shhh... it's a secret

Monday, June 7, 2010

Previously on OBG... The Pilot

(for those of you a little slow on the uptake, the following should be read with Dallas-esque levels of drama and theatrics) 


Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.*

When we last left OBG... 


...she was wallowing deep in the self-pitying depths of the deadly Swamps of Sadness, discouraged by the lack of job prospects and by life in general. Landlord Dude had just confirmed with OBG that he had, in fact, already rented her room out for July and that she would, in fact, be without a home in less than a month. OBG, dismayed by her future, or lack-thereof, was quickly drinking her way through a case of Magic Hat, suffering from a bout of insomnia, and wondering how, OH DEAR GOD, HOW would she make it to her eye appointment on time?

We now join OBG at her eye appointment, which, with the help of her iHome and the wonders of Google Maps, she made it to on time...
Doctor (scribbling on his notepad): Well, it seems your left eye is weaker than your right...and you seem to be slow to focus...
OBG: Okay...
Doctor (looking up from clipboard): It appears... you have... (dramatic pause)... astigmatism.
OBG (wringing hands): But what does it all mean, doctor?
Doctor: Basically, it means that your eyeballs are football shaped when they should be baseball shaped.
OBG: Oh. But, I don't even like sports. Doctor, (dramatically drapes hand across forehead) is it... curable, doctor?
Doctor: I'm writing you a prescription that should help and give you better than 20/20 vision.
OBG: Oh. But, doctor, what about driving at night? I'm practically BLIND at night. (throws self dramatically across the chair) Whatever can be done?
Doctor: Well, this prescription should help with that.
OBG: Oh.
Doctor (all serious and shit): But I must warn you, you should probably... avoid driving at night.
OBG (gasps): But... I'm...  a night owl! Nooooooo......
After surviving the trauma of the eye doctor and his evil tools of torture that puff air into your unsuspecting eyes, OBG began her weekend adventures with a trip through the evil state that is... New Jersey...
OBG (all sweaty and disheveled from spending five hours stuck in Jersey traffic): DAMN YOU, JERSEY! DAMN YOU! Now I'll never make it to Happy Hour on time!
After her harrowing trip through Jersey and, subsequently, Delaware, the OBG finally arrived at her destination, the dreaded NOVA, where she had plans to attend a wine festival the following day. We now join her at said wine festival...
OBG (dramatically dragging herself across the field towards the crowded ice cream stand): I must... have... ice cream...
The G-Man (heroically picking OBG up off the ground): You can't handle the ice cream! Don't you know?!? It's made with... eggs!
OBG (throwing hand across forehead): {Gasp} No! Not all of it! Soft serve isn't! I'm sure of it! And... (alternates hand dramatically thrown across forehead)... I'm... PMS-ing! And... (alternates hand dramatically thrown across forehead)... it's soooo hot here! We don't have these levels of humidity in New York (dramatically relaxes body and collapses into the G-Man's arms) I... want... ice cream... now...
The G-Man (desperately shaking OBG by the shoulders): Get a hold of yourself, woman! Look at that line! That's a 30 minute wait... at best! And with these temperatures, and with your white, white skin... (shakes head)... well, I can only imagine...
OBG (whimpering): But... but... I want it...
The G-Man: What if we get another bottle of wine?
OBG (dramatically standing): {sigh} Okay. (thinking to self) But I'm on to you. Oh yes, I am. You may have won this time, with your distracting, tempting offer of sweet, sweet wine, but I will get my ice cream. Oh yes, I will.

Next time on OBG...
... will OBG ever get her ice cream? (Editor's Note: OBG never got her ice cream, but she did get two more bottles of wine and pizza.) How did OBG end up in DC at 1905 eating ravioli that she didn't even want? And why were there peas involved? Are they following her? Will OBG ever learn her lesson? Will OBG ever stop wearing white skirts to parties in fields? Will OBG survive her drive back through New Jersey? Will she ever find employment? Will OBG take the G-Man up on his offer and move to NOVA? Or will her Prince Charming finally rescue her from the Swamps of Sadness and whisk her off to Never, Never Land where she will never have to grow up?** And whatever did happen to that earring? And furthermore, did anyone know that Courteney Cox was in Masters of the Universe?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way.


* In other words, I embellished a little. But only a little. Real life is boring and less dramatic. But not much.
** Yeah, I know. I'm mixing fantasies and fictional characters here, but it's my story, dammit, and if I want Prince Charming to take me to Never, Never Land on the wings of Falkor, so be it. Thank you very much.

9 comments:

erin said...

Although this was a hilarious post, I can't help but yelling "ARTAXXXXXXXXXX" in my head over and over again.

I don't even like horses.

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Erin- I have to admit, I teared-up a little when I watched this clip before including it in the post. And I don't even like horses either.

McGriddle Pants said...

okay first off... ice cream has EGGS in it?!? WTf? I thought it was frozen sugar milk?

And how random! My friends and I were talking about Masters of the Universe on Saturday!! Small world!! :)

Mei said...

Bringing up the sadness of my childhood........
:(

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

:[ that gave me tears. Cant wait for the next chapter

Erin said...

Ok so one of my very few claims to fame is that I partied with the dude that played Atreyu. We were in a limo in Walnut Creek, CA, and went to a gay bar. He's not nearly as much fun to hang with as I'd hoped.

DateMeDC said...

I have a bunch of friends who went to that wine festival! I have been hemorrhaging money lately so I was not among them. But that's funny that you went!

If you're ever in NOVA again, come say hi! And you can totally crash on my couch if you end up homeless.

One Blonde Girl said...

@ McGriddle- Some ice cream has eggs in it. I know, I was dismayed to discover this as well. Was M of the U on TV on Saturday as well as today?

@ Mei- I'm sorry, but it wasn't called the Swamp of Happy Good Times

@ MMH- I promise to not include any sad clips in the next one

@ Erin- How cool... or not, considering how not-so-much fun it was. I used to have a crush on Atreyu, which is kind of weird and confusing considering how much he resembles a girl... but let's move on.

@ DateMeDC- Oh, the odds are VERY good that I will be down in NOVA/DC again, and most likely very soon. I intend on hitting up all my DC blogger buddies for tips, advice and good times!

hiphophippie.com said...

High-larious. And I have that astig-thingy with my eye too. Poop!

Wine festival, mmmm, wine festival. :)

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