One of these years I know that the magical feeling will last the entire holiday season (you know, like when we were kids?). I'm hopeful.

I ♥ Etsy! Robots. The new zombies?

2010-12-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just me, but robots seem to be everywhere lately. Are they the new zombies. Again, maybe it's just me.

( via diskgrunt and happyfamily)

(via mengseldesign and crumpettimecomics)

(via YeeHaw and youneekusername)

If you enjoyed this edition of I ♥ Etsy!, be sure to check out some others!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-08T08:30:00.001-05:00

Ummm... this freak anyone else out?

PMS is Making Me Fat: And Other Complaints No One Cares About

2010-12-07T09:42:00.008-05:00

The sensation of fatness

As if the automatic 5 lb. weight gain, courtesy of The Bloat, wasn't bad enough during PMS week, I also have this irresistible driving need to eat everything in sight. As if I really need to eat 3 frozen York Peppermint Patties, a bag of microwave popcorn, 2 scoops of peanut butter and 3 chocolate santas* in ONE sitting (I don't. Really, brain, I don't).

***

Not my bagel, but close enough

Dear Toaster:

What the fuck, man, what the fuck? I thought the "Bagel" button was a special button you pushed when you wanted to toast a bagel, thus setting up some sort of magical toaster toasting technique that would result in a perfectly toasted bagel, and not, for example, a crunchy, blackened, nearly-inedible disc of whole wheat baked dough. Am I wrong?

***

Big Heads

Facebook chains. Or whatever the fuck you call them. I hate 'em. "97% of you won't repost this." Well no shit. That's because they're lame. Which makes you lame. And you show everybody just how lame you are by reposting the damn things. And for the record, reposting some lame-o status update to Facebook doesn't bring attention to anything. I mean, who is it that's supposed to be paying attention? Are there some mighty Big Heads perusing everyone's Facebook status updates who are all like, "Whoa. Did you see this? All these people on Facebook reposted the same status update. It must be important. Huh. Hey, fellow Big Head, have you ever heard of do-mes-tic vi-o-lence? Yeah, me neither. I'm so glad we have Facebook to bring our attention to this problem Let's go tell the world!"

Hey Lame-os! If you really want to make a difference, go donate money to a charity or do some other charitable act. Telling the Facebook world what color your bra is doesn't accomplish a goddamn thing.

***

I'm really enjoying having a doggy visitor for a week, but DAMN! am I hating those 6:30 am "business" walks.

***

Why, oh wby, must sucralose be in EVERYTHING? Just give me sugar, and stop putting some fake, nasty-tasting, chemical in my food!

***

SIDENOTE:

* apparently "santas" is not really a word. My spell check wants me to change it to "snatch" or "Satan". WTH?

The Christmas Spirit

2010-12-04T08:35:00.001-05:00

The infamous C.S. (that would be Christmas Spirit) hit me last weekend after returning home from Thanksgiving in NY. So I put the tree up. It's been a few years since I last put up the tree, so I was pleasantly surprised to discover some of my favorite ornaments all over again. I also threw on my creative cap and made some of my own this year, seeing as how I felt the tree was lacking in the cool department (what with all the gifted ornaments on the tree that weren't quite my style).

Please forgive the awful photography. My digital camera and I are not friends.

p.s. Is it just me, or is the tree waaaayyyyy crooked?

Happy Thanksgiving Eve

2010-11-24T15:47:00.000-05:00

"What are you, a cat?" interrupts the G-Man, as he watches me climb up the back of the love seat. We were conversing about our Thanksgiving travel plans when I attempted to sprawl out across the back cushions. I had managed to wrap my arms and a leg around the cushions, while the other leg swung freely behind the love seat.

I stopped, mid-crawl, and looked at him blankly.

"What, do you want me to come scratch your head now?" he asked.

My head perked up, and I expressed a small gasp of excitement, "Could you?"

**************************************************

If you're one of the lucky few who won't be hitting the road later tonight for a seven hour drive, then go get your drink on. It is, after all, one of the biggest nights for drinking (this fact can be verified with your friendly neighborhood bartender).

For the rest of us poor suckers, drive safely, stay off of I-95, and don't forget your allergy meds because your sister-in-law has cats and last Thanksgiving you spent the entire night wheezing and sneezing.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I have a point, I swear.

2010-11-23T01:44:00.004-05:00

So the other day I was overwhelmed by jealousy when I read this post, In Which I Get Signed, by Badass Geek. To sum it up, he randomly scored a signed copy of Stephen King's new book, "Full Dark, No Stars" (which I'm reading right now), when he had some time to kill and wandered into a book store. I've been a Constant Reader since, well, middle school, so it's safe to assume that I'm a HUGE fan. So yeah, I was extremely jealous.

Also, the other day, the G-Man dragged me to the mall, kicking and screaming. I really hate the mall. Alright, so maybe I wasn't kicking and screaming, but I'm sure I put up a bit of a fight, as I do every time he forces me to leave the house. Well, maybe not forces, but it comes pretty close to it, like that one time we were going to go skiing and it was so early, and I really didn't want to, and he literally dragged me out of bed and across the floor.

But anyways, we went to the mall, and after we exchanged the chipped and scratched dinnerware that we finally got around to ordering, we headed out to find some new sneaks for the G-Man, when his phone rang. It was one of his friends calling from Iraq. The G-Man's friend is a government contractor who volunteered to work in Iraq for a year in exchange for wads of money. But now he's having tons of personal issues with his wife and what not, who is still in the US, so the G-Man had to take the call. So, the G-Man found a bench to sit on while I went into the Gap to pick up some tops.

When I emerged from the Gap, the G-Man was nowhere to be found as he had wandered off while on the phone, so... while he was conversing for the next hour, I meandered around the mall, trying to kill time, and trying not to get to pissed off since the whole reason we were at the mall was to look for new sneakers for the G-Man, who, as you may recall, abandoned me. Eventually we met up again, just in time for me to approve the color of the G-Man's sneakers. You see, he's colorblind, so he isn't always entirely sure of his color choices. Which is why I okayed the bluish-purple sneakers he ended up getting. You know, out of spite, for making me suffer the horrors of the mall on my own. Of course, he doesn't know that they have a tinge of purple to them, that's our little secret. Then again, sometimes he reads this blog, so I guess he probably does know that there is a tinge of purple in them, and now I'm probably in the dog house, but it serves him right.

But the joke's really on him now (ha, ha!), because there is no purple in the sneakers, but now he's all self-conscious about them and wondering whether or not there is purple in them or not. Which means I'll now have to reassure him every day that they're blue and not purple. Shit. Guess the joke's on me then, huh? Back me up here guys, 'kay? No purple, right?

Right. That's our story and we're sticking to it. Speaking of stories, back to the real story...

So, I'm wandering around the mall, trying to kill time, when I decided to wander into a Borders, because, well, I can always use new reading material. While in there I picked up the new King book (see above), a couple of Neil Gaiman books, and a Christopher Moore book I haven't read yet, "Bite Me" (It's a love story).

Of course, little did I know, Borders was having this scam going on, Buy Four, Get the Fifth Free, and since I was already buying four books, they conned me into getting a fifth. Geesh. But anyways, while I was skimming the books in line, this happened to catch my eye:

Yeah, that's right, folks. I found my own signed copy of a book (and I checked, it's real, you can even see where the Sharpie bled through the backside of the page).

And it all comes full circle.

Lost in translation.

2010-11-22T04:42:00.011-05:00

The other day I had a student use the word puta in my classroom. I can only assume he thought that I, the ignorant white woman that I am, would have no idea what he was saying. Unfortunately for him, he was unaware of my extensive knowledge of foreign languages. In fact, I have have taken three different language classes. Combine that with my obvious mastery of the English language and the fact that my dad used to travel the seven seas, and you're looking at one multilingual individual right here, yessiree-Bob.

The following is an imaginary conversation I would have with someone who is just as dialectically educated as I. Enjoy. Hopefully you'll be able to learn a thing or two (oh, and in case you want to Google a translator and translate this convo, I'm providing you with a hand-dandy key to the various languages being used. Your welcome.) (My apologies to Twin in advance, who took way more French than me and hates it when I attempt to speak it.)

English

French

Spanish

Sign Language

(What? It's a language. I have the certificate to prove it)

German

Pirate

OBG: [right hand touches chin, touches open left palm, touches inside left elbow]. Me llamo Una Blonde Chica. Donde esta el bano?

Imaginary Person of Obvious Intelligence: Gutentag, Ein Blond [rubs closed fist along jaw line from ear to chin as if tying a bonnet]. Je'mappelle Monsieur Smarty Pantaloons. No se. Donde esta la biblioteca?

OBG: Cierra la boca! Porque? Do you [places both hands palms up at hip level, draws hands in towards body while closing into fists] un libro?

IPOI: Nein. Quiero to find mi tia. Elle works thar.

OBG: Pero la biblioteca es aqui. Well, no aqui, pero down el street.

IPOI: [smacks hand to head]! Como silly de mi. I'm [traces pointer finger down throat]. Would tu like a go a cafe shop avec moi?

OBG: No, pero estoy [forms c-shape with right hand and traces down esophagus area of chest]. Care to join moi por some wurst y sauerkraut?

IPOI: Egads! Nein, tu wench! Wurst y sauerkraut es el worst! Excuez-moi, por favor. I think I'm going to vomito.

OBG: Foutre tu, tu scallywag!

Ah... it's like speaking our own secret language, one of which I would never expect you folk of lesser intelligence to comprehend. Of course, when one partakes in such an esteemed conversation such as this, which employs multiple languages, one can only expect a few things to get lost in translation. Especially when the pirate comes out.

(I should probably clarify, my father wasn't a pirate. The German came from him, not the pirate-speak. That came from watching Johnny Depp play Jack Sparrow one too many times.)

I ♥ Etsy! The Vintage Christmas Ornament Edition

2010-11-20T09:05:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking, didn't you just do an I ♥ Etsy! Halloween edition? Well, yeah, I did, but you can never start your Christmas tree ornament shopping too early! (Christmas present shopping, on the other hand, should be put off until the absolute last minute possible. Like Christmas Eve.)

Vintage Handmade Christmas Decorations Denmark
by efinegifts

A pony for Christmas
by bluemoonhare

Vintage Felt Handmade Bird Ornaments
by theturniptruck

Kitsch Sequin Beaded Fruit
by GryphonVintage

Vintage handmade Christmas ornament blue and green
by ModishVintage

Funky Little Vintage Christmas Elves Ornaments
by ayeceaeph

What do you decorate your tree with?

But seriously though

2010-11-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

I realize I'm still a couple of months from my birthday and this post is probably a little premature, but there have been some things that I have learned, nay, discovered since turning 30.

Freckles are cute. When you're 3. Or 13. When you're 30, they become less cute and more like, well, age spots. Or cancer.
Wrinkles. Not just for the eyes anymore.
Your feet are not your friends. Those two things at the end of your legs that have been hauling your sorry ass around for 28-29 years? Yeah, they've had enough. Which is why I found myself purchasing footwear for comfort the other night instead of for fashion (although I tried to accomplish both. Orthopedic cream is totally in right now, right?)
The sex drive doesn't really drive anymore so much as it putters. It's like downgrading from a sports car to a golf cart.
Pudge is sexy. Right? RIGHT!?! Sure it is, you young folk just don't know it yet.
The infamous clock exists. And the tick-tocking from my womb gets louder every day.
Videos games are for teens and college kids. Lacking both of those in my household, however, I find it is my responsibility (well, and the G-Man's) to make up for it by playing video games my(our)self(ves). That and it gives me something to talk to my 5th and 6th graders about.
With maturity comes responsibility. Like only having two mixed drinks instead of three because you have to work the next morning.
The 30s are the new 20s. Or so others keep telling me, the damn liars. I'm pretty sure people would rather see a 23 year old in a mini-skirt and tank top than me.
I am not becoming my mother. No really, I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. I mean, I don't like to gossip, in fact, I prefer to avoid all conversation with other people and hate talking on the phone. I have no desire to have sock matching "parties" or participate in the ritualistic "spring cleaning". And the thought of drinking a bloody Mary makes me gag.

Um, so it's not an extensive list, and not necessarily a overwhelmingly positive list, but at least it's something, right?

Life Lessons I Have Learned Since Turning 30

2010-11-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

[chirp-chirp, chirp-chirp]

RST: Hair, Commitment, a Math Problem, a Test, and Dirty Jeans

2010-11-16T11:35:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

Not me

I have hair.

Lots of hair. And when I say "lots of hair", I mean lots of fucking hair. It's a fact. No, really, it is. Blondes have more hairs on their heads than brunettes and redheads. It has to do with blonde hair being finer and therefore it requires more of it to cover the head, blah, blah, blah. Combine that with the fact that I haven't had my hair cut since that totally awesome haircut back in... oh... June, and I have a lot of fucking hair on my head.

Why do I bring this up? I'm not really sure. I guess just for conversation sake. That and I'm sick and tired of finding my hair everywhere! And so is everyone else. The G-Man finds it in his hockey gear (someplace I would never dare go). People I have stayed with find it in their houses weeks after I've left. In fact, if you happen to come within a mile radius of me, chances are pretty good you'll end up with my hair on you. Come any closer and you're apt to find it in places you never expected to find long blonde hairs.

Like your butt crack.

I'm not kidding. If you use the same bathroom as me, odds are good you will find my hair in your butt crack at some point during the day. You've been warned.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't commit.

This is not news to me, and most likely, not news to anyone who knows me well. However, I didn't realize how bad I had it until the G-Man and I were trying to decide on an area rug for the living room and new dinnerware. As it turns out, I'm also severely picky.

Or particular.

I like to think I have a critical eye for good design.

At any rate, I'll save you a recount of the hours we spent online browsing and traveling to various different stores this past month or so. On Sunday I finally placed an order for some Fiesta dinnerware from Macy's (it was on sale). After much debate over the colors, we settled on Peacock, Ivory, and Cobalt (I really wanted Lemongrass and Paprika instead of the Ivory and Cobalt, but compromise won over).

We're still making our minds up on an area rug.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A math problem for you...

Source

The G-Man had two tickets for a Medeski Martin and Wood concert at the 9:30 club in DC Friday night.

The concert began at 10:00pm.

I had a state teacher's test the following morning in Annandale, VA.

Check-in for the 2 hour exam began at 7:30am.

Guess who ended up going to the concert with the G-Man when Thing Two bailed on him?

On the plus side, we got to grab a couple of beers at Dodge City before the show (which we only saw 30 minutes of so I could be in bed at a decent time).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Very cute

On a completely unrelated note...

I totally bombed my teacher test Saturday morning. And it had nothing to do with going out the night before. I was just totally unprepared for it. I had no grasp, whatsoever, on what the test would be like (it was an art content knowledge test).

About 80% of the test was obscure art history and the remainder 20% was about art making. I think I did well on the art making part of the test, but I know I failed the test overall. Miserably. Please don't get me wrong here, we're not talking some modest, "Oh, I don't think I did that well" speak here. I'm 100% positive I failed it. So positive, in fact, that I'm ready to register to take it again (I have to pass by March in order to keep my job).

*Sigh*

And here I was under the assumption I was smart.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After wearing the same pair of jeans for thirteen days, I finally decided to wash them.

Although, had the G-Man not spilled beer on me at the concert Friday night, I don't know if I would have laundered them yet.

Just thought I would share.

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Music Monday: MMW

2010-11-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

Alive II: The Carnivorous Cruise

2010-11-12T17:47:00.001-05:00

Source

This morning on the Today Show, Matt Lauer interviewed a honeymooning couple who were aboard the Carnival Cruise ship that was stranded at sea for 4 days. Unfortunately, I found myself still drinking my cup of coffee when the interview came on and was thus witness to the tale this couple told of the ordeal they endured. In case you missed it, here's a snippet of the interview that really brought home the extent of the hardship the passengers experienced. Paraphrased, of course. My thoughts to follow.

Matt Lauer: What was it exactly that you ate in order to stay alive?
New Bride: CEREAL!!! There was nothing but cereal for breakfast! Just cereal. And we had salads and sandwiches for lunch and dinner! Just vegetables! There was no meat at all!

Yes, I do believe he's picking his teeth

First of all, seriously, Matt? Seriously? To stay alive? Was it really that dire aboard the ship that the passengers were at risk of dying? They had food brought in for them for crying out loud! And free booze! It's not like they were in the Andes eating their left wing's buttocks (Google it: Andes rugby. Most disturbing book you'll ever read.).

Second of all, new bride, I don't mean to judge, but it kind of looks like eating salads and sandwiches for four days might actually be in your best interest, honey. Looks to me like you could use to lose a few (feign offense if you want, dear readers,* but you know you were thinking it too).

But you know what? I wasn't there. Maybe it really was that horrific and awful. A couple of passengers did have this to say, after all, in an interview with CBS News, "You started seeing some peanut butter, which everybody was excited about," said Katie Sokulski. Dad Stan Allen agreed: "We didn't even know how much we loved peanut butter!"

Source

I mean, it's not like I've ever been through an ordeal such as this, right? Although, there was that one ice storm that hit Northern NY and Canada in 1998... eh, but who am I kidding? I mean, my family was stranded in our house, in the middle of the woods, without power, for a week, and we couldn't flush the toilets, and we didn't have running water (all in the dead of winter), but hey, at least we didn't have to endure what this one woman complained about, "We were bored, we were hungry, we couldn't lay out because it wasn't sunny," said Amy Watts.

And you know what? I bet those rugby players in the Andes were at least able to lay out in the sun while they gnawed on their homo sapien jerky.

* Apparently I'm channeling Stephen King.

In Which I Was Almost Raped and Murdered in the Produce Aisle.

2010-11-10T23:04:00.000-05:00

(but not really.)

Picture this...

It's Sunday evening, around 7:00pm. I had finally mustered up the ambition to tackle the dreaded chore of grocery shopping [shudder]. I drove down the road, (about 3 blocks) to the nearest grocery store. Let's call it The Flower of a Plant (in an attempt to avoid traffic to my blog from people googling coupons for their local store. It's bad enough these phrases keep sending people my way: "swimming pool ass crack," "tater tots and whiskey shots ain't much of a menu lyric," and, my all time favorite, "blonde puke". But I digress).

Not the store I went to

I pulled into the parking lot, which looked relatively empty. I happily parked my car, far enough away from the store to not feel lazy, but close enough to not dread the walk back. I double checked for the necessities- shopping list, wallet and cell, before exiting the vehicle. With everything safe and secure, I proceeded to the entrance of the store.

The following is a reenactment of the inner dialogue running through my head during my grocery shopping experience.

"Well, this is nice. I guess it won't be so bad. Doesn't look like it will be crowded at all."

"Oh look. That man is about to put his cart in the corral. Maybe he'll offer it to me instead."

"Or maybe not. That was a weird look he gave me. Whatever. I'll just get a cart when I get inside. Wow, grocery shopping might actually be okay tonight."

"Huh. There are quite a few people hanging out front of the entrance. That's weird. Whatever. Maybe they're all waiting for someone to bring the car around."

"Huh. So I guess I just have to weave my way around them to get into the store. That's a little inconsiderate. Whatever."

"Wait. Why are they all looking at me? Weird. Is my flannel showing? I knew I should have changed first."

"Man. That one lady was huge."

"Alright, time to get my cart... off to the produce section... where is the produce section? Oh! There it is! Wow, it sure is tiny. That's what she said! Ha! Score."

"There sure are a lot of men shopping late at night. But... uh... they don't have any carts, and they're not carrying anything... that sure is odd. Wait a minute. Are they looking at me? Why are they looking at me?"

"Wait. Is that man approaching me? Phew. No, he's just headed for the grapes."

The preferred fruit of sexual predators

"Grapes? What man goes into the store for just grapes? Huh. That's odd. Wait. Is he approaching me now? Oh, phew. No, he's just looking at the apples. Just... like... I'm looking at the apples... okay... time to move on..."

"Whoa. Where did those men come from? They weren't in the produce aisle a moment ago. And they're not even looking at the food. They're looking at me! Uh... next aisle, next aisle!"

"Phew. It's empty. Now, what was it I needed in this aisle again...? Oh, right... Pickles!"

"What the hell? Is that the same guy with the grapes? Did he...? Did he just walk by and look down this aisle? Ack! There he goes again."

"Okay. Okay. I'm just being paranoid. It's been a long day. I'm tired..."

"Wait a minute... now I know those men aren't shopping for anything, and I know they're just standing around looking at me. This is totally freaky. What else is on this list? How many more aisles? Maybe if I just move on, they'll go away"

"Phew. It worked. Time to get the chicken and ground turkey..."

As I was browsing the poultry, an employee from the meat department approached me. In broken English, he asked, "Uh... where you from?"

"What the fuck? What does he mean, where am I from? What kind of question is that."

I looked up from the chicken breasts, and answered, "Uh, down the street?" It was at this moment that I really took a look around me. Standing a little ways down were three to four Hispanic men, just milling around and talking to each other. As I looked around the rest of the store, I noticed that most of the other customers were also Hispanic men.

And this is when my newly discovered racist gene took over.

"Oh shit. I... don't think... I... belong here. Where are all the women? Fuck, where are all the white people? No wonder everyone's looking at me. The fluorescent lights are probably reflecting off of me in a way they're not used to seeing around here. Fuck."

"Okay, I just need to get the milk and the yogurt and the cheese..."

"Fuck. I forgot the bagels. Bagels be damned, I'm not going back for them."

"Fuuuuuck. I forgot the beer. Whatever. Tonight we drink whiskey."

Sometimes sacrifices must be made for the greater good.

And then, in surprisingly record-breaking speed, and as calmly as possible, I finished my grocery shopping, terrified of disturbing the locals, all while enduring the looks that my paranoid imagination viewed as hostile and quite possibly deadly.

I hurried to the parking lot and threw the bags into my car, oblivious to the delicate cans-on-the-bottom-bread-on-the-top grocery bag loading strategy. And then I drove away as fast as my little car would let me.

****************************************

After relaying my experience to a co-worker the following day, she had this to say, "Yeah, aside from One Who Visits Stores in Search of Merchandise or Bargains, The Flower of a Plant is the worst grocery store to go to. My husband won't even let me go there alone. You should go to A Person or Thing of Great Size, that's the white people store."

And this is why the G-Man will be responsible for all the grocery shopping from now on.

(p.s. Remember when the only thing I had to worry about on my trips to the grocery store was whether or not the bum on the corner had peanut allergies? I kind of sort of miss that.)

Sunday Confessions : #6-8

2010-11-07T07:58:00.000-05:00

Come forward and step into my confessional booth

where all our dirty little secrets can be shared.

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Sunday Confessions:

#6- I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for the past ten days. With no laundering in between. Same pair. Ten days. The level of comfort they have attained is indescribable. (p.s. Febreeze is my friend)

#7- I've stopped washing my hair. Everyday. I've stopped washing my hair everyday. What I mean is, I now wash my hair every other day.

#8- I believe chicken wings were never meant to see the light of day. Let me clarify. Chicken wings should only be consumed in the comforts of a poorly lit bar with cheap beer and good friends. Not in a well lit living room. Gross.

What's wrong with this picture?

2010-11-06T16:21:00.000-04:00

It's Saturday afternoon. The G-Man is out shopping. I'm at home putting together his dresser.

What's wrong with this picture?

Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

I'd like to start a petition to extend the year by an extra month. At the least.

2010-11-03T22:57:00.000-04:00

Just for fun, I decided to check out the New Year's "Resolutions" I made in January to see how I'm doing with them. I don't really predict good things because, well, like everyone who makes resolutions in January, I forgot about them. Let's take a look and see, shall we? (my comments on the resolution are italicized)

1. do a better job of keeping up on world news Um... I know there were some earth quakes, and... some trapped miners, and... um... I'm sure somebody died, right? There were probably some elections too... In other words... FAIL
2. be more adventurous I moved to a new state, so that was pretty adventurous. And I've been exploring new bars and restaurants, and you know that's adventurous. I suppose I could use to step it up a bit with my activities' level of adventure.
3. catch up on tv and movies I've missed Actually, I'm kind of proud that I haven't done this one. It means I've actually had shit going on in my life more important and exciting than sitting in front of the boob tube.
4. listen to more music Yes
5. COMMUNICATE No
6. get in touch with old friends and maintain better contact with family (as in on the phone or in-person, NOT via facebook, email or texting) EPIC FAILURE! If anything I've fallen more out of touch with friends and family. I'm sure they no longer know what I look like nor could they recognize the sound of my voice if I were to call.
7. see people more often (at least once a month) See above
8. get my butt back into the gym I went to the gym. Once. No, wait! Twice.
9. eat more fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables Ugh. Major fail.
10. drink more water I'm trying. That counts, right?
11. do things for ME! *hanging head*
12. do things for OTHERS! (at least once a month) DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'm too embarrassed by my lack of selflessness right now
13. embrace my decisions and commit to making them work for me, even the not-so-good ones I have accomplished this one
14. NO LIQUOR (unless I am in the safety of my own home) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
15. get in touch with my inner girlieness more often Inner whosit now?
16. continue to improve myself, career-wise (because a Master's just doesn't cut it) YES! I have a job now, and I'm learning all sorts of new things.
17. ask for (and accept) help when I really need it Um... still working on this one

So in conclusion, I have two months to tackle this list. Fuck.

RST: A Rally, Halloween, What's that noise?, Zombies, My Living Room, and No seriously, what the fuck is that noise?

2010-11-02T17:56:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

So, as I mentioned here, I attended the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear this weekend. I really wish I had more to report on the event. But alas, the day was pretty uneventful, despite the day's event.

We got off to a late start because, well, because that's just how we roll. I enjoyed a very yummy spinach and herb bagel on the road from The Bagel Cafe. Definitely a place to visit again. After meeting up with Thing Two on M Street, The G-Man, Unfortunate One, Thing Two and I hoofed it to the Mall where we were just a measly group of four in a sea of thousands. Needless to say, trying to get a decent view of the stage was out of the question. Fortunately we were able to push our way to a section of the Mall where we could at least see one of the screens.

So my take on the whole thing? The weather was nice, the crowd was overly polite*, the comedy was decent, the signs (and costumes) were entertaining, the sound system was shitty and the music was mediocre. Ozzy was certainly the highlight of the musical lineup, followed by Tony Bennett. Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow, however? Not the right venue nor the right crowd for them. In my opinion. Especially not after hearing rumors that Bruce Springsteen and Alanis Morissette were going to make an appearance.

After wards, we ventured to H Street (seeing as how any locale within walking distance to the Mall was packed) and grabbed a couple of brews at the Biergarten Haus, and, in my opinion, the best damned Goulash that have ever crossed these lips. The sauerkraut could have used more... sauer? Or maybe kraut. The Laugenbrezels were pretty freakin' good too.

After some food and beer, we headed back to M Street where we promptly... napped? Yup. This is how you know you're old folks. Halloween Eve in DC and everyone naps for about 3 hours, and upon waking, conclude that we'd rather sit in for the evening.

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Speaking of Halloween...

Oh, Halloween...

The night where we lock the doors, draw the blinds and spend the evening in the dark, hoping no foul-minded kiddies get the notion to trick us as we are clearly not intending to treat them.

It's not that I'm anti-Halloween or anything. It's just that I'm always so busy around Halloween (like, for example, moving) that I neglect to pick up any candy.

Maybe next year.

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What's that noise?

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Zombies are becoming mainstream. I don't like this. That is all.

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I think I mentioned previously that we were unsuccessful in our attempts to get our couch upstairs to the living room.Which is why our living room currently looks like this...

Thank god our new couch arrives on Friday. Although, that makeshift chair on the floor is far more comfortable than you would imagine. Believe you me.

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No seriously, what the fuck is that noise? It sounds like a cross between a squirrel and a bird, and it's coming from the fire place.

There it is again!

I better not get attacked by some freakish squird while I'm innocently sitting here minding my own business.

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* There was a report by an employee in attendance from a certain organization with the initials 'N', 'P', and 'R' who claimed that the crowd was getting riled up and inpatient with The Roots' performance about 40 minutes in. This is not true. The sound system went out about that time, so we were chanting "Louder!" and "Turn it up!". Which was pretty reasonable, in my opinion. Of course she was located near the stage, so I imagine she had no clue what was going tens of thousands of people behind her.

I ♥ Etsy! The Halloween Edition

2010-10-30T01:39:00.000-04:00

Shit. When was the last time I did an I ♥ Etsy! post? Oh, right. Back in July. Damn, I'm due. In honor of October, here's a Halloween edition. Or maybe I should call it the Zombie Edition. I do love me some zombies.

With a black licorice scent, these soaps are almost good

enough to eat. By sunbasilgarden

I'm sure it is beyond gross how much I want this shirt.

By sadjacktshirts

Pretty much a no-brainer. Heh. Get it?

By CountryWorkshop

I'm adding this to my Christmas list

as we speak. By xarata

Yes, please.

By zedszombieranch

And there will be candy corn.

2010-10-28T23:13:00.000-04:00

So, there's this thing this weekend at this place and these people will be there...

...and I guess I will be too. Will you?

(p.s. hitting up H Street after wards! Email me if you'll be out and about!)

RST: The one without pictures. In other words, it's visually unappealing.

2010-10-26T01:11:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

So, in case you've been hiding away and didn't hear earlier, I've moved. Again. If you're keeping track, that would be 3 moves in the past year. 5 in the past two. Here's hoping this one sticks.

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Not random at all and totally connected to the above... I'm loving the new place so far. Yeah, it's not at all what I remembered/expected, but that's a good thing. And now I only have a 10-15 minute commute opposed to a 60-90 minute commute. And there is absolutely everything I could possibly need/want right down the road. So when are you coming to visit?

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I'm watching Frida right now. This movie A) makes me wish I was a better artist/had more free time to become a better artist 2) Makes me wish I was Mexican (the good kind. If you recall, I'm racist now.) 3. makes me miss being passionate about things. Assuming, of course, that I've ever been passionate about anything

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Is it wrong that I envy eccentric artists?

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The new place has better lighting. Which means, time to bust out the tweezers. Yowzer.

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The weather lately has been GORGEOUS. We're talking 70+ degrees and sunshiny. This, in my opinion, really, truly is fall weather.

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And that's it for today. Hope you're having a wonderful week.

Why I'm a good person to move with.

2010-10-25T17:25:00.000-04:00

Note I didn't say move in with. I would never dare to make such a highly debatable and outlandish claim.

I'm highly organized. Which means I label boxes and containers clearly so there's no confusion as to which room they belong (it is not my fault, however, if you don't actually read the labels on the boxes).
I kick ass at Tetris. Which means I kick ass at packing. I can fit boxes, bags and ski boots into every nook and cranny in order to maximize space.
I never complain about being hungry. Which means you can put me to work all day, and I won't beg that we stop for a lunch break (although you might want to be on the lookout for signs of faintness).
I'm a night owl. Which means even though you're passed out on the couch at 8pm, I'll still be unpacking and organizing until 1am (and drinking the beer).
I love putting furniture together. Which means I'll have the IKEA TV stand assembled by the time you've caught up on the last two episodes of The Event on Hulu while sprawled out on the couch (or maybe the loveseat because you weren't able to fit the couch up the stairs and it's still chilling in the garage along with the queen-sized guest bed).
I can drive a stick shift. Which means I can drive the standard vehicle while you drive the 24' moving truck (thank god, because somebody had to drive my stick shift car).
I'm have a great internal clock and concept of time. Which means I'm more realistic when it comes to estimating time frames (like when you say we'll be unpacking at the new place at 2:30pm and we're actually unpacking at 4:30pm, like I predicted).

In short, the move went really well. In fact, it was the smoothest move to-date (aside from being unable to get the couch and bed up the stairs. We were planning on getting rid of those eventually anyway).

I'm loving the new place so far. And the best part? My commute in to work has been reduced from 60 minutes to 10 and the drive home has gone from 90 to 15 minutes. Lovely.

Who am I kidding?

2010-10-22T09:49:00.000-04:00

I wasn't packing the past few days. I was relaxing before I have to do crazy insane packing because my stuff? Yeah, it's been packed up since June because I never unpacked from my last move. And last night I was probably busy watching Fringe and/or Project Runway. Right? Last night was Thursday night? (In present time it is actually Monday night because I'm pre-blogging. Because apparently I'm too busy to blog in present time. What with all the non-packing). All that said, this weekend I will be too busy moving to post, but no one reads on the weekends any ways, right? Right. Check out this moving schedule the G-Man made for us (assuming I can figure out how to copy and paste from Excel):

5:15 AM         Wake Up & Shower
6:00 AM         Eat Big Hearty Breakfast
6:45 AM         Leave for Budget Rental
8:00 AM         Pick up truck from Budget
8:45 AM         Drop Off Car At TH
10:00 AM       Pick Up Stuff from Haddon Ln
11:30 AM       Pick up Mattress from M.D.
12:15 PM       Pick Up stuff From Storage
1:30 PM         Get Lunch to Go
2:30 PM         Start Unloading at New TH!!

Crazy, right? The best part is that I can totally stick to this schedule, but guess who won't be able to? Yeah, the G-Man. I laughed when he emailed me this. This schedule, in my opinion, is very ~~delusional~~ optimistic on the G-Man's part. I'm guessing we'll be unloading around 4:00-4:30pm.

Anyone wanna place some bets?

(FYI- I have no idea what that comic says, but I'm pretty sure by the end of the day, the G-Man and I will be speaking some sort of version of this German.)

If you can... whatever, you get the idea.

2010-10-21T09:37:00.001-04:00

Whoops. I knew I forgot to do something before I got ready to move (see photo).

A few things I'm going to miss when I move out of this god awful suburbia-hell house: 1) the maid service. For real. Granted, it only came twice a month, and they did kind of a shitty job, but damn, I hate cleaning the bathroom. I would be tempted to hire someone JUST to clean my bathrooms. 2) the dog. But not when she needs to go out at 3:30am and I'm the only one home to let her out. 3) Rock Band.

And that's about it. I'd make a list of things I won't miss, but that would take more time than I can spare. Because I'm packing and all, remember?

If you can read THIS post...

2010-10-20T09:31:00.000-04:00

Source

... yeah, same deal as before. Drunk. I mean, lazy. I mean, busy. Yeah, that's the ticket. Busy. Moving. Er, packing. Moving is this Saturday. Wait, what's today? Is there anything good on TV tonight? Maybe I'm watching TV and not actually packing. Hard to say.

Incidentally, I wish my suitcase was this cool. As it is I just have a lousy duffle bag I picked up at Walmart once upon a time. Back when I used to shop there. Back when I was all sorts of young and stupid. And broke.

If you can read this post...

2010-10-19T09:24:00.000-04:00

Source

... it means I'm too ~~lazy~~ ~~drunk~~ busy packing for the move to post. I'll be back at a later date. Plus I have that work thing to do. Oh, and I also have to study for that teacher test I have to take in order to be able to continue teaching in this here fine state of Ver-ginny.

(I am not, however, too busy to pre-post posts about being absent from posting because I'm otherwise occupied with not posting. Yes, I am just that cool.)

p.s. This picture isn't too far from the truth.

Music Monday: A Quickie

2010-10-18T21:08:00.000-04:00

I'm currently in the process of moving. I'll be in the new place on Saturday. That has absolutely no relevance to this post, but I wanted to share it anyway.

Tales from the Texting Thumb

2010-10-14T11:16:00.004-04:00

ughh... there was just on [sic] gun shot on our street

To: The G-Man

Sent: Oct 12, 10:08 pm

From: The G-Man

That's not good

Oct 12, 10:09 pm

no. it was pretty loud. is it hunting season? sounded like a huntting [sic] season gun

To: The G-Man

Sent: Oct 12, 10:10 pm

From:The G-Man

Yeah...

Oct 12, 10:17 pm

what does THAT mean?

To: The G-Man

Sent: Oct 12, 10:18 pm

From: The G-Man

Even in hunting season u cannot shoot That close to housing

Oct 12, 10:20 pm

or at night, right? pretty sure someone just got murdered. waiting for sirens. look for me waving to you on the news in the am. surely I'll have to miss work.

To: The G-Man

Sent: Oct 12, 10:22 pm

From: The G-Man

Defense not at night.* Lock the door and load my shot gun..there r also serial robbers around

Oct 12, 10:35 pm

* Can anyone decipher the meaning of this for me? I don't get it. Thanks.

Color Me Tragic

2010-10-13T09:51:00.000-04:00

I don't make decisions, decisions make me.

I am practically incapable of making any decisions in my life, and instead I permit life to sort of just unravel and occur around me and then I figure out how to fit myself in to it.

I don't know what in the fucking hell is wrong with me.

I don't act, I react.

I don't think I've ever been in a situation where my actions weren't just my reactions to given circumstances that happen to present themselves.

I don't think ahead. I don't plan ahead. Shit, I don't even make a lunch for myself in the morning before I go to work because it doesn't occur to me that I'm going to be hungry in five hours.

I've never planned for the future because I've been too busy surviving in the present.

I wouldn't know what it means to be happy if it stood up and punched me in the face. I understand what it means to be miserable and lonely and sad and depressed. Happy? I don't know if I know what that feels like. Which doesn't mean I haven't tried, I'm just so used to the other feelings and have become so comfortable and familiar with them over the past thirty years I've been on this earth that to be happy would be a push out of my comfort zone.

How does one even attain happiness? How does one even try to attain it? What does it even mean?

Was it that giggly, light-headed feeling I once had? Was happiness that time that I couldn't stop smiling? And that time that I wanted to just... melt? Was that happiness? And if so, how do I ever get that back?

You once called me "tragic". I don't doubt there's truth in that.

I just don't know any other way to be.

RST: Log-home decor, a good weekend, sub plans, window shopping, bugs, and shit.

2010-10-12T07:06:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

I'm very excited to be moving in a couple of weeks. If I told you the biggest reason I'm excited is because I can finally have my own space and be closer to work and unpack all my things, well, I'd be lying. Sort of. The biggest reason I'm excited is to finally be able to decorate in my style.

My intention is to plan my decor solely around my ceramic cast Lincoln Logs that I worked so hard on and have been dying to put on display. I would also love to include these frames I found on Etsy. Or at least something like them. I have big plans.

The place I'm moving into is all white (or off-white), which is something I used to hate, but now I'm kind of looking at it like a blank canvas in which I can add lots of splashes of colors to. Did I mention I'm excited?

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I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday night the G-Man, Upstairs Mike and I went into DC to go to Sticky Rice for tater tots and sushi. I've written about Sticky Rice before. Last time I was there I lost my license in the bathroom. I think. Upstairs Mike did a great job of periodically checking to make sure that I still had my license throughout the evening. At any rate, we had about an hour wait for a table for three so we wandered over to The Pug, a bar a couple of doors down, for a couple of beers.

I really enjoyed this bar. It had that "hole-in-the-wall" kind of atmosphere and a nice selection of classic board games. We grabbed a box of mixed Trivial Pursuit cards and failed miserably at answering them. Seriously, unless it's the Disney version, I suck at that game. I suck at most games, actually, but that's a tale for another day.

At any rate, we eventually got a table at Sticky Rice. As I've mentioned before (I think), Upstairs Mike went to high school with the owners, so we were treated to some free beers and a couple of free sushi specials. This was on top of the bucket of tater tots and five varieties of sushi and PBRs we had ordered for ourselves, so needless to say, we were pretty freakin' stuffed after wards. Not that that prevented us from having a few more with the owners down at the bar.

We eventually wandered to Rock & Roll Hotel with one of the guys (John? Their names escape me. I mean, I know who Phil is, but I can't remember which one was John nor the name of the other guy). Back to the Rock & Roll Hotel. John (let's pretend this was his name) was able to get us into the show for free because I guess he knows people. For the life of me, I can't remember what band was playing, which is probably a good indication of my opinion of them. They had a few good songs, but then others just weren't doing it. That being said, with enough alcohol in you, any music can sound good.

The enjoyable weekend was continued on Sunday with a splendid trip to IKEA and topped off with Five Guys burgers and fries, a perfect cure for a hangover.

It was a good weekend, folks, a good weekend.

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Ugh. Our county is implementing a 6th grade arts assessment this year. I have to go get trained for it on Thursday, which means I have to write sub plans. Double-ugh. I hate writing sub plans. It's really more work than it's worth. And I'm really not looking forward to giving an assessment this year. Triple-ugh.

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Finally earning a paycheck again has my window shopping fingers all sorts of giddy and excited. First on my agenda? A wristlet (for those nights out in DC), a new badge reel, and a new lanyard. And of course, some real work clothes that might actually fit me. Also, I'm totally buying myself a new comforter from Anthropologie. I have a feeling that store and I are going to be best buds since we're going to be living just a couple of miles from each other.

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I'm convinced bugs have finally had enough and are ready to take back the planet. What with the bed bug epidemic in NYC that is now spreading to other major cities, and with the stinkbug infestation in Northern Virginia, I'd say we're doomed.

Even if you're not, I am.

Two stinkbugs have already been sighted in my bedroom and since my three housemates travel frequently to far off, exotic locations like Paris and India and, um, Kansas, for work, where they sleep in hotels, I'm pretty much convinced bed bugs will make an appearance on our cul-de-sac pretty freakin' soon.

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Shit is going down in the real world of One Blonde Girl.

Shit. Is. Going. Down.

I might just have to slip into my big girl panties and grow the f* up. We'll see. Not entirely sure I'm ready for that.

I still think it's easier to run away.

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Hope you all have a great week. I'm ready for vacation.

Music Monday

2010-10-11T19:04:00.000-04:00

Sunday Confessions: #4-5

2010-10-10T12:06:00.000-04:00

Come forward and step into my confessional booth

where all our dirty little secrets can be shared.

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Sunday Confessions:

#4- Sometimes, after all the pickles in the jar are gone, I like to drink the pickle juice. Not all of it. Just a tablespoon or two. I'm only a little bit ashamed of this.

#5- I only pretend to be concerned when my students fall out of their chairs. Inside I'm really laughing and thinking, "Told you so."

Despite my lack of religious proclivity, I believe confession is good for us all.

What would you like to confess today?

The Results Are In

2010-10-07T08:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, hold on to your tamales, people, the votes are in and the results have been tallied, tabulated, color coded and discriminately validated (What? I watch CNN. I know how these things work.).

Of course, as I'm sure you guessed, I am referring to my Blogger stats.

Yes, I have caved. I have jumped on the band wagon. I am blogging about my blogging stats. Feel free to navigate away from here at any time (I know you only spend an average of 2:25 minutes on here anyways. Google Analytics told me so).

So, without further ado, my ~~measurements~~ ~~number~~ stats (now ~~in color~~ with side ~~boob~~ notes):

Top Ten Search Keywords
!. blondegirl (no surprise there. I am blond)
2. monique montil (who what now? Ohhh... NOW I remember. You all must be just as twisted as I am. Good for you!)
3. one blonde girl (good for you! although I suspect these results may be tarnished by me googling my own blog because I was on a different computer and couldn't remember my URL. Still counts though.)
4. chasing mummies (I like the way you think! Wait, have I ever even talked about "chasing mummies" on here before? I probably should)
5. blonde girl (yawn)
6. caviar (uh-huh... I am all about bringing the class back to the blogging world)
7. cvs locations (now wait just one minute. I am not ~~anymore~~ and never have been a CVS drugstore. Nor can you find one located here ~~anymore~~)
8. squirrel people (See Monique Montil)
9. "great hopes and massive failures" (the new theme of my life, previously themed "It's only temporary" and "I know you are, but what am I?")
10. "i peed myself" (Um, I thought we were keeping that between you and me?)

NOTE: These results are brought to you by Blogger Stats. Google Analytics results vary slightly and may or may not include search terms like "butt crack", "no underwear", "pee in the woods", and "matt leblanc butt".

Top 6 Referring URLS/Sites That AREN'T Connected to Blogger or Twitter
1. The Sassy Curmudgeon
2. Adventures of a Wayward Duck
3. Sara in Le Petit Village
4. meet me by the water
5. A Vapid Blonde
6. Date me, DC!

NOTE: Thanks all. Your thank you note is in the mail. But not really. I'm out of stamps. Not really. I have plenty of stamps, I just don't want to waste them. Those suckers are getting expensive!

Top Ten OBG Posts
1. RST: Interview, butt crack accidents, Matt LeBlanc, bad drivers, hiking hell, and a note (apparently Matt LeBlanc is still quite popular. Or maybe it was the butt crack)
2. OBG and the MLC (eh, okay)
3. 200 posts later... (and I just realized I had the nerve to include gnarly toe injuries with a pic of my nephew and his 1st birthday cakes. I suck)
4. I'm Watching the Smurfs. Jealous?* (Uh. This one wasn't all that good you guys. Sorry.)
5. It's a Twofer! (the one where I save the planet! Captain Planet would be so proud)
6. Meet Me... In Montauk (whoa. Things got pretty deep here)
7. RST: Glue, crocheted beards, sexism, lanyards, tater tots, and ModCloth love. (with a combo like this, it must be good, huh?)
8. I wasn't going to blog today, but... (Oh right, the one where I have an orange circle on my boob)
9. Cub Scouts are judgy motherf*ers. (One of my favs)
10. Everyone loves a meme. Wait... what do you mean, "No they don't"? (Seriously guys? Seriously?)

And there you have it. For those of you who are left, thanks. For what, you ask? Got me. I guess for reading and liking me enough to stick around for a couple of minutes.

Sneak Peek, Kind of

2010-10-06T01:23:00.001-04:00

Tonight (okay, I lied, technically it was two nights ago) I found myself googling "female chest" and "side boob".

No, I haven't ventured over to the other side (give it time), but am, in fact, working on The Sketchbook Project (finally). I now have two solid sketches for my book. They will, most likely, remain sketches. Not because I am incapable of finishing anything (no, certainly not because of that) but because it is, afterall, called The Sketchbook Project, which I think automatically lets me off the hook of having to fully develop and/or complete any idea to its full potential. Right?

Right.

And as promised, a sneak peek, which, if you've been paying attention, you've already seen.

Remember, my theme is "Great Hopes and Massive Failures." Or something like that. As you can see, I chose to take a more intimate route to this project, although your suggestions were good as well. I did toss around the idea of creating a comic book-esque Sketchbook with Hindenburg influences. And robots. Of course (remember this sneak peek?). I haven't entirely ruled that idea out yet, but...

Yeah, I pretty much have.

RST: A Catch-All

2010-10-05T00:39:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

After

Before

A while back, I think in August, when I was severely bummed out and kind of (okay, a lot) depressed, I made a personal goal to spend an hour every day doing something creative. I'd been holding on to this "pearl" necklace for years (I'm not sure what I wore it to. A prom? A wedding?) that I decided needed a makeover. I'd seen some really cool ribbon necklaces on some blogs and wanted to try making one. So I headed over to one of my favorite stores, Michaels, and picked up some embroidery thread and ribbon. I didn't use a "How-to" or anything and just chose to wing-it. I was fairly happy with the results, but I didn't really get into the rhythm of the process until about halfway through the necklace, so I think I might redo it at some point in time. I have a ton of "pearls" left-over as well as some lime green ribbon, so I might try out one of my other necklace ideas (assuming I ever find the time). Feel free to click on the pics to enlarge the view. Please ignore my tired eyes in the After pic. It was late.

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The book

The goodies

A couple of months ago, Becky Kanaza, from The Fab Miss B, offered a book giveaway for a gently used copy of one of her favorite books, 84, Charing Cross Road. In order to enter, you had to "leave me a comment describing a memorable book, a favorite reading experience or even your favorite local book shop and what made it so special." I left a comment relaying the joy I was having with one of my summer reads, and I ended up winning the giveaway, yay! You can read about it, and my winning comment, here. Becky was quick to send me the book and to my wonderful surprise, she included a few bonus goodie items well, which I love! If you get a moment, check out her Etsy shop, Becky Kanaza. Becky has the cutest wedding cake toppers and Before & After projects.

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I've been working on a post for months that just doesn't seem like it's going to come together. I wanted to start featuring Etsy artists on some of my Saturday posts, but after getting my job and trying to adjust to the craziness of it, that ambition quickly fizzled. My first artist was going to be my sister, Shelley. I had typed up a list of interview questions for her, which she very thoroughly filled out. Unfortunately, I just can't find the time to pull it all together. That being said, I still wanted to do a little mini-feature of her work, especially since she just had a very disappointing experience of having a couple of her pieces stolen from a shop carrying her work. So...

Shelley has a Facebook page, a blog (Shelley creates...), and an Etsy shop (SMWArtworks). Shelley currently lives in Pembroke Maine where she and her boyfriend and their two dogs reside in an old farmhouse that they are slowly sprucing up. She collects sea glass from the ocean shores around her home and designs and makes gorgeous sea glass jewelry. She also offers custom charcoal and graphite portraits. Please take the time to check out her blog and Etsy shop. She works very hard and I can't even imagine how heartbreaking it must have been for her to have her work stolen.

(In case you're wondering... left to right: yours truly, Shelley and our grandfather, Twin)

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Hmmm... what else? My driver's license finally arrived from NY so now I can finally ~~hit the bars~~ legally drive again. I can also start working on getting a Virginia State driver's license (moving sucks, but moving to a new state sucks royally). I'm all set up for health insurance, retirement and life insurance. Oh, and I got my first paycheck! Can't tell you how exciting it was to open that up.

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Not the actual kitchen, but similar

I'm moving. I know what you're thinking, "Again?", right? Yeah, again. By the end of October I'll be in a new home, assuming the applications get accepted. It's going to drastically cut down on my commute 4 out of 5 of my work days. We're talking from a 40-90 minute one-way commute to a 5-20 minute commute. I can't wait. Plus, the kitchen's white, and if you recall, I'm dying for a white kitchen. I can't wait to fill it with my ceramic work and give it some other retro styling. The counters aren't ideal, but they're granite, and the house is only temporary (what else is new?) so it will have to do for now.

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I received a letter in the mail this week from my graduate school Alma Mater informing me that a book had been donated in my name to the campus bookstore because of my "Outstanding Graduate" status. The book will have a permanent bookplate affixed to it with my name on it (they sent me a copy of it). It might not seem like a big deal, but I think it's super cool and am very excited. It feels good to have my hard work pay off, even if it is in small ways.

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Did I tell you I'm finally permanently certified to teach in New York State now? Yup. My certification finally went through, and I can go back there and teach whenever I want. For life. Now to work on this Virginia State one.

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I suppose that's enough for my randomness this week. I hope to start posting regularly again now that I'm learning to let go of some control at work and am working on quieting the perfectionist inside me. Hope you're all having a great fall!

Music on My Mind

2010-10-04T06:41:00.000-04:00

Because I'm cranky and all sorts of PMS-ey I feel like posting some music vids. It's going to be a rough, rough, emotional week this week, and when I have weeks like this I like to hide away in music.

Oh, and for the record, when someone starts getting a little moody and you ask, "Have you taken your Pamprin today?" be prepared for the Laser Death Stare Perma-Scowl.

Enjoy the music.

Oh, and if you're of the praying persuasion (which I am not), pray for my students this week. It's going to be a long week.

Sunday Confessions: #1-3

2010-10-03T03:13:00.001-04:00

Sunday. The day of rest. Many people spend this day being "productive", doing things like attending church, working around the house, grocery shopping, or gardening.

Me?

Well, I can't be bothered with those time wasters as I'm too busy doing other extremely important things. Like sleeping in or recovering from a hangover or watching TV in my pajamas or drinking coffee or boozing it up or fornicating, among many other various good-for-the-soul activities. I admit, being as productive as I am on a Sunday may not seem very restful to the outside observer, however, I assure you, my mind, body and soul finds these sorts of strenuous activities very restful.

In an attempt to further convince you that I take this day of rest very seriously, I have decided to take the Sunday thing one step further. To the confession booth. Despite my lack of religious proclivity, I believe confession is good for us all.

So without further ado, please come forward and step into my confessional booth where all our dirty little secrets can be shared.

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Sunday Confessions:

#1- Sometimes, if we're out of toilet paper, I'll pee while in the shower. Shhh...

#2- I can't stand the use of "LOL". I don't use it, I don't think I have ever used it, and I don't intend on ever using it. In fact, I'm seriously considering un-friending the people who do use it just because I can not stand reading it at the end of every sentence, status update and comment these people type.

#3- One of these days my dirty mind is going to get me into trouble when I take attendance in some of my art classes. Seriously. It has a tendency to turn some names into, uh, well, inappropriate words. For example...

Laiba- My brain turns this into Labia (real pronunciation, Li-ba)
Faiq- My brain turns this into Fawk which isn't a far cry from Fuck (real pronunciation, Fike)
Valeria- My brain turns this into Venereal not, as you might expect, Malaria (real pronunciation, Va-lair-ia)

"It wasn't me, Officer, I swear. And you can't prove that it was... oh."

2010-09-29T19:30:00.000-04:00

The other day I headed into the office of one of my schools and walked in on the middle of a serious conversation.

The Administrative Assistant (aka "Head Secretary") was relaying a story to the Principal about something that happened when she and a couple of the other secretaries were in the back soccer field for their daily walk.

While out for their stroll, they stumbled upon part of the chain-link fence that had been torn down by an automobile, which they had concluded based on the tire tracks that had ripped up the entire soccer field.

The Principal, very concerned, stated that this incident needed to be immediately reported to Security. She also expressed that she hoped, but doubted, that they would be able to catch the person(s) who had damaged the fields.

At this point the Admin. Assist. stood up and said, "Oh, I don't think that should be a problem" as she pulled something out from behind her desk and dropped it onto the counter.

That's right, folks, the vandals had left behind their license plate. Mounting system and all.

And for the record, some principals just don't have a sense of humor. Especially when someone suggests to them, during a conversation about something as serious as vandalism, that maybe someone should report the incident to Dumb Criminals.

If this is how the day is going to start...

2010-09-27T06:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Blogger:

Why, why, why must you automatically save my drafts so quickly? Why, when I make a mistake, and hit Ctrl Z one too many times must that last time delete my entire post that I spent hours working on? And then, when I try to recover it, I am unable to because you automatically saved the deletion mere seconds after I made the oopsie?

I am not happy. It is your fault (and yes, admittedly, partially mine as well) that my "Previously on OBG" post will not be seen today. And it was a good one too. Well, it might have been. We'll never know now, will we? For all we know that post would have been the one to finally get me the attention and followers I've been yearning for (but not really. I read that post. It wasn't that great).

Thanks, Blogger. Thanks.

Sincerely,

One Blonde Girl

Behind the Music: The Anti-Electrics

2010-09-26T00:44:00.000-04:00

They were about to embark on a journey together. Fulfilling a life-long dream. Little did they know it would change their lives forever.

One boring, lonely weekend in suburbia hell, Malcolm and Tori found themselves agreeing to form a band. And not just any band, oh no, they were forming a rock band. Their prior knowledge of being in a band was limited. Malcolm once played organ at his church and had spent many weekends with friends playing guitar in their living rooms. Tori had once played clarinet in her school's band in middle school. Neither one of them could sing, so they immediately agreed to look outside their coupling for vocals. They chose their instruments easily enough, Malcolm on guitar and Tori on drums. Settling on a name would prove to be much more difficult.

After tossing around various different ideas, Malcolm suggested "Fuzzy Electric Peaches" while Tori wanted "The Fraggles".

"'Fuzzy Electric Peaches' evoked images of hairy vaginas in my mind. I really didn't want our fans to associate us with twats sporting five o'clock shadows. I was against that name from the start," claims Tori.

She told Malcolm as much too, and he explained that that was the whole point of the name. Seeing no compromise in sight, Tori suggested they decide what direction they wanted their band to head in, theorizing that this would make the name choice easier.

Malcolm saw folk rock in their future. Tori was envisioning alternative/punk rock.

As legend tells it, Tori became exasperated and discouraged by her and Malcolm's differences and feared for the fate of their band before it even had a chance to exist. She told Malcolm to go ahead and name the band whatever he wanted, but for the record, she was "anti-Electric".

And a band was born, and they called themselves The Anti-Electrics.

"I was okay with the new name, but I insisted we add the 'the' to it," interviews Tori, "All great bands have 'the' in their names, The White Stripes, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, The Black Keys, The Shins."

The Anti-Electrics began their tour in New York City, where the crowd received them well enough. As a cover band, Malcolm and Tori discovered creating a set list was no easy task. Malcolm favored The Beastie Boys and Survivor while Tori preferred the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bikini Kill and Interpol. They agreed on Beck, Radiohead and Talking Heads.

As their skill level and ability to please the crowd increased, so did The Anti-Electrics' consumption of whiskey and beer during performances.

"I wouldn't say our alcohol use really affected our performances at the start, but I did notice as we gradually began booking more shows, our stage fright disappeared and our awkward nervousness became nonexistent. I think, in the beginning, the booze really helped to loosen us up and make our performances more entertaining." Tori laughs, "I remember this one show, it was between sets, and Malcolm and I were joking around backstage and I remember we had had a few drinks, and I couldn't find my drumsticks, and I said to Malcolm, 'Hey, man, have you seen my guitar sticks?'" Tori chuckles, "To this day I still refer to them as my 'guitar sticks'. It became a running inside joke between Mal and I, you know?"

As their popularity grew, so did their need to hire a manager. Much to Malcolm's dismay, The Anti-Electrics decided to hire a real manager, resulting in the firing of his mother.

"I remember Malcolm took that pretty hard," interviews Pete, former vocalist for The Anti-Electrics, "I had only been with the band for a few months, I think I was the third, no, maybe the fourth singer they had hired, any ways, I started with the band just when its popularity took off and we were in need of a real manager. Mal's mom had been doing the job for years, but she just wasn't able to bring in the big shows."

Now booking shows in cities like Boston and Chicago, The Anti-Electrics were quickly becoming a household name. As the pressure to put on stellar performances increased, so did the distance between the band's founding members.

"You know, from day one we wanted to go in different directions. We tried to compromise with our song selections, but it was hard for both of us to play certain sets. I remember there were plenty of times Mal had to carry the set on stage. I just couldn't get into the groove, you know? But, then again, there were times when the crowd was on the verge of booing him off stage. Looking back on it now, I guess I should have known in Boston that the pressure was really beginning to come between us," Tori interviews.

The fame began affecting Malcolm and creating resentment within the band. Malcolm started spending the band's money frivolously and took to performing shirtless. Tori retreated further into the comforts of her own punk/goth style while the image of the band changed as frequently as the band's lead singer and bassist. It wasn't unusual for fans to attend two shows in the same week and discover that half of the members had been replaced in between shows. Again.

At the end of their tour in Boston, The Anti-Electrics finally fell apart.

"We'd been at it forever, it seemed. It was just one show after another. We were drinking too much, eating too little and Mal had taken to doing drugs in between sets. Nothing serious, just a little Mary Jane here and there, but it was definitely affecting his ability to perform on stage," Molly, former singer for The Anti-Electrics, explains. "Tori was really holding her own out there, and she was always the most energetic performer on stage. I know she was ready to continue the tour onto Chicago and even San Francisco, but it just wasn't meant to be."

The crumbling of The Anti-Electrics was even becoming evident to hard-core fans and dedicated crew. Shows were frequently being interrupted, often in the middle of songs, to replace old, malfunctioning instruments and equipment.
"No one wanted to come out and blame Malcolm for the problems the band was having, but we all knew the truth. We all knew," claims Rat, a former roadie for The Anti-Electrics.

After only a short time touring together, Malcolm finally admitted to the band that he wanted to end the tour early so he could "take a break." Tori, who'd been with him from the beginning, took it the hardest.

Tori reminisces, "It hurt, it really did. I don't want to say it wasn't expected, we all knew it was coming, but I was hoping we could at least make it to Chicago before Mal bailed out. He was struggling though, and our music was suffering. Despite it all, we had good times together. Good times."

Since the band's break-up, Tori has become a rock journalist, chronicling the lives of bands much like The Anti-Electrics, cover-bands with big dreams and even bigger underlying resentments and grudges. In the heart of their career, The Anti-Electrics hired and fired a total of eight lead singers and an equal number of bassists, all of whom have moved on to better things. Malcolm hasn't made a public appearance since The Anti-Electrics last show in Boston. Some believe he has found comfort in his bed, much like Brian Wilson had. Tori remains hopeful.

"I'd still like to believe that The Anti-Electrics will reunite and go on tour again. I have hope that we will make it to Chicago and maybe even San Francisco someday. I'm not giving up." Tori holds up her hands and winks, "These hands will hold guitar sticks once again, man, you can be sure of that."

VH1 has no affiliation with this blog.

Previously on OBG... 1.9

2010-09-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

Although inspired in part by a true incident,
the following story is fictional
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

When we last left OBG...

... she was terrified that she was going to kill off her blog because she's a working stiff now with a real job. She was toeing the racist line and had already managed to isolate herself from the group of people who were supposed to be her support group throughout her first year teaching in the county. She's been working her butt off at work, often arriving before 8:00am and leaving around 5:30-6:00pm. With at least an hour commute both ways, OBG was feeling the pains of commuting after only two weeks. Seeing as how OBG and the G-Man work a few streets away from each other, they felt carpooling together once or twice a week would be wise.

We now join OBG on Friday morning setting off for work with the G-Man on their trial run of car pooling.

OBG (with an unusually high amount of early morning cheeriness): Isn't this exciting?
The G-Man (skeptical): What?
OBG: Carpooling!
The G-Man: Oh, yeah. It'll sure make traffic a lot more tolerable with someone else in the car.
OBG (with a naive amount of giddiness): And you get to Kiss 'n Ride me too!
The G-Man: ...
OBG: ...

Having quickly recovered from the TWSS moment (Ed's Note: A goodie, no doubt, but still not good enough to outdo the OBG TWSS golden oldie moment of '07) we now join OBG, on Sunday morning, eating breakfast in the kitchen with the G-Man, Upstairs Mike and Upstairs Mike's kids, the Asian Dumplings.*

The G-Man:

Ms. OBG: When, boys and girls, would you want your feet to be really fast? (taps quiet Kindergarten girl, who is sitting criss-crossed applesauce with her hand raised, on the head with her magic wand)
Kindergarten Girl: Your eyes are oval shaped.
Ms. OBG: Uh... yes, yes they are... great observation...
In-Head OBG: Where were you 40 minutes ago when I asked the class what objects were shaped like ovals? Geez, kid, try to keep up, would ya?

Next time on OBG...

... Was the carpooling a success? Will OBG carpool with the G-Man again even though she spent a majority of the ride with her eyes closed tight while in great fear for her life? Is Upstairs Mike really that sexist (Ed's Note: Uh, yeah, it appears so)? Why did the dog of the house insist on waking OBG up at a quarter of one in the morning, begging to go outside? Is OBG really getting sick? Will the source of her sickness ever be discovered (Ed's Note: Uh, yeah, it was, you can read about it here at Art Teachers Hate Glitter)? Will Kindergartners ever learn to pay attention?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way.

* (Ed's Note: For the record, this is not a nickname I gave the kids, but a nickname that was already bestowed upon them prior to my arrival)

Hold the phone, folks, I think something must be wrong with your TIVO (What do you mean, "How do you know we TIVOed this episode of Previously on OBG?" Hello! Previously on OBG episodes air on Mondays, unless I'm mistaken, it is now Friday, so...). It seems your TIVO botched again and lost half of this episode. Either that, or someone forgot the blatantly sexist story they were going to tell and quickly had to cover it up with a funny classroom story. Personally, I think it's your TIVO.

Wordless who-ha now?

2010-09-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

Today I had a fifth grade student in my art room who was wearing a purple and grey plaid skirt with a black and white stripe boat neck, 3/4 sleeve tee. Can we say awesome?

I have discovered a fellow Project Runway fan, folks (she confirmed my theory on this), even though she is in fifth grade. It's always good to have something to bond with your students about.

And here I was afraid I was going to have to catch up on Spongebob episodes.

Forgive me while I ramble

2010-09-18T16:18:00.001-04:00

This work shit seems to be getting the best of me right now. I know that in a few weeks all the Beginning of the School Year (BOSY) crap will die down, and I'll have some free time again, but in the meantime, I'm dealing with BOSY crap in three different schools. Three schools that couldn't be any different, which I already babbled about here.

And while we're on the topic, can I just say that I'm terribly afraid this job is going to make me racist? I am, guys. Without getting into any specifics, I must say that there are a couple days a week in which my job is so much easier and my psyche is so much happier then, well, three other days of the week. It all comes down to student behavior and their cooperation in my classroom. One school I work at has a significantly more cooperative and responsive student body than the other two. While trying to figure out why, I concluded that I'm dangerously close to drawing racist conclusions. I think it might be time to reevaluate my approach with the other two schools because I do not want to become the ignorant person/teacher who has favorites based on race. I do not, do not, DO NOT want to become that person.

Source

Moving on...

I find myself heading to Target shortly to pick up a few items for my classroom; a timer, a magic wand and chimes. *Sigh* The life of an elementary art teacher, where you're expected to perform magic everyday. All part of the new strategy. I'm going to find something that'll work, dammit.

On a completely unrelated topic, still waiting on my driver's license to arrive and hating every ~~happy hour I miss~~ day I don't have it. In case you don't remember, or maybe I never mentioned it, I lost my license while in DC a couple of weekends ago. The worst part was that I wasn't even drunk, or in DC to get drunk. We were in DC for sushi and I'm pretty sure it fell out of my pocket while I was using the bathroom. Unfortunately, when I realized I had lost it (when we tried entering a different establishment after dinner for a "one for the road" beer), the sushi place was so packed, I couldn't even find the bathroom when I went back. Now I'm just waiting for a new one to arrive from New York.

Um... so I have so much to report on, whenever I can manage to find the time. There's a giveaway I won awhile a back and a contest I won as well that I never mentioned. Not that you necessarily care, but I like to spread the word, so-to-speak, on these sorts of things. Plus, I have a Saturday feature I started working on months ago that has yet to see the light. Maybe someday. My "Previously On" posts have been few and far between, and while I've managed to keep up on "Random Shit Tuesday" (more or less) they've certainly been lacking. I haven't had an "I ♥ Etsy" post in ages and it seems like I've completely forgotten that there are days after Tuesday in which I can post. And holy shit, when was the last time I shared my musical tastes with you all?

*Sigh*

This just in... who decided we needed to redesign the dollar bill, and why would we even consider letting the British to do it? Apparently there was a contest for this or something, and now people can vote for a redesign? I don't know how I feel about this, but it's trending towards not good. I haven't heard much on the subject.

You can read more about it here (although it doesn't really provide all that much information), and if anyone has anymore information on this (like, is it for real?) please pass it on. Thanks.

You probably forgot this...

2010-09-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

...but I'm an art teacher again. I used the last of my Wednesday brain cells (I've started rationing them) on a post over at Art Teachers Hate Glitter. Check it out.

20 Things Elementary Art Teachers Will Never Tell You.

And can I just take a moment here to say, Kindergartner farts in Virginia smell just as bad as the ones in New York. What on earth are you people feeding your five year olds?

RST: Laptops, underwear, and awkward social isolation.

2010-09-13T21:12:00.002-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

The new guy

I finally have a new laptop, y'all (hey, I'm technically in the south, right? Although I was informed a year ago that anything north of Woodbridge, VA is, well, the North...). My school district (or as it seems to work outside of NY, the county) provides all of its employees with brand new laptops to use (and take home). I've been hesitant to use it for personal use this first week because, well, I'm lazy. My old laptop has all my usernames and passwords on file (that's how it works, right?), all favorites bookmarked, and all my settings set just the way I like them. I haven't really had any time to do the same on this little guy (he is smaller than my old laptop. Lighter too). And if I must be honest with you, I really like the familiarity and comfort of my old laptop. My fingers aren't quite familiar with the smaller keyboard and bright blue lights on the new one yet. *Sigh* On the other hand, the new guy is very quiet and quicker (these qualities do not transfer to human new guys. At least not as a positive. Nor do the other qualities I listed above, for that matter. Just in case you were wondering).

And, as promised...

1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!111!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!111!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!

I tried to not copy and paste, which, of course, was what I was sick of doing in the first place, which is why I was so excited to be getting a laptop with all its buttons again, but damn! Typing '1' and '!' over and over again is taxing on the Shift finger.

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And for the record, this is the last time I use Internet Explorer to blog. It sucks. I apologize for any misspellings you might happen across. I usually rely heavily on the red dotted lines that Firefox provides me with. IE makes me check my spelling on my own. And it won't let me open things up in new tabs and insists on opening new windows. This just might be more obnoxious (to me) than the 1/! problem.

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Sometimes I feel like I lack some serious training on how to be a girl or something. For example, when left at home alone for the weekend, I walk around the house in my underwear, I don't shower or dress until 9:00 pm, beer and microwave popcorn becomes a suitable meal, everything goes into the dishwasher (and I do mean EVERYTHING), wet towels are left on the bedroom floor, and deodorant is optional.

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And did I mention that all of my pictures are on my other laptop? *Sigh*

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Last night I inadvertently set myself apart from the district's other new elementary art teachers during our training seminar by NOT following directions and doing it my way instead. No one wanted to work near me after that.

Now I know how the ADD kid feels.

For the record, I prefer wavy lines on my charts opposed to straight and I'm not sure why it wasn't okay that instead of trying to cram 6 pages of line & texture samples onto a too small piece of tag board, I took a pair of scissors to mine and made tiles. I should have been praised for thinking outside of the box and not made to feel stupid because my samples weren't the same as everyone elses.

And that's all I have to say about that.

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Feel free to quit me at anytime, folks. I shall not be offended (not too much, any way).

Everyone loves a meme. Wait... what do you mean, "No they don't"?

2010-09-11T23:34:00.000-04:00

Fuck it. It's my blog and I'm doing one anyways. This meme is brought to us by pieces of me, who I came across at...

(you've joined, right?)

Here goes...

Outside my window… there is darkness, and from the sounds of it, insects.

So… I am thinking… I could use another glass of wine. And I'm kind of feeling homesick and lonely.

I am thankful for… having a job. Finally.

I’m wearing… boy shorts and a tank top. Hooray for being home alone.

I am remembering… good times in NY.

I am creating… work for The Sketchbook Project. Images to come soon. Maybe.

I wonder … if I'll ever make it back to the gym or into a regular Pilates routine again. My thighs and love handles are screaming at me to try.

I am going… downstairs to the kitchen for some food. Oh, that's right, I haven't gone grocery shopping, so there is no food. Hmmm...

I am reading… shit. Not a gosh darn thing right now. But I hope to pick a book up again soon.

Song that is playing over and over in my head… "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band because I was searching for Pompatus of Love on Netflix earlier today to see if I could watch it on Instant Queue (I can't) and I got it stuck in my head.

I am hoping… that this new job makes me instead of breaks me. *Sigh* It's going to be a long year.

Pondering these words…. "letting go" is pretty much the same as "giving up", right? So when people advise you to "let go" and "move on," they're basically telling you to "quit" and "settle," right? Let's take, for example, that time I was stressing about not getting a teaching job and having to consider waiting tables, and people kept telling me that plenty of folks out there are working jobs in a field they didn't necessarily want to be in, and that maybe I should just suck it up and do the same thing (I'm paraphrasing). Well, guess what, I didn't listen, and I didn't give up, and I got a job doing what I want to do, so... IN YOUR FACE, people. Wait, that wasn't the point... my point is, "letting go" isn't always the way to go, right? I think holding on to hope is o-kay too.

From the kitchen… microwave popcorn, wine and frozen berries.

Around the house… everything is beige and French Country. I hate beige and French Country. I can't wait to move again.

One of my favorite things… is receiving surprise texts that make my heart feel good.

Doh… I totally just thought the wind blowing my bedroom blinds against the window was the sounds of footsteps coming up the driveway. And this is why I should never be left alone without adult supervision. Well, that and the fact that I am a walking disaster and am a danger to myself. Seriously. I have injuries on top of injuries. I injure myself with injuries. (I don't think I told you about this, but remember that last toe injury I had? Well, before I was able to clean up the damage, I managed to stub the gnarled toe on the heel of my other foot, trip across the driveway, and cut the back of my foot with my injured toe. Yes folks, I am that talented.)

I don’t get… Responsive Intervention Classrooms. How can I manage my classroom without consequences? I really need some training on this.

I do enjoy… time to myself. Being around other people 24/7 really wears on a person.

I am watching… Tin Man. One of my favorite versions of the Wizard of Oz.

A few plans for the rest of the week… work, work, and work. Oh, and a 3 1/2 hour New Employee Orientation and a 3 hour Bright Beginnings seminar. Both on Monday, beginning at 2pm. Ouch.

A picture I would like to share…

I don't think I shared a full image of my wine/liquor bag painting. As you may notice, it's not finished. I don't think I have ever completed any of my work. It's a problem I have. I've given up trying to work on it and have come to accept it.

And that's it, folks.

It's not what you think. I think.

2010-09-10T23:53:00.000-04:00

I've been quite the busy bee this week. These new jobs are non-stop craziness that I hope will settle down soon (for more, kind of boring, details, read, Be Careful What You Wish For...). Meanwhile I feel like Jack Torrance holed up in the Overlook Hotel. Minus the bathtub of blood, talking fingers and Shelley Duvall, of course. Kudos to those of you who made the connection with yesterday's creep-o post. If you missed that reference, well, I can only assume we weren't birthed in the same decade.

Young 'uns these days. What's the world coming to?

I'm trying with all my might to not kill off this blog. But holy shit, folks, I'm tired. 5:00 am to 7:00 pm makes for a very, very long day. And when I finally get home, the last thing I want to do is... well... anything, really. All I really want to do is collapse on the first flat surface I encounter and just pass... the fuck... out.

That being said, I have the entire house to myself this weekend (and I can assure you, ever since that strange man walked up from the basement and into the kitchen last night, the doors are locked ALL. THE FUCKING. TIME. now.), and I will probably have some time while ~~I'm making breakfast~~ my popcorn's in the microwave to whip up some clever posts. You've been warned.

Wendy, I'm home.

2010-09-09T19:32:00.000-04:00

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An OBG PSA: Put Down the Duckie

2010-09-08T18:41:00.003-04:00

There's a fire in your house, what would you go back for?

Your morning alarm goes off, what's the first thing you reach for?

It's late and you're in bed, what nighttime ritual do you perform before hitting the hay?

You're in a restaurant enjoying good food, good beer and good company, what's in your hand?

Complete this sentence, "I would be lost without..."

If you answered "my smart phone", or any version of that phrase to any of the above questions, guess what, folks?

YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM!!

Yup, that's right, you're an addict. Consider this your intervention. On behalf of your loved ones, I implore you...

PUT DOWN THE GODDAMN DUCKIE!*

*The duckie being your smart phone, and in the vid below, "play the saxophone" can be substituted with just about any activity. Like cooking. Or driving. Or having sex.

And for those of you who aren't addicts, you're still gonna wanna watch this clip. Trust me.

What does Jane Curtain, Pee Wee Herman, Mark Ingram and Jeremy Irons all have in common?

They're in this clip.

Curious. Does this pic creep anyone else out? I fear for Snuffy's trunk. (click to enlarge. TWHS!!)

You're kind creepy, Keith.

RST: Glue, crocheted beards, sexism, lanyards, tater tots, and ModCloth love.

2010-09-07T04:51:00.075-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My randomness...

(Source)

I would love to know what glue is used on those pesky apple stickers that I now use a knife to remove. I can think of a ton of other applications for this miracle glue. Like fixing peeling wallpaper. Or hemming pants because I don't know how to sew. Or hanging posters up on cement brick walls. Or reattaching the rubber stumps on the bottom of my laptop. Or sealing envelopes. Or hanging a 50 lb. mirror on the wall directly above my precious Hummel collection.* For real, that glue is some serious shit.

* I don't have a Hummel collection, per se. I don't think I used "per se" correctly here.

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(Source)

This item made it on a list of stupidest inventions that I read about on Are You Serious? by Midwestern Mama Holly, but I think they're pretty awesome. What do you think?

I know what everyone on my Christmas list will be getting this year. You can find many styles available from the Etsy shop, taraduff. And I think it's great that Tara's family fully supports her endeavors. Check out her blog, where you can find a pic of the entire family donning this "stupidest invention".

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(Source)

I hate generalizations and the stupid people who make them. I don't make them, and I don't expect people to make them about me. It's insulting. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have a burning desire to control all the money or that I have out-of-control spending habits. So shut the fuck up. You don't know me.*

And while we're on the topic of sexism, asking a woman how she feels now that she's "joined the world of working women" is just as insulting as asking her how she manages to tie her apron with a spatula in her hand before she makes you dinner. Stupid man.** I can't even begin to imagine why two wives have left you.

* I've always wanted to use this phrase, but I don't really foresee an appearance on Jerry Springer or Maury in my future. Are those shows still on?

** Notice I didn't say "men", because, as I mentioned, I don't making generalizations and am directing my disgust towards one man in particular.

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It seems I must now wear my face around my neck every weekday. Because of this, I am on the hunt for a cool and stylish lanyard. I'm not sure they exist. Of course, my search first took me to Etsy. (duh). I found some kind of interesting ones, but not quite as cool as I was hoping for. Of course, I would like some input on this.

At first, I thought I wanted a beaded lanyard. This one, "Painter's Palette" by LANYARD LADY is kind of neat, but then I started thinking that this might be a little too Artsy Fartsy. I know what you're thinking, "but OBG, you are an art teacher." You're right, however I pride myself on not being one of those art teachers. Plus, it seems like all the other teachers with unique lanyards have beaded ones, thus rendering them no longer unique.

Then I thought something like this one, "Silver Tiki" by curlynetto would be a good idea. One can rarely ever rely on the classroom clocks to be accurate, and ever since the battery died in my watch (three? four? years ago), I haven't worn one. Then I decided that the watch style of beaded lanyards all tend to be a tad too old ladyish for my taste. Plus, like I said before, everyone seems to do the beaded thing.

Having become quite tired of the beaded thing, I decided to venture into the world of fabric lanyards, like this "Seaglass" one by sewgracious. There appears to be a wide variety of options when it comes to fabric lanyards, which is good, however, knowing how fickle I am, I would be afraid that I'd pick one out that I like right now, but would soon tire of it three months down the road.

Giving up on the lanyard idea altogether, I decided to check out retractable badge reels like "Sock Monkey" here by kimberlyk. I think these guys are, gosh darn-it, just the cutest little monkeys that ever did decorate a badge reel. On the other hand, I've had badge reels before and I know how frequently I get them caught on things and how often I break them. It would break my heart if I broke my monkey.

Not quite willing to give up on the lanyard style, I did another search and came across this wondrous "Custom Geek Lanyard" by PeriwinkleDynz. You may have noticed that this lanyard is not only made of beads, but also of resistors. Having harbored a secret crush on resistors since my days of high school science (don't judge), I thought this lanyard was super-d-duper fantastic. (Doctor Who, Picard, Tron, Flux Capacitor, Boobs).

So what do you all think? Should I go with one of the ones above, or do you have other recommendations?

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(Source)

Cheese has no business being in sushi.

Sushi has no business being served warm.

That being said, when being consumed along side $3 PBRs, nontraditional sushi ain't that bad.

In completely unrelated news (but not really), I ate at Sticky Rice in DC for the first time the other night. Apparently they're well known for their tater tots. And I have to admit, they were good. And not at all like the smooshie, soggy tots from your school's cafeteria. The G-Man and my other two housemates go there frequently. Apparently one of them (who may or may not be the individual I was referring to a minute ago) is good friends with the owner. Or something like that. You may recall that time I randomly ended up in a DC restaurant after partying in a field at a wine festival in Virginia. Same guy. Different restaurant.

(I had sushi for dinner the other night in Reston, at the Ariake Japanese Restaurant as well. It was probably one of the best authentic sushi experiences I've had. And the best part? It's right down the road from my new jobs!)

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I am so super excited to be getting a paycheck again. I'm in dire need of some real work appropriate clothing. It seems I've weeded out most of the clothes I used to wear to work because a) they no longer fit b) they were no longer in style or c) I no longer liked them. I've already started window shopping on ModCloth in anticipation of that first check. Here's a few items I'm coveting.

And you can be damn sure I'll be popping back over to Anthropologie again. After all, I now work minutes away from their store.

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And that's about it for my randomness. Today is my first day of work with students, so if I manage to survive, you can be sure to see me back here tomorrow. Happy Tuesday.

Now Robot Friendly

2010-09-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

Source

And you can thank Twig for that.

But that actually has nothing at all to do with this post. I just wanted to let the robots out there know.

Plus, I'm trying to up my geek traffic, so I figure if I frequently use the word "robot" and maybe even "Futurama", I might attract the Geek-Squad. I'm not really sure why this is a new goal of mine, I guess I just thought it would be a fun challenge.

Robot.

Futurama.

Where was I again? Oh, right.

So, the last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of crazy business.

In the span of (less than?) two weeks, I had two interviews, was hired for two .40 elementary art positions, gained two classrooms at two different schools, lost one of those classrooms but gained art on a cart, went "camping", lost art on a cart and was told a new classroom was being built, traveled into DC for in-service training with the other 230+ ART teachers in my school system, met and potentially made some new friends, confirmed that I am now permanently certified to teach in NY, had another job interview and was hired at another school, gained another classroom, questioned my antics in March and pondered on the F book whether or not I got wasted and blew a leprechaun, survived the stress of a TB test, started drinking milk again (in chocolate form. It's all about the baby steps, folks), and... I think that's about it. I think.

Everyone should have in-service training here.

Phew.

Let's flashback for a moment. Remember when I graduated with my MASTERS back in May? Remember how that was all I talked about? I'm going to try so super hard not to do that now. I mean, I have an entirely separate blog for that, right? Right. But I'm excited, so please forgive me this week while I go on and on about how wonderful life is right now (check back next week, after I've had students, and I might be singing a different tune).

But if you think I've been too Cheery Cheri for your taste this week, you will be happy (bastards) to hear that I realized today that my new work schedule will mean that I will not be able to adopt a shelter dog like I had been hoping to do. It just wouldn't be fair to make a dog sit at home all day by itself. I've been there, done that, and I can tell you, I wouldn't wish that experience on any four-legged creature (except cats).

Alas, we were not meant to be together, dear, sweet puppies.

If only some program existed that allowed me to adopt a dog for the weekends. Like a doggieshare. He (or she) could live with a loving, caring person with lots of free-time during the week and then live with a loving, caring person (me!) on the weekends.

*Sigh*

Anysadness, tomorrow will be my last day before students start. I haven't done a lick of work on any of my classrooms, so I'll probably be working late. I also get to have my fingerprints done and my official badge made. Oh, and I get my laptop too. Yeah, that's right, every teacher gets their own laptop for the year. Be on the lookout for a plethora of !s and 1s from me in the future.

RST: Short and sweet and all sorts of rambly.

2010-08-31T19:38:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday!

My almost-forgotten randomness...

Whoa! Did you all know today was Tuesday? Totally slipped my mind. What with the two new jobs and what not. Oh, and did I mention I have another interview Thursday morning to fill the vast empty hole that is my Wednesdays? I do. Which means I could be a true-blue, 100% elementary art teacher. Keep those fingers crossed and those good vibes coming!

***

As I'm adjusting to my new life, please forgive the inevitable decline in posting that is bound to occur over the next month or so.

***

Are TB tests supposed to make your hand numb? Hmmm... and people wonder why I fear needles.

***

The highlights of my new job(s) thus far...

free loot (shirts, magnets, candy, supplies, tote bags...)
I won a plant as a door prize on "new teacher day" (my year goal for the school year is to keep it alive)
my very own, new laptop
I lost a classroom, but then I was told they're building me a classroom (well, for me and the other part-time art teacher, but whatev')
free breakfast and lunch for two days (catered, no less)

I'm sure there's more stuff, but I'm tired. Getting up at 5:00am blows, yo.

***

Is anyone else's spacing on their posts getting fucked up like mine, or should I just chalk this one up to "user error?"

***

Is "else's" not really a legitimate word, or is my spellchecker just joshing with me?

**

Hooray for my rambling randomness. Please forgive my lameness. It's only temporary.

Please Don't Puke in the Porta-Potty (aka Previously on OBG...)

2010-08-30T19:29:00.004-04:00

Although inspired in part by a true incident,
the following story is fictional
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

When we last left OBG...

[Editor's Note: Uh... I have a job now, biotches, I don't have time to recap my life for you. If you must have a recap, I recommend you scroll on down to the archive on the right. Oh, and please forgive the new format. This wasn't originally intended to be a "Previously On" post, so just go with it.]

We now join OBG on a "camping trip" this past weekend which turned out to be more of a hippie/redneck music festival in a field than it was a camping trip.

It's Friday night, around 8:00pm, the car is all packed up and ready to go for the "camping trip." OBG is in the driver's seat and the G-Man is in the passenger's (they're taking OBG's car because it's bigger). They are about to depart for Gore, VA but must first stop for ice, beer, crackers and gas. The GPS gets plugged in and programmed for their destination...

OBG: Whoa. It's going to take us nearly two hours to get there?

The G-Man: Oh. I guess so. Let me check. (opens up smart phone and does some fancy thumb work.) Yeah. Guess it will.

OBG: We're not going to get there until at least 10:30.

The G-Man: Huh. (thinks) I'm hungry.

OBG: Me too.

The G-Man: Huh. (thinks)

[crickets]

[sun begins setting]

[more crickets]

The G-Man: Want to go grab some pizza and beer and just leave tomorrow morning?

OBG: Sure.

We now join OBG and the G-Man on Saturday, chilaxing with a beer after having arrived at the "camp site" (i.e. the field) and successfully set up camp with no unexpected surprises (E.g. missing stakes, bloody toes, raised voices).

OBG: Now what?

The G-Man: Well... now we go and introduce ourselves to our neighbors. [Ed's note: Neighbors being the six other "camps" set up within spitting distance of our "camp".]

OBG: Say what now?

The G-Man: You know, go say hi, introduce ourselves...

OBG: Fuck that. Camping is supposed to be about privacy and getting away from other people.

The G-Man: C'mon. It'll be fun.

OBG: I think your definition of fun, and camping, is completely different than mine. Fuck. I need to finish this beer first.

The G-Man has now led OBG to a van/camp behind their own "camp" and up the hill a bit. They proceed to introduce themselves to the Modern Day Hippies (MDH) who belong to the van/camp. [Ed's Note: MDH being people who believe in natural, at-home births but also cite Michael Jackson as a parental role model. Kid you not. MDH being people who chose to become vegetarians because they don't want to pollute their bodies with nasty chemicals but then proceed to down three cans of Mt. Dew. Excuse me. *Diet* Mt. Dew. MDH being people who are camping in a field, allow their 7-month old to crawl on the ground, share *tobacco* pipes with strangers, but also carry around a gallon jug of hand sanitizer that they insist everyone visiting their camp use every ten minutes so as not to expose their baby to nasty germs. Just thought we should all be on the same page with my definition of MDH].

MDH Male: My name is Sonny [Ed's Note: Sunny?].

MDH Female: Hi, I'm Melody.

Sonny: And you are?

OBG: Hi, I'm April [Ed's Note: Like you all didn't already know that].

Sonny: April, huh? Is that your first name or your middle name?

OBG: Uh... my first name.

Sonny: Oh. What is your middle name?

OBG: Uh, M------ [Ed's Note: Like I'm going to tell you that, dear readers. Ha. Now I sound like Stephen King].

Sonny: M------... April M------. Is that your real name? Like, were you born with it?

OBG: Uh... yeah.

Sonny: Oh.

In-head OBG: What the fuck?

A few minutes later...

Melody: Giving birth at home was the most transcendental experience ever. Like, it takes you to a whole other plane of consciousness.

Sonny: And there were no hospital bills, and we didn't have to sign anything.

Melody: We had to sign that contract with the mid-wife.

Sonny: Right, but we didn't have to pay anything.

Melody: It did cost $3500. But we didn't take any birthing classes.

Sonny: Except for that one we started at the hospital.

Melody: Right, but we quit after they asked, "Who knows what end of the bottle goes in the baby's mouth?"

Sonny: Right, which is a huge insult to anyone with internet.

In-head OBG: What the fuck?

Later...

Sonny: I don't ruin my mind with TV.

Melody: Sometimes you do.

Sonny: Right, well, I am excited the new NFL season is beginning. I love the Redskins.

Melody: And it's unbelievable how different the game is when watching it on our 37" flat-screen TV.

In-head OBG: Say what now?

Three beers, one tasty burger, one nap and one trip to the porta-potties later...

The G-Man: Want another beer?

OBG: Has a clean bathroom with toilet paper magically appeared in the field?

The G-Man: No.

OBG: No thanks then.

Later in the evening...

The G-Man: Want a beer?

OBG: Has a clean bathroom with toilet paper magically appeared in the field?

The G-Man: No.

OBG: No thanks then.

[Ed's Note: You get the idea, right? I don't have to further illustrate for you that no liquids passed my lips at all for the rest of the night after I took that last trip to the porta-potties at 7pm, right? Good.]

Later in the evening, around eleven pm, OBG and the G-Man have wandered down to the stage to hear the headlining, Grateful Dead cover band. OBG, dead sober, is trying to stay warm while avoiding being tackled by the "dancing", not-so sober people around her.

In-head OBG: What the fuck am I doing here? I don't even really *like* the Dead. Would it be rude if I went to bed now?

Later in the evening, around one am, after another tasty burger had been consumed and the last band was still performing...

OBG: Now what?

The G-Man: I'm kind of tired.

OBG: Me too! I mean, yeah, I'm kind of sleepy.

The G-Man: I'm thinking of going to bed.

OBG: Me too, but I didn't want to be rude. Or sound old.

And it was at this moment when OBG and the G-Man realized that their days of attending musical field festivals were probably numbered. Well, it was actually the following morning when they were sipping their coffee around the propane grill and reminiscing about the previous night's events, like when the high school kids stopped by at one point and were making obscure and unknown drug references that OBG and the G-Man just sort of nodded along with, or like when a beer pong tournament was occurring next door and OBG and the G-Man couldn't be bothered to go over and play, or like when OBG really, really wanted S'Mores but had no desire to intrude on someone else's fire pit [Ed's note: Our "camp" didn't have a fire pit. Our "camp" being the only flat spot under a tree left in the field when we arrived], or like when OBG stopped consuming liquids for twelve hours so she wouldn't have to use the nasty porta-potties or pee in the woods at night [Ed's note: I did use the porta-potties the next morning and was disgusted to see that someone had puked in them. I mean, hello! We were IN A FIELD that was surrounded by woods. What douche-bag pukes in a porta-John instead of IN THE FIELD?]

*Sigh*

Did I mention I have a job now? And furthermore, does anyone know what a "Molly" is?

Pssh... like I ever had any doubts.

2010-08-26T02:00:00.001-04:00

UPDATED

So.... if you follow me on the Twit (and I don't blame you if you don't. I decided long ago that I'm not nearly cool enough nor a dedicated enough tweeter [twatter?] to sit at that lunch table), or if you're related to me, or if you live in the same house as me, then you've already heard the good news. For the rest of you, here it is...

I GOTS MYSELF A REAL JOB!!!

For reals, y'all.

For all you lolcat lovers out there. (Source)

But seriously, I landed the job that I interviewed for on Tuesday, despite my mixed feelings about it. And if I got the job because they were super impressed by me, or because they were working on a major time crunch, or because I was the only one interviewed (which I wasn't, but thanks for that suggestion, Twin) is irrelevant because, well, I got the job. It's only a .40 position, which I'm no stranger to, but I couldn't have been any more excited when I got the call, as was evident by my super-happy-crazy-cheering-and-grunting victory dance. Thankfully no one was present to witness that debacle.

I'll be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays as an Elementary Art Teacher. And I get my own classroom too, which, if you know anything about teaching art, especially teaching art part-time, is a rare treat indeed.

Now you're probably wondering to yourselves, "Well, that's great and all, OBG, but what are you going to do on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?" I'm glad you asked. Not one hour after I accepted the position, I was called by another school who is looking for a .40 Elementary Art teacher, oh, and can I come in tomorrow and interview? (as in today. In fact, since the interview is at 9:00am EST, I'm probably at it as you're reading this. Or maybe I already had it, in which case, you can probably scroll down and find an update.)

Now you're probably wondering, "But OBG, won't these two jobs conflict with each other?" Au contraire, my dear friends. As it turns out, the second school is looking for a teacher for Mondays and Fridays. Could it be anymore perfect?

Now if only that other elementary school that I contacted yesterday is looking for their .20 Elementary Art teacher to work Wednesdays, well, then I might be able to pull off this full-time teaching thing after all.

UPDATE: So... I had my interview at 9:00am, and it lasted nearly an hour, which indicated two things to me... 1. it went really well, and 2. they weren't interviewing anyone else. And, of course, I rocked that interview!

And then, on my way home after wards (about 15-20 minutes after I left the interview), the assistant principal I interviewed with called and offered me the position.

Yay!

So I am now a .80 Elementary Art Teacher, working Mondays and Fridays in one school and Tuesdays and Thursdays in another school. And one of the coolest things? They're minutes away from each other. As in a few roads away. Oh, and they're also minutes away from the G-Man's new job as well.

And did I mention that I get benefits? Yeah, I do. But you know, whatever, no biggie.

And you know what else? I kind of like the idea of having Wednesdays off.

Gotta go now because I start work TOMORROW and there's tons of stuff I need to take care of.

I've-Got-Some-Words-For-You, Wednesday

2010-08-25T02:00:00.001-04:00

(Source)

When will companies realize that I don't want some dude in India listening to my ranting and raving when I have a billing issue? English isn't his native language, therefore he won't be able to fully understand the severity of my problem. Will he really be able to grasp the nuance of using the word "fabulous" when thoroughly dissatisfied? No, he'll just keep repeating the same phrase over and over to me until I crack and start yelling, sweating and crying all at once. And then he'll put me on hold for two minutes and after two minutes he'll repeat what he had previously said and then put me on hold for two minutes again and then finally, 20 minutes later, he'll "talk to his supervisor". And then I'll feel super guilty after he fixes my issue, so I'll apologize and thank him for his help that wasn't so helpful. Like I need more guilt in my life.

I live in the same house as you. I told you, to your face, that yeah, I'll go camping this weekend. We went to the store and purchased some camping equipment together. We discussed driving arrangements and who may or may not be accompanying us on said camping trip. After all this, why the fuck should I be expected to RSVP to your Facebook camping "event"? I already told you I'm going, why does the rest of the world need to know my weekend plans? They don't. So... back the fuck off!

I don't even know what CrossLoop is.

Is it really absolutely necessary that I create an account for everything I want to do on the internet? Why? Why, why, why? Want to find a job? Create an account first. Want to research car insurance? Create an account first. Want to listen to free music? Create an account first. Free movies and TV? Create an account first. Want to view the pizza menu online? You have an account, right? And why must every single freakin' account be linked to an email address? I find I'm creating new email addresses all the time because the old ones are getting so bogged down by junk mail. I have email accounts, banking accounts, blogging accounts, insurance accounts, teaching accounts, job searching accounts, shopping accounts, post office accounts, DMV accounts, credit card accounts, music accounts, entertainment accounts... WHEN DOES IT END, I ASK YOU, WHEN?!?

(Source)

Is it really necessary for the workers at those damn kiosks in the middle of the mall to approach me every time I walk by? I just walked by here, foreign blonde chickie, and I still don't want to try the hair product you're swindling. Just let me get on with my window shopping in peace, please. And the same goes for all you charity drives. Putting cute little kids at a table outside of a store and making them ask passerbys (aka me) if they (me) want to buy their product, for charity, isn't going to make them (me) want to buy it. For one, I never have cash on me. And for another, ugh, let me be. The same applies to cashiers who try to get me to buy their ribbons/balloons/smile faces for only $1 when I'm checking out. Yes, sometimes I'll feel generous and purchase your lousy piece of paper, for charity, but I'm not going to do every single time I'm in the store. I DON'T NEED ANYMORE GUILT IN MY LIFE!

Thanks for letting me get all of that off of my chest. No, I'm not PMS-ing, why do you ask? And in regards to that job interview that I had? Eh. We'll see, but I'm not really feeling it. As always, I nailed the interview, but that doesn't mean I got the job. Sometimes that's just the way the cookie crumbles.