Previously on OBG... Season 2 Premiere

                       
Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

Last Season on OBG...

 

...  New glasses were purchased, Snood was played, there was a hiatus for God only knows what reason (read: probably a hangover), 4th of July was a wreck, bar brawls almost broke out, a bunch of people in a bar talked about their kids, meaningless shit was discussed, hippies were puking in porta-potties, and people were stupid. What does this season have in store for us? Let's find out.

Scene Begins.

 

We're in the kitchen of OBG's townhouse, around 5:00 pm, on a Saturday night. OBG and the G-Man are on their way to a surprise 40th birthday party. OBG has just finished whipping up some appetizers, has removed the Brie en Croute from the oven, and is about to put the hot plate of golden cheese stuffed bread onto the serving platter when she notices something unusual. The G-Man is poking holes in the aluminum foil covering the mushroom turnovers. The act of hole poking isn't so unusual as it is beneficial for allowing the release of built up steam, thus preventing the turnovers from becoming soggy, but what is so unusual is that the G-Man has taken it upon himself to poke the holes without being asked to (OBG was about to do it after she dealt with the Brie en Croute). Thoroughly impressed, slightly taken aback and a tad bit distracted, OBG proceeds to move the plate of Brie to the serving platter.

"MOTHER FUCKER!"

 

With a sudden clatter, the plate of Brie finds it's way back to the stove top as OBG, with tears streaming down her face, proceeds to nurse the burned fingers on her right hand. But not before putting the pot holder she was holding in her left hand down on the counter.

End Scene.

This Season on OBG...
... What will this season bring for OBG? Will a new home, a new town, and the presence of new people bring exciting and interesting experiences for OBG (Ed's Note: Probably not.)? Will "pregnancy brain" and the impending birth of a baby have any impact on OBG's everyday life (Ed's Note: Probably)? Did OBG really leave her house and attend a surprise birthday party in her bedroom slippers (Ed's Note: Yes she did.)? And with alcohol off the table, will OBG's weekends be exciting at all? Will the audience even care? Is this the season OBG jumps the shark (Ed's Note: Apparently the introduction of new characters has that effect)? With all these Editor's Notes, do we even need to tune in for the next episode (Ed's Note: ...)?

Stay tuned to find out the answers to at least one of these questions and to the questions you never even knew you had.

Previously on OBG... 1.9

                       
Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

When we last left OBG...

... she was terrified that she was going to kill off her blog because she's a working stiff now with a real job. She was toeing the racist line and had already managed to isolate herself from the group of people who were supposed to be her support group throughout her first year teaching in the county. She's been working her butt off at work, often arriving before 8:00am and leaving around 5:30-6:00pm. With at least an hour commute both ways, OBG was feeling the pains of commuting after only two weeks. Seeing as how OBG and the G-Man work a few streets away from each other, they felt carpooling together once or twice a week would be wise.

We now join OBG on Friday morning setting off for work with the G-Man on their trial run of car pooling.

OBG (with an unusually high amount of early morning cheeriness): Isn't this exciting? 
The G-Man (skeptical): What?
OBG: Carpooling!
The G-Man: Oh, yeah. It'll sure make traffic a lot more tolerable with someone else in the car.
OBG (with a naive amount of giddiness): And you get to Kiss 'n Ride me too!
The G-Man: ...
OBG: ...

Having quickly recovered from the TWSS moment (Ed's Note: A goodie, no doubt, but still not good enough to outdo the OBG TWSS golden oldie moment of '07) we now join OBG, on Sunday morning, eating breakfast in the kitchen with the G-Man, Upstairs Mike and Upstairs Mike's kids, the Asian Dumplings.*

The G-Man:

Ms. OBG: When, boys and girls, would you want your feet to be really fast? (taps quiet Kindergarten girl, who is sitting criss-crossed applesauce with her hand raised, on the head with her magic wand)
Kindergarten Girl: Your eyes are oval shaped.
Ms. OBG: Uh... yes, yes they are... great observation...
In-Head OBG: Where were you 40 minutes ago when I asked the class what objects were shaped like ovals? Geez, kid, try to keep up, would ya?

Next time on OBG...

... Was the carpooling a success? Will OBG carpool with the G-Man again even though she spent a majority of the ride with her eyes closed tight while in great fear for her life? Is Upstairs Mike really that sexist (Ed's Note: Uh, yeah, it appears so)? Why did the dog of the house insist on waking OBG up at a quarter of one in the morning, begging to go outside? Is OBG really getting sick? Will the source of her sickness ever be discovered (Ed's Note: Uh, yeah, it was, you can read about it here at Art Teachers Hate Glitter)? Will Kindergartners ever learn to pay attention?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. 

* (Ed's Note: For the record, this is not a nickname I gave the kids, but a nickname that was already bestowed upon them prior to my arrival)

Hold the phone, folks, I think something must be wrong with your TIVO (What do you mean, "How do you know we TIVOed this episode of Previously on OBG?" Hello! Previously on OBG episodes air on Mondays, unless I'm mistaken, it is now Friday, so...). It seems your TIVO botched again and lost half of this episode. Either that, or someone forgot the blatantly sexist story they were going to tell and quickly had to cover it up with a funny classroom story. Personally, I think it's your TIVO.

Please Don't Puke in the Porta-Potty (aka Previously on OBG...)

           

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

When we last left OBG...

[Editor's Note: Uh... I have a job now, biotches, I don't have time to recap my life for you. If you must have a recap, I recommend you scroll on down to the archive on the right. Oh, and please forgive the new format. This wasn't originally intended to be a "Previously On" post, so just go with it.]

      
We now join OBG on a "camping trip" this past weekend which turned out to be more of a hippie/redneck music festival in a field than it was a camping trip. 

It's Friday night, around 8:00pm, the car is all packed up and ready to go for the "camping trip." OBG is in the driver's seat and the G-Man is in the passenger's (they're taking OBG's car because it's bigger). They are about to depart for Gore, VA but must first stop for ice, beer, crackers and gas. The GPS gets plugged in and programmed for their destination...

OBG: Whoa. It's going to take us nearly two hours to get there?

The G-Man: Oh. I guess so. Let me check. (opens up smart phone and does some fancy thumb work.) Yeah. Guess it will.

OBG: We're not going to get there until at least 10:30.

The G-Man: Huh. (thinks) I'm hungry.

OBG: Me too.

The G-Man: Huh. (thinks)

[crickets]

[sun begins setting]

[more crickets] 

The G-Man: Want to go grab some pizza and beer and just leave tomorrow morning?

OBG: Sure.

We now join OBG and the G-Man on Saturday, chilaxing with a beer after having arrived at the "camp site" (i.e. the field) and successfully set up camp with no unexpected surprises (E.g. missing stakes, bloody toes, raised voices).

OBG: Now what?

The G-Man: Well... now we go and introduce ourselves to our neighbors. [Ed's note: Neighbors being the six other "camps" set up within spitting distance of our "camp".]

OBG: Say what now?

The G-Man: You know, go say hi, introduce ourselves...

OBG: Fuck that. Camping is supposed to be about privacy and getting away from other people.

The G-Man: C'mon. It'll be fun.

OBG: I think your definition of fun, and camping, is completely different than mine. Fuck. I need to finish this beer first.

The G-Man has now led OBG to a van/camp behind their own "camp" and up the hill a bit. They proceed to introduce themselves to the Modern Day Hippies (MDH) who belong to the van/camp. [Ed's Note: MDH being people who believe in natural, at-home births but also cite Michael Jackson as a parental role model. Kid you not. MDH being people who chose to become vegetarians because they don't want to pollute their bodies with nasty chemicals but then proceed to down three cans of Mt. Dew. Excuse me. *Diet* Mt. Dew. MDH being people who are camping in a field, allow their 7-month old to crawl on the ground, share *tobacco* pipes with strangers, but also carry around a gallon jug of hand sanitizer that they insist everyone visiting their camp use every ten minutes so as not to expose their baby to nasty germs. Just thought we should all be on the same page with my definition of MDH].

MDH Male: My name is Sonny [Ed's Note: Sunny?].

MDH Female: Hi, I'm Melody.

Sonny: And you are?

OBG: Hi, I'm April [Ed's Note: Like you all didn't already know that].

Sonny: April, huh? Is that your first name or your middle name?

OBG: Uh... my first name.

Sonny: Oh. What is your middle name?

OBG: Uh, M------ [Ed's Note: Like I'm going to tell you that, dear readers. Ha. Now I sound like Stephen King].

Sonny: M------... April M------. Is that your real name? Like, were you born with it?

OBG: Uh... yeah.

Sonny: Oh.

In-head OBG: What the fuck?

A few minutes later...

Melody: Giving birth at home was the most transcendental experience ever. Like, it takes you to a whole other plane of consciousness.

Sonny: And there were no hospital bills, and we didn't have to sign anything.

Melody: We had to sign that contract with the mid-wife.

Sonny: Right, but we didn't have to pay anything.

Melody: It did cost $3500. But we didn't take any birthing classes.

Sonny: Except for that one we started at the hospital.

Melody: Right, but we quit after they asked, "Who knows what end of the bottle goes in the baby's mouth?"

Sonny: Right, which is a huge insult to anyone with internet.

In-head OBG: What the fuck?

Later...

Sonny: I don't ruin my mind with TV.

Melody: Sometimes you do.

Sonny: Right, well,  I am excited the new NFL season is beginning. I love the Redskins.

Melody: And it's unbelievable how different the game is when watching it on our 37" flat-screen TV.

In-head OBG: Say what now?

Three beers, one tasty burger, one nap and one trip to the porta-potties later...

    

The G-Man: Want another beer?

OBG: Has a clean bathroom with toilet paper magically appeared in the field?

The G-Man: No.

OBG: No thanks then.

Later in the evening...

The G-Man: Want a beer?

OBG: Has a clean bathroom with toilet paper magically appeared in the field?

The G-Man: No.

OBG: No thanks then.

[Ed's Note: You get the idea, right? I don't have to further illustrate for you that no liquids passed my lips at all for the rest of the night after I took that last trip to the porta-potties at 7pm, right? Good.]

Later in the evening, around eleven pm, OBG and the G-Man have wandered down to the stage to hear the headlining, Grateful Dead cover band. OBG, dead sober, is trying to stay warm while avoiding being tackled by the "dancing", not-so sober people around her.

        

In-head OBG: What the fuck am I doing here? I don't even really *like* the Dead. Would it be rude if I went to bed now?

Later in the evening, around one am, after another tasty burger had been consumed and the last band was still performing...
     

OBG: Now what?

The G-Man: I'm kind of tired.

OBG: Me too! I mean, yeah, I'm kind of sleepy.

The G-Man: I'm thinking of going to bed.

OBG: Me too, but I didn't want to be rude. Or sound old.

And it was at this moment when OBG and the G-Man realized that their days of attending musical field festivals were probably numbered. Well, it was actually the following morning when they were sipping their coffee around the propane grill and reminiscing about the previous night's events, like when the high school kids stopped by at one point and were making obscure and unknown drug references that OBG and the G-Man just sort of nodded along with, or like when a beer pong tournament was occurring next door and OBG and the G-Man couldn't be bothered to go over and play, or like when OBG really, really wanted S'Mores but had no desire to intrude on someone else's fire pit [Ed's note: Our "camp" didn't have a fire pit. Our "camp" being the only flat spot under a tree left in the field when we arrived], or like when OBG stopped consuming liquids for twelve hours so she wouldn't have to use the nasty porta-potties or pee in the woods at night [Ed's note: I did use the porta-potties the next morning and was disgusted to see that someone had puked in them. I mean, hello! We were IN A FIELD that was surrounded by woods. What douche-bag pukes in a porta-John instead of IN THE FIELD?]

*Sigh*

Did I mention I have a job now? And furthermore, does anyone know what a "Molly" is?

Previously on OBG... 1.7

(Ed. Note: This should have been posted yesterday and then followed up by Random Shit Tuesday, but since the internet was out all day yesterday, today will be a twofer. Or a BOGO. Whatever you want to call it, you can expect the RST post later on in the day.)

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.

When we last left OBG...

... she had rediscovered the joys of having access to an Xbox 360, survived abuse at the hands (stares) of Cub Scouts, had a brief yet monumental emotional breakdown which may or may not have been brought on by too many job conversations with the G-Man, and had an enjoyable evening bowling.

We now join OBG watching HGTV in the living room on a Friday night with the G-Man.

The G-Man: When's your birthday?
In-Head OBG: Say what now? Did he just ask me when my birthday is? Haven't we gone over this a million times before? I mean, we've known each other for over 9 years now, you would think he would know. I bet I could call up Unfortunate One right now, who I've known just as long, and he'd know when my birthday is. In fact, I bet even Thing Two could at least get the correct month, and I've only really known him for a little over a year. Oh. Maybe he wants to know what the date is. I could understand that. I often forget the date of people's birthdays all the time.
OBG: Do you mean the month or the date?
The G-Man: The month.
In-Head OBG: What the fuck?
OBG: January, why?
The G-Man: Oh. Well, I had a cool idea for a birthday present for you.
In-Head OBG: A birthday present?
OBG: A birthday present?
The G-Man: Yeah, but I guess Christmas will come first.
OBG: It usually does.
In-Head OBG: Damn. I should have said September.

It is now early Saturday morning and since insomnia has poked its ugly head into OBG's sleepy time, OBG has decided, for the first time in... well... ever, to get up and make the morning coffee. 

OBG (to the dog lying in the hallway): Come on, Kylie*, let's go downstairs and make some breakfast.
Kylie (gets up and heads into the G-Man's room): [snort]
OBG: Oh, I see how it is. When it's just the two of us home, we're best friends, but as soon as there's a man in the house, you want nothing to do with me. Typical.

After struggling with trying to figure out how to not only use but also open the fancy-schmancy Cuisinart coffee maker, OBG has successfully made coffee, her breakfast and has also discovered the Boomerang channel. We now join OBG on her way upstairs to inform the G-Man that she made coffee.

OBG (to the dog lying in the hallway): Hey Kylie.
Kylie (gets up and bolts into the G-Man's room): [scoff, snort]
OBG (entering the G-Man's room): Hey, I made coffee. And the dog is acting like a thirteen year middle school girl.

{Flashback to Monday}

The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

{Flashback to Tuesday}

The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

      

{Flashback to Wednesday}

The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

{Flashback to Thursday}

The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

     

{Flashback to Friday}

The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

     

Later in the day on Saturday...

The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me today?
OBG: [heavy sigh] Fine.

   
After having survived the gun show and the bowling later on in the evening, we know join OBG and the G-Man in the living room, drinking coffee, Sunday morning.

The G-Man: I want to do something outside today.

OBG (pretending she's not hungover): That's great. It's beautiful out today.

The G-Man: I want to go walk some trails at the [something-or-another] Park. Want to go?

OBG: As in, hiking?

The G-Man: No, as in walking. Just on some flat trails through the woods.

OBG: Can't I just lay outside and read?

The G-Man: C'mon, it'll be fun.

OBG: Am I going to sweat?

The G-Man: I don't know.

OBG: Fine.

An hour or so later, OBG emerges from the bedroom wearing her cute little green plaid shorts and her cute white top with the embroidered flowers. Just then the G-Man emerges from his room in what can only be described as hiking clothes.

OBG: Uh, those look like serious hiking clothes.

The G-Man: What? Oh, well there's this trail I want to hike, and...

OBG: Hike? I thought this was a leisurely walk through the forest?

The G-Man: Walk. Whatever. Hiking's a relative term.

OBG: Uh, not really. Am I going to want to change?

The G-Man: Yeah, probably.

OBG: Are my boobs going to sweat?

The G-Man: Uh, I guess so.

OBG: Ugh. Fuck this shit.

The G-Man: Did you just say "Fuck this"?

OBG: No?

Next time on OBG...

... Did OBG's boobs sweat? Even though a brewing storm altered their plans, did the G-Man and OBG still go "walking" through the forest? Is "hiking" a relative term? And what's this about a gun show that we keep hearing about? Will OBG ever get her teaching portfolio complete in time for her interview? Will Kylie ever love OBG more than the men of the house? Will OBG ever remember to watch Project Runway this season? 

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. 

* Kylie is the real name of the dog. It didn't seem necessary to give her a pseudonym as it is highly unlikely, as a dog, she will ever be visiting this blog. It is also highly unlikely that any of you reading this might know her in real-life, unless you're Upstairs Mike**, in which case, Kylie belongs to you, and OBG apologizes for comparing your dog to a teenage girl. 

** Not to be confused with Downstairs Mike. Both Mikes reside in the same house as OBG but you will rarely ever hear about them since they are rarely ever home. Apparently they have jobs that require them to fly to far off places like India and Germany and Paris and Austin. Whatever. Oh, and yes, both of their names are Mike, but since it is highly unlikely that they read this blog or that any of you know them, who cares?

Previously on OBG... 1.6

                  

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.*

        

When we last left OBG...

                 

...she had an enjoyable weekend in Alexandria, despite the presence of obnoxious people and hair bugs. She also enjoyed watching horror movies, killing zombies and playing a new video game, which, for the life of her, she can't remember what it was called. Her attempts to create a debate between the pro- and anti-Nicolas Cage camps failed as did her campaign to bring down the tyrannical 1 and !. She also expressed her disgust for all things celebrity and social media related and chose to take a break from reality and traveled to Northern New York for a pseudo-reunion of sorts.

We now join OBG on Saturday evening at "Cobble" where she is hangin' with Twin and some former high school classmates.

Twin: I can't believe my son is three already and my youngest little guy is going to be one in August...
Cess: I miss my gremlins. I wish they could have come with me. Lu is so precocious and Mase is getting so big and Laney is growing up so fast...
A.T.D.: I left the kids at home with Dad. I wear the pants in the family and he's my bitch. He had no choice but to stay home with them while I came out and partied with the girls...
Terra T: Sorry I'm late. I had to wait for the babysitter to show up...
Rye-Dog (pulling photos from back pocket): Did you see the pics of my new baby girl? Isn't she beautiful? Just look at those eyes. Don't they make your heart melt? Yeah, she's at home with the wifey while I'm out for some brews with the guys. I'm probably in the dog house, but...
K.T.: Did you see the blond hair on my little guy? Isn't he so cute? Check out those glasses? He's such a nerdy three year old, but aren't those specs so endearing? Did I tell you about my upcoming nuptials...
Twin: Seriously guys, Benny Bugger is already starting to walk and Owen B'Dowen says the darnedest things. For example, just the other day we were in the kitchen and... 
Cess: Oh my god, you would not believe what Lu said the other day. We were in the car and...
A.T.D.: I can't believe T-Welch couldn't find a babysitter. Actually, I can't believe she couldn't get J-Welch to stay home with the kids. They're his kids too...
Terra T: My mom was so late showing up to watch the kids, but I love that she'll watch them so I can go out...
Rye-Dog: Have you stopped in and seen the wifey and the new baby yet? You really should. Feel free to stop in anytime tomorrow. I won't be there, but she will. No, anytime is good for her, I'm sure...
K.T.: Yeah, I was driving home with the fiance's daughter and I couldn't believe the attitude she had after spending time with her mother, and I told her...
OBG (looking up from her red plastic Solo cup at the circle of people): Damn. Anyone else think these drinks are extremely weak? I mean, is there any liquor in here? All I can taste is soda. What the fuck? 
Twin, A.T.D., Cess, Rye-Dog, K.T., Terra T (Conversations come to an abrupt halt. Blank stares all around).

Next time on OBG...

                        

...will OBG ever have anything in common with her high school classmates again? Did K.T. actually call OBG an alkie? Will OBG ever be able to return home to visit without feeling like the walls are closing in on her? How come the same fuse keeps blowing in OBG's car, and how many times will she have to replace the damn thing before she breaks down and has it looked at? How much longer will OBG's laptop last? Has it really begun to eat her files? If not, where did those missing files run off to? Will it ever stop raining? Will OBG have the energy to drive back down South tomorrow or will she delay her return trip one more day? And how come she never gets to see the people from her hometown that she would really like to see? Will she get the chance to meet up with Pooh, Stormey and/or SMos on her way back through the Hudson Valley and NYC? And furthermore, was there any alcohol in those drinks? I mean, seriously? And how did OBG manage to go to the bar with $50 and leave with $55?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way.

* I freely used my poetic license for this reenactment. The conversations didn't quite go as I have alluded to here, but this account wasn't that far off the mark either.

Previously on OBG... 1.5

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 

the following story is fictional 

and does not depict any actual person or event.

        

When we last left OBG...

                 

...she was aggravated by job searching (what else is new) but was finding some enjoyment in slaughtering zombies and drinking wine. After a scary brush with death via an alleged intruder scare, she dug out her Taser, loaded it with new batteries and now keeps it on her nightstand (you've been warned). OBG also suffered through a particularly rabid episode of PMS, but no one was harmed (too badly), and life as we know it continues to exist.

After spending a nice, relaxing and peaceful Friday evening alone, drinking wine, watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and playing Hexic into the wee hours, we now join OBG on Saturday evening in Bilbo Baggins (again) where she and The G-Man (formerly known as "Gregarious"), are having a couple of beers while they contemplate heading out to watch some unexpected fireworks. They have just received their beers and are about to be seated at the only empty table in the bar...

The G-Man (pointing at the table): Let's grab that table.
OBG: Sure.
Obnoxious Chick who looks like a blonde Mary Alice* (has just walked into the bar with two guys and, upon noticing the empty table, makes a beeline for it, rudely rushing past OBG and The G-Man): Great, an empty table. How convenient. Let's blow past this foolish standing couple with beers in hand so me and my boys men will now be able to rest our fat tired asses as we consume our beverages, which we haven't ordered yet. Because we just walked through the door.**
OBG: What the fuck?
The G-Man: I told you to grab that table.
OBG (shoots angry glare at trio as they sit down).

OBG and The G-Man now find themselves staking out the bar, ready to pounce on some seats that are about to be vacated. They are literally standing behind the soon-to-be empty stools. The people (there are four of them) proceed to pay, get up from their stools, and head towards the exit, momentarily blocking OBG and The G-Man from their now empty stools.

Obnoxious Chick (to one of the two guys with her): Quick. Grab those stools so we can sit at the bar.  
Guy #1 (bolts up from his seat and proceeds to dive onto the stool OBG has her hand on): Oh. (Looks at OBG and The G-Man) Did you want to sit here?
OBG: Uh... yeah. We did.
The G-Man: Why do you think we're standing here?
OBG: Isn't it enough that you totally stole our table?***
Guy #1 (Timidly returning to his table, about four feet away): Oh.

OBG and The G-Man proceed to be seated at the bar, OBG on the left, The G-Man on the right, beers in hand, and return to their conversation. OBG soon feels a tap on her left shoulder.

Obnoxious Chick (pointing at a stool to the right of The G-Man which is presently occupied by the murse of the man seated to the right of the murse's stool): Do you think you can move down a stool so we can have your stool?
OBG (taking a sip from her beer without looking up): No. That stool's takin'.
Obnoxious Chick: Oh.

OBG and The G-Man return to their conversation and beers. OBG suddenly feels a disturbance within her personal space on her left. OBG turns to see what the fuck is going on. Obnoxious Chick, Guy #1 and Guy #2 have succeeded in snagging another stool from another table and Guy #1 is attempting to push the stool into a space half the size of the stool and knocking OBG's stool and her elbow in the process.

OBG (shoots angry glare at trio).
Guy #1 (Showing some fear, to his credit): Can you move over so we can sit?
OBG (Displaying an immense amount of patience, to her credit): No. I can't move over any further. (Proceeds to demonstrate and succeeds in moving her stool far enough over to get her leg stuck between her stool and The G-Man's stool) Fu-uck.
Gregarious (completely oblivious to the going ons to the left of OBG): What are you doing? Here let me move over for you.
In-Head OBG: Gee, thanks. Where were you 30 seconds ago?

Approximately two beers later and numerous snide, sideways stares from the Seat-Stealing trio, OBG and The G-Man have now been joined by SMcG, JMarg, JMarg's parents and brother, and Mr. and Mrs. Jessepeake. SMcG and JMarg are celebrating their recent marriage. Recent as in, it just happened. As in, they literally just walked up from the waterfront where they exchanged their vows with a Justice of the Peace (FYI, but not really relevant: OBG and The G-Man met SMcG through Unfortunate One and have only hung a couple of times together, which is why OBG and The G-Man were not in attendance at the ceremony. In fact, the only people who were in attendance were the ones who just entered the bar). SMcG is currently introducing everyone.

OBG (looks over at The G-Man and notices that he is on his phone. Again.): Are you looking up the fireworks?
The G-Man: What? Oh, no. I'm making arrangements with the guys for hockey next weekend.
OBG: What? Seriously? Is that something you need to do now?
The G-Man: Well I have to start early if I want people to play.
OBG (gestures towards SMcG, who is trying to make introductions): Uh. We're kind of in the middle of something. Isn't that kind of rude?
The G-Man (puts phone away): Oh. Yeah.

Next time on OBG...

...will The G-Man ever learn to keep the phone in his pocket during social situations? Did OBG get to see the fireworks this time? (Editor's Note: She did. Sort of.) How many times did OBG have Marilyn moments while walking over the floor vent at Bilboa Baggins before she learned to hold her skirt down on the way to the bathroom? (Editor's Note: Much to the entertainment of the bar, as the number of beers she consumed increased, her awareness of the vent decreased.) Was OBG's hangover the next day severe enough to keep her from getting out of the house?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. But hopefully it will be more exciting than this episode. One can only dream. 

* By no means am I trying to insult Mary Alice. I happen to really like Mary Alice as well as her style. I was merely trying to give you a picture of the Obnoxious Chick.
** Funny story, the girl sitting at the table next to the Seat-Stealing Trio saw the scene go down and snidely asked to the Obnoxious Chick, "You do know you aren't going to get table service, right? You have to go to the bar to order your drinks." I wanted to hug her after seeing the look of disgust on Obnoxious Girl's face.

*** Obviously he didn't get the PMS memo.

Previously on OBG... 1.4

(the following should be read like... well, however you feel like reading it. You're all adults. Use your imagination.)

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 

the following story is fictional 

and does not depict any actual person or event.
        

When we last left OBG...

         

...she had just moved to Northern Virginia (again) and was trying to adjust to life in an unfamiliar place surrounded by unfamiliar things (again). She was suffering from severe self-doubt about her recent decisions and was feeling totally bummed out. Dude. 

      

We now join OBG on Saturday evening, July 3rd, in Bilboa Baggins, a restaurant/bar in Old Town Alexandria, where she is having dinner with Gregarious, Thing Two, and SarahCC. They were seated at their table ten minutes earlier and have yet to be served. Gregarious and Thing Two have their phones out. Again.

OBG (directed at the table): What are you all getting?

Gregarious (typing away and not looking up from the phone): Huh?
Thing Two (typing away and not looking up from the phone): What?
SarahCC: I haven't decided yet. Every time I think I know what I"m getting, I look at the menu again and change my mind.
OBG: Yeah, me too. The pizza looks really good, but I'm afraid if I don't get something more substantial I'm just going to be hungry in a couple of hours again.
Thing Two (glancing up from phone): Shouldn't we have been served by now? (briefly looks around but soon returns to phone)
Gregarious (looking up from phone): Yeah, at least take our beer order. I want a beer. (briefly looks around but is soon back to the phone)
In-Head OBG: Whoa. I can't believe how rude they're being. I can't believe Thing Two invited SarahCC to join us and is spending the whole time on his phone. I don't even know her. I feel bad for her. Looks like I'm going to have to make conversation with her, which is fine, but I still can't get over the fact that she had to introduce herself to us in the car and now we're left to our own devices on the conversation.
OBG (to SarahCC): So you live in Crystal City, huh? How do you like it?
SarahCC: Well, it's nice, but I really want to move into DC because that's where all my friends live and right now it's a hassle to go out with them because it takes me so much longer on the Metro to get to them. But it's cool. Not like Clarendon, which is totally yuppy.
In-Head OBG: Fuck. That's where Gregarious wants to live. I DO NOT want to live in yuppy-town. This is NOT what I signed up for. Where do all the creative people like me live? I was totally promised Alexandria when I moved down here. This is such a bait-and-switch scam.
Thing Two (briefly looking up from phone): That's where these two want to move too.
In-Head OBG: Say what now? Uh-uh. Oh, this is not going to go well for me. I miss NY.
Gregarious (still thumbing away on the phone): Huh? Oh, yeah, Clarendon. Yeah, it seems like a nice place to live. Either that or the Fairfax/Vienna area. As long as it's still on the Metro line and not too far for me to drive to work if I end up working in Ashburn.
In-Head OBG: Oh, fuck no! I was promised Alexandria or DC. I'm having really, really bad feelings about this. Where is our server? I need a beer, ASAP.

After an adventurous evening spent wandering under the Woodrow Wilson bridge, trying to catch a glimpse of the fireworks that Gregarious assured the rest of the party were occurring (which you will hear about at a later time), and after a repeat of pretty much the same scenario played out above, except at the Columbia Firehouse, we now join OBG on the 4th of July doing something she swore to herself last 4th of July she would never do again- attend a BBQ further south down I-95 in Fredericksburg, VA. She is now on her second beer, sitting with Night Ranger, watching a riveting game of cornhole.

In-Head OBG: I can't believe I'm missing out on fireworks in DC to attend a frickin' pool party with Gregarious' hockey team. This is lame. Where is he any way? I hate the 4th of July. All I care about are the fireworks. That's all the 4th of July is good for. Why did I let Gregarious talk me into this? I should have gone on my own and met Thing Two in DC for fireworks. I don't even know anyone here. Well, except for Night Ranger. And House, but trying to talk to them is weird. Stupid Virginia...

[pop.]

In-Head OBG (looking around): What was that?
OBG (to Night Ranger): What was that?
Night Ranger: Huh? I didn't hear anything.

[pop. pop.] 

In-Head OBG (looking around): There it was again. That sounded like... fireworks.

[pop. pop. pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 

In-Head OBG (bolting out of her chair, frantically looking around): It was. I'd recognize that sound anywhere. It... was...
OBG (shouting at the top of her lungs): FIREWORKS!!!
Night Ranger (visibly startled): What the...
OBG: It's... FIREWORKS!!! (looking around frantically) WHERE ARE THEY? (looks right) WHERE ARE THEY? (looks left) I KNOW I HEARD THEM. FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS! Wait... (tilts head and listens)

[pop. pop. poppity-pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 

OBG: OH MY GOD, FIREWORKS!!! THEY'RE COMING FROM THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! (knocks over old folks and children on a mad pursuit to the front of the house) FIREWORKS!!! (arrives at front of house)

[silence]

In-Head OBG (desperately looking around in confusion): What? Where are they? I know I heard them...

[pop. pop.]

In-Head OBG (jerks head around): There they are again. Where are they coming from?

[pop.  pffffffzzzzzzz.]

OBG: OH MY GOD, FIREWORKS!!! THEY'RE COMING FROM THE BACK OF THE HOUSE! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! (pushes crippled man into pool on the way to the back of the house. steps on fat, old dog's tail)

[yelp]

OBG: GET OUT OF MY WAY, STUPID MUTT, IT'S... FIREWORKS!!!

[pop. pop. poppity-pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 

OBG: FIREWORKS!!! BRIGHT, SPARKLY, COLORFUL... FIREWORKS!!! (arrives at back of house)

[silence]

In-Head OBG (desperately looking around in confusion): What? Where are they? I know I heard them...

[pop. pop. pop. bang.] 

In-Head OBG (jerks head around): There they are again. Where the fuck are they coming from? I must see the fireworks!

[pop. pop. poppity-pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 

OBG (short of breath, foaming at the mouth, leering at the party guests): WHERE... ARE... THEY? I MUST... HAVE... MY... FIREWORKS!!! (runs back and forth across the back yard, over to the side yard, back to the front yard, into the house for a potty break, back to the back yard, up to the front yard where she discovers the party has relocated)
Gregarious (to OBG): Look, The Hosts are going to set off fireworks.
OBG (stops short): What? (looks around in an obvious state of confusion)
Gregarious (pointing at the hosts who are carrying brown paper bags): Look. They have fireworks. They're going to start lighting them off. And they have sparklers too.
OBG (wiping foam from chin): Whowhatnow?
Gregarious (with an exasperated sigh): Fireworks. They. Are. Lighting. Fireworks. See? You'll get to see some after all.
In-Head OBG (looking around at crowd, watching The Hosts light bottle rockets): But...

[high pitched whistle. pop.]

[crowd cheers.]

OBG (shaking head and scoffing): Man, some people get all worked up over some of the littlest things, huh? I just don't get. I'm gonna go get another beer.

Next time on OBG...

... did OBG ever get to see real fireworks? (Editor's note: Uh... no. But she was promised them next year. For real. The promise was sealed with blood. So it has to happen.) Did OBG ever pick up her new glasses? (Editor's Note: She did) Will OBG finally be happy with her new glasses? (Editor's Note: Uh... yeah! They totally rock!) Will OBG ever return to regular blogging? Has OBG lost her creativity for good? How did OBG end up under the Woodrow Wilson bridge? And how are Loki and Mrs. Lovett doing? And what possessed OBG to paint her toenails white? And what in the name of the sanity  of all who know OBG happened to all the Midol/Pamprin products of the world? Is it some sort of conspiracy?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. But hopefully it will be more exciting than this episode. One can only dream.

Editor's Note: No animals, old people, children or cripples were hurt in the making of this episode of OBG. Gregarious, however, got run over by a shopping cart in the middle of a Bloom grocery store. Minor injuries were sustained and lessons were, most likely, still not learned.

PLEASE NOTE: The Blogger commenting snafu appears to be resolved.

Previously on OBG... 1.3

                      

Previously on OBG is on hiatus this week.

Check back next Monday for an all new episode.

In the meantime, enjoy this music video...

Previously on OBG... 1.2

(the following should be read less like Dallas and more like... uh... what's a show where the main character is a loner and spends most of the weekend home, by herself, and then holds conversations with herself inside her head? Yeah, like that.)

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 

the following story is fictional 

and does not depict any actual person or event.*
        

When we last left OBG...

         

...she was recovering from Facebook humiliation and was contemplating quitting blogging for awhile, but then she got an amazing haircut that made the grey skies clear up and she was able to put on happy face once again (see sidebar profile picture for proof) despite being ruthlessly attacked by a wannabe and being extremely discouraged by the lack of job options.

      

We now join OBG in her bedroom, sitting on her futon/bed which she has wisely turned into futon/couch hoping to trick her insomnia into disappearing by making it think she isn't going to bed at night but merely watching TV on the couch, which, in the past, has been a recipe for through-the-night snoozing. We should not blame her for her innocence as her new haircut has made her look (and act?) ten years younger. But I digress. Back to the futon/couch...

In-Head OBG (playing DS, watching Transformers, drinking beer and eating popcorn): Huh. I wonder if I should be concerned that 19-year old Texas Housemate and I are doing the exact same thing on a Friday night? Nah. I bet he's not eating popcorn. And he's probably not playing DS either.

Out-Loud OBG: Fuck!
In-Head OBG: Stupid green Snood. I didn't want you there. Did that red Snood just show me fangs? Oh my God, he did! Snoods are evil. I never knew. I wonder if others know? Should I tell them?
Out-Loud OBG (crunching down on popcorn kernel): Ugh! Fuck! Stupid popcorn.
In-Head OBG: I love popcorn. I'm glad I bought it. I'm glad I bought beer too. I love beer. Yum.
Judy Witwicky (on TV, duh): Were you... masturbating?
Out-Loud OBG: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
In-Head OBG: You're funny, Mrs. Witwicky, funny. And you don't know that Megan Fox is hiding in the closet, which makes this even more funny. I need another beer.

Later...

In-Head OBG: Damn. Megan Fox runs like a man. I wonder if she has that chromosome issue supermodels have? I'm still hungry. I need more popcorn, but I probably shouldn't eat two bags in one day. I should really go to the grocery store. I need another beer.
Out-Loud OBG: No!
In-Head OBG: Ugh. Not the skeletons. I hate Snood. Ugh. I have to beat my high score. I'm totally trying again after I grab another beer.

We now join OBG as she's driving down I-87. It's Saturday night and she is on her way to meet Pooh for dinner...

(Edited for Content)
In-Head OBG: I wonder if... nah. That would just be silly. But what if... no. I'm just being ridiculous. What is wrong with me. Stupid me.
Out-Loud OBG (while being cut off by BMW driver from New Jersey): What the fuck? Asshole!
In-Head OBG: Jerk-off. Why am I daydreaming like this? What is wrong with me? Oh my God! I totally am! I'm a romantic. Holy shit, have I always been one? I guess I have. How come I never realized this? I can't let anyone know. How embarrassing! I'm suppose to be anti-love. A love-hater. I'm doomed. Shit. I'm super early. Google directions suck.

During dinner...

Pooh (rambling on): My new goal is to lose 80 lbs. Now that grad school is over I can work on that...
In-Head OBG: 80 lbs.? That sounds like a lot.
Out-Loud OBG: 80 lbs., Pooh? Really?
Pooh: Yeah. Have you ever seen a picture of what I used to look like? You haven't, huh? Here, look (pulls out license)...
In-Head OBG: I should probably update the picture on my license. I'm not 17 anymore. I bet I don't look anything like my picture on my license anymore.
Pooh: See? This was four years ago. I was 21. I'm 25 now. See how skinny I was?
In-Head OBG: Wow. He was skinny. And really good-looking too. He could have been a model. Is this really Pooh? It's amazing how 80 lbs. can transform a person.
Out-Loud OBG: Wow, Pooh. You had spiky hair.
Pooh: I'm an emotional eater. Some people lose weight when they're stressed out...
In-Head OBG: Ooh. That's me.
Pooh: ...but I gain it because I just eat and eat. Now that we graduated, I'm going to lose weight.
Out-Loud OBG: I lose weight when I'm stressed.
In-Head OBG: Is he going to think I'm bragging? Or shallow? Or insensitive?
Out-Loud OBG: I eat when I'm happy. I used to be almost 40 lbs. heavier. Obviously I haven't been happy in awhile.
In-Head OBG: Whoa. I haven't been happy in awhile. I've been losing weight for five years. Five years! I haven't been happy for five years. I can't believe this. What a revelation. This is big stuff. I'm not sure what to do with this. This has got to be significant on a momentous level. This is not good... wait. What is Pooh talking about? Damn. I need another beer.

Next time on OBG...

... did OBG beat her Snood high score? Will she ever stop eating microwave popcorn? Will OBG crush the romantic in her before she even has a chance to embrace it? What kind of person would tell someone else that there is no place in life for romantic thoughts? Is this the kind of person OBG wants to be around? Will OBG ever change the photo on her license? (Editor's Note: Probably not. That sounds like a lot of work.) Will OBG ever be cured of her insomnia? And what will be the repercussions, if any, of OBG not talking to her father on Father's Day? Does OBG even care? How could OBG forget about Roxette?** And furthermore, how come we don't hear more about Jason Statham? 

 

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. But hopefully it will be more exciting than this episode. One can only dream.

* Except in this episode, where all persons and events were taken from real life. More or less.

** Don't judge. You know you love 'em too.

Previously on OBG... The Pilot

(for those of you a little slow on the uptake, the following should be read with Dallas-esque levels of drama and theatrics) 

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 

the following story is fictional 

and does not depict any actual person or event.*

When we last left OBG... 

...she was wallowing deep in the self-pitying depths of the deadly Swamps of Sadness, discouraged by the lack of job prospects and by life in general. Landlord Dude had just confirmed with OBG that he had, in fact, already rented her room out for July and that she would, in fact, be without a home in less than a month. OBG, dismayed by her future, or lack-thereof, was quickly drinking her way through a case of Magic Hat, suffering from a bout of insomnia, and wondering how, OH DEAR GOD, HOW would she make it to her eye appointment on time?

We now join OBG at her eye appointment, which, with the help of her iHome and the wonders of Google Maps, she made it to on time...

Doctor (scribbling on his notepad): Well, it seems your left eye is weaker than your right...and you seem to be slow to focus...

OBG: Okay...
Doctor (looking up from clipboard): It appears... you have... (dramatic pause)... astigmatism.
OBG (wringing hands): But what does it all mean, doctor?
Doctor: Basically, it means that your eyeballs are football shaped when they should be baseball shaped.
OBG: Oh. But, I don't even like sports. Doctor, (dramatically drapes hand across forehead) is it... curable, doctor?
Doctor: I'm writing you a prescription that should help and give you better than 20/20 vision.
OBG: Oh. But, doctor, what about driving at night? I'm practically BLIND at night. (throws self dramatically across the chair) Whatever can be done?
Doctor: Well, this prescription should help with that.
OBG: Oh.
Doctor (all serious and shit): But I must warn you, you should probably... avoid driving at night.
OBG (gasps): But... I'm...  a night owl! Nooooooo......

After surviving the trauma of the eye doctor and his evil tools of torture that puff air into your unsuspecting eyes, OBG began her weekend adventures with a trip through the evil state that is... New Jersey...

OBG (all sweaty and disheveled from spending five hours stuck in Jersey traffic): DAMN YOU, JERSEY! DAMN YOU! Now I'll never make it to Happy Hour on time!

After her harrowing trip through Jersey and, subsequently, Delaware, the OBG finally arrived at her destination, the dreaded NOVA, where she had plans to attend a wine festival the following day. We now join her at said wine festival...

OBG (dramatically dragging herself across the field towards the crowded ice cream stand): I must... have... ice cream...
The G-Man (heroically picking OBG up off the ground): You can't handle the ice cream! Don't you know?!? It's made with... eggs!
OBG (throwing hand across forehead): {Gasp} No! Not all of it! Soft serve isn't! I'm sure of it! And... (alternates hand dramatically thrown across forehead)... I'm... PMS-ing! And... (alternates hand dramatically thrown across forehead)... it's soooo hot here! We don't have these levels of humidity in New York (dramatically relaxes body and collapses into the G-Man's arms) I... want... ice cream... now...
The G-Man (desperately shaking OBG by the shoulders): Get a hold of yourself, woman! Look at that line! That's a 30 minute wait... at best! And with these temperatures, and with your white, white skin... (shakes head)... well, I can only imagine...
OBG (whimpering): But... but... I want it...
The G-Man: What if we get another bottle of wine?
OBG (dramatically standing): {sigh} Okay. (thinking to self) But I'm on to you. Oh yes, I am. You may have won this time, with your distracting, tempting offer of sweet, sweet wine, but I will get my ice cream. Oh yes, I will.

Next time on OBG...

... will OBG ever get her ice cream? (Editor's Note: OBG never got her ice cream, but she did get two more bottles of wine and pizza.) How did OBG end up in DC at 1905 eating ravioli that she didn't even want? And why were there peas involved? Are they following her? Will OBG ever learn her lesson? Will OBG ever stop wearing white skirts to parties in fields? Will OBG survive her drive back through New Jersey? Will she ever find employment? Will OBG take the G-Man up on his offer and move to NOVA? Or will her Prince Charming finally rescue her from the Swamps of Sadness and whisk her off to Never, Never Land where she will never have to grow up?** And whatever did happen to that earring? And furthermore, did anyone know that Courteney Cox was in Masters of the Universe?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way.

* In other words, I embellished a little. But only a little. Real life is boring and less dramatic. But not much.

** Yeah, I know. I'm mixing fantasies and fictional characters here, but it's my story, dammit, and if I want Prince Charming to take me to Never, Never Land on the wings of Falkor, so be it. Thank you very much.