PMS is Making Me Fat: And Other Complaints No One Cares About

       

The sensation of fatness

As if the automatic 5 lb. weight gain, courtesy of The Bloat, wasn't bad enough during PMS week, I also have this irresistible driving need to eat everything in sight. As if I really need to eat 3 frozen York Peppermint Patties, a bag of microwave popcorn, 2 scoops of peanut butter and 3 chocolate santas* in ONE sitting (I don't. Really, brain, I don't).

***

Not my bagel, but close enough

Dear Toaster:

What the fuck, man, what the fuck? I thought the "Bagel" button was a special button you pushed when you wanted to toast a bagel, thus setting up some sort of magical toaster toasting technique that would result in a perfectly toasted bagel, and not, for example, a crunchy, blackened, nearly-inedible disc of whole wheat baked dough. Am I wrong?

***

Big Heads

Facebook chains. Or whatever the fuck you call them. I hate 'em. "97% of you won't repost this." Well no shit. That's because they're lame. Which makes you lame. And you show everybody just how lame you are by reposting the damn things. And for the record, reposting some lame-o status update to Facebook doesn't bring attention to anything. I mean, who is it that's supposed to be paying attention? Are there some mighty Big Heads perusing everyone's Facebook status updates who are all like, "Whoa. Did you see this? All these people on Facebook reposted the same status update. It must be important. Huh. Hey, fellow Big Head, have you ever heard of do-mes-tic vi-o-lence? Yeah, me neither. I'm so glad we have Facebook to bring our attention to this problem Let's go tell the world!" 

Hey Lame-os! If you really want to make a difference, go donate money to a charity or do some other charitable act. Telling the Facebook world what color your bra is doesn't accomplish a goddamn thing.

***

I'm really enjoying having a doggy visitor for a week, but DAMN! am I hating those 6:30 am "business" walks.

***

Why, oh wby, must sucralose be in EVERYTHING? Just give me sugar, and stop putting some fake, nasty-tasting, chemical in my food!

***

SIDENOTE:

* apparently "santas" is not really a word. My spell check wants me to change it to "snatch" or "Satan". WTH?

I ain't no fool. And it's not my month.

  

I desperately plead of you, future parents, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, please, please take your child into consideration before you name him or her. Think about the fact that he or she will need to live with this name for his or her ENTIRE LIFE. Neglecting to do so may result in your child resenting his or her name for his or her ENTIRE LIFE and quite possibly resenting you in the process.

Trust me on this one. I know. Sticking your child with an unfortunate name will have horrendous consequences. Not for you, but for your child. Say, for example, you name him or her after a month (this is purely hypothetical, of course), your child may have to suffer through a lifetime of exchanges and bad jokes quite similar to the following (not that I would know. I'm just saying.)...

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? It's not April. It's June!"

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? It's not April. It's October!"

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? It's not April. It's March!" (you get the idea, right?)

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? Does that mean you were born in April?"

"No, I was born in January."

"Then why did your parents name you April?"

"I honestly don't know."

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? Does that mean you were born in April?"

"No, I was born in January."

"Then why didn't your parents name you January?"

"Because that would have been stupid, obviously."

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? You must bring flowers when you shower, right?" (sly wink)

"Oh for the love of god"

"What's your name?"

"April."

"April? And your middle initial is 'M'?"

"Yes"

"As in April May?" (hahaha)

"No."

"What's your name?"

"April"

"April? So this must be May and June." (pointing at your two sisters)

"Wow, you're clever."

"Does anyone know what the date is tomorrow?"

"It's April 1st."

"April? April! It's your month!"

"No, really, it isn't."

Or my all time least favorite...

(In a sing-song voice) "April showers brings... the boys!"

"WTF?"

I once worked with a Chef who actually had an original April joke, and it really was clever. I wish I could remember it...

And for your entertainment, in honor of today... 

April, acting looking like a fool (because apparently I deleted all the foolish acting pics from my computer. Sorry)...