shhh... it's a secret

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Step away from the pickle: Cohabitating, OBG style.

So you've chosen to cohabitate, huh?

Cohabitation isn't for everyone. Some people prefer the LAT route. Regardless of your reason for choosing cohabitation, whether it be because you love your honey bunny, lovey wovey soooooo much, or because you're broke and can't afford separate living arrangements, every couple should establish some guidelines prior to making the big jump. Living with another person can be very traumatizing and quite often aggravating.

To help you with the transition, I present:

(These guidelines, while written in a manner that would indicate that they are solely intended for men, are intended to be unisex. History has shown that OBG prefers cohabitating with men, therefore it would be only natural that these guidelines be written for them. However, these guidelines can easily be reworked to target women. So take heed, ladies.) 
Please note, these guidelines will not work for everyone. Please feel free to adjust them to your individual needs. However, if you ever find yourself cohabitating with OBG, you're going to want to know these like the back of your hand.
Let's begin.
Time and Space. All people need personal time and personal space. This rule applies to individuals who have chosen to couple-up as well. Sometimes it's hard to tell when one needs some alone time. Generally speaking, hissing and spitting is a good indication that your sweetie could use some space. If you're trying to have a conversation with your honey and she glares at you, snaps at you, neglects to respond, and/or stabs you with a Bic ballpoint pen, your best course of action is to end all attempts to interact, slowly back away, and try again later. Pushing your love-bug into spending time with you or trying to engage in snuggling at in inopportune moment is a recipe for disaster. In time, if you are patient and observant enough, you will learn to recognize the subtle signs of your schmoozie-whoozie's moods. Until then, it is best to inquire about your sweetie's state of mind prior to making your move.
Love Bunny will CUT A BITCH STAB A DICK! 
In the Kitchen. All people need to eat. As a couple, you will be tempted to eat together. Proceed with caution.  Not everyone likes to eat their meals at the same time of day. You may find that your smoochie-poo tends to eat breakfast at 10:00 am while you eat breakfast at 6:30 am before heading off to work. While a three and a half hour difference doesn't seem like much, there's a pretty good chance your meal schedules are out of sync. Don't allow this to become an issue. If Honey Bunny wants to eat dinner at 9:00 pm and you're hungry at 6:00 pm, go ahead and eat when you're hungry. You and Love-bug can always enjoy your weekend meals together.

Furthermore, as a couple, you'll be tempted to do your grocery shopping together. Don't do it. People tend to have specific strategies they employ when tackling the chore of grocery shopping. Chances are you and Snuggle-Bear will have different strategies. Attempting to shop together will only aggravate one or both of you. Try to do your grocery shopping separate and at times that are convenient to each of you. If, as a couple, you decide that Sugar-plum will be responsible for the acquisition of food, make a point of creating a grocery list together. Chances are you'll be craving some Chunky Monkey, but unless you tell Baby-Cakes, she won't pick it up for you. It is inevitable that you will be unaware of your burning love for pickles until your googleybear puts it on the list. DO NOT make the assumption that she will be willing to share her tangy dills with you. Favorite foods are exempt from sharing. If you must have pickles, ask Love-bug to pick up two jars. The same rule applies to chocolate. Honey will not want to share her chocolate with you. On the other hand, your chocolate is fair game. This may sound like a double-standard, but it is not. Keeping your sweetie stocked with chocolate will make life happier for everyone.
This shit only happens on first dates. And in the movies. 
In the Bedroom. Do not assume that the bedroom will be a happy, romantic love-nest others tell you it will be. As a couple, sharing a bedroom presents its own problems. You and your sweetums are likely to have different ideas as to what is acceptable to do in the bedroom (for further reading, see Sex). Honey-Bun may believe that it is entirely appropriate to do any of the following while in bed; eat, drink, sleep, read, draw, paint, talk on the phone, check her email, clip her toenails, paint her toenails, and watch movies. On the other hand, you may believe that while in bed, it is appropriate to only do the following; watch TV, sleep, fart, and get-it-on. As you can imagine, these differences may become a source of contention for you and Snookums. It is inevitable that you will need to make some compromises in this situation. Pooky might be willing to give up snacking on Triscuits while in bed and giving herself pedicures in your love-nest if you refrain from insisting she "catch a whiff" (for further reading, see The Bathroom and Other Bodily Functions).

It is highly unlikely that you and your squiggle-button will have the same bedtime. You might have the ability to fall asleep seconds after your head hits the pillow while your schmoopy is an insomniac who tosses and turns until 4:00 am. Do not expect that you and Love-Bug will be peacefully spooning in bed every night at 9:00 pm. This is unrealistic. Unfortunately, depending on how out of sync your sleep schedules are, separate sleeping arrangements may be necessary. Furthermore, if you must wake up early, do so with the least amount of disturbance to your sleeping angel-face. Go about your morning routine as quickly, as quietly, and with as little light as possible.
With an innocent flick of the switch, sleeping Angel Face instantly transforms into Vampire Bitch. "WHO TURNED THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON?" 
(Source) and (Source)
Entertainment. You may be under the impression that you and Love Muffin have the same tastes in music, movies, hobbies, sports and TV shows. This is not true. Chances are both you and your honey bunny stretched the truth on your preferences. Don't hate on each other. This deception can be blamed on pheromones. During your first days of dating, you and Googleybear wanted to have as much in common with each other as possible, with the end result being that you both would think that you were made for each other. Over time, however, you will discover that your tastes differ drastically. You may feel compelled to mock Love-Bug's love of indie punk rock. Try to refrain yourself. Hurting your honey's feelings, while initially entertaining, will inevitably end badly for you. iPods and earbuds were invented to maintain peace in relationships. Make sure you both use them when in the presence of each other. If anything, they will prevent Snuggle-Bear from using a machete to hack your $1500 speakers to pieces after being forced to listen to your entire collection of Jack Johnson albums.

When it comes to the "good" TV, the rule of first come, first served applies. Do not attempt to interrupt Pookums' ANTM marathon to play Xbox, regardless of how lame you think Tyra Banks is. When these situations arise, you have two options, one, go watch TV in another room, or two, enjoy the rare opportunity to watch young, hot, scantily clad models parade across your HDTV. When choosing movies to see as a couple, it is important to work out an arrangement acceptable to both of you. If you insist that Cuddle Buddle Biddle Bear has to watch Avatar, don't complain when she wants you to see 500 Days of Summer. If you can not agree on a suitable arrangement, it may be necessary to find movie buddies outside of your coupledom. 
 Having never established the First Come, First Served rule, Love Muffin
would do whatever it took to get her Kardashian fix.
Decor. Your style will never be as sophisticated as Love-Bug's. All of your good taste was used up when you chose Love-Bug as your Honey Bunny Pumpkin Face. Let her do all the decorating and be sure to thank her for it. After all, she knows that the reason your bed feels like a comfy, cozy, silky cloud has everything to do with goose down and thread count. You don't even know what a thread count is.
He thought the cardboard box printed bedding was ironic.
Honey Bunny showed him the real meaning of irony. 
Sex. Sex, in any relationship, is extremely important. It is very crucial to establish a compatible sexual routine. It is imperative that you and Sweet Peach Jelly Bean discuss both of your sexual expectations prior to cohabiting. DO NOT assume that your sexual history with Snooki Wooki Huggy Bear is any indication of what your sex life will be like during cohabitation. Prior to cohabitation your sex life was most likely based on raging pheromones, alcohol, and opportunity. Once you start sharing your bed, you may discover that you enjoy wake-up sex while your snuggle-bear, the insomniac, likes to get-it-on in the evening, or mid-day, or late-morning, but not early morning. This is something you will need to work out with each other. Regardless of time of day, it is good to know that sexual relations should never occur while Sugar Lips is feeling fat and bloated as a result of a large meal, PMS, or constipation. These are not things you can inquire about. If your honey fails to respond to your advances, it is safe to assume that she is experiencing one of the above.

You may also discover that you prefer to engage in coitus while in bed. This can be a problem if you and Kittentits have different sleep schedules. You may also discover that Honey believes the bed is no place for coitus and would instead prefer to engage in sexual activities in the living room or on the stairs or in the car or in the kitchen, on the counter top smeared with chili grease that causes a week-long ass rash. Do not, under any circumstances, judge each other. You will need to work out any sexual differences you have in order to ensure the success of your cohabitation. This will require that you be open to new ideas, suggestions, and positions. Experimentation is key. Remember science class? You conducted experiments in science class so you could learn. Same idea here.
Kittentits is feeling fat and will have none of that
The Bathroom and Other Bodily Functions. It is very important to preserve the magic while involved in a cohabitating relationship. The easiest way to do this is to establish some bathroom and bodily functions guidelines. When using the bathroom, the door should remain closed. At all times. There are no exceptions. Bathroom time is private time. And if one finds it necessary to engage in certain solo activities while in the bathroom, or in any other room, one should ensure that the door(s) is(are) locked prior to engagement. Furthermore, one should not expect shower sex to become a regular occurrence while cohabitating. You may think that it would be a good idea to sneak into the bathroom while Lady Love is rinsing and repeating, but this is not the case. Despite what you see in pornos, movies, and music videos, shower sex is rarely sexy.

There is a time and place for bodily functions. In the vicinity of your honey is neither the time nor the place. This is very important. If you must fart, belch and/or pick you nose, you should do so while alone. Or while with your best buds. You do not have sexual relations with your buddies. If you want to continue having sexual relations with Fuzzy Bubble Funny Bunny do not behave in her presence the way you would with your buds.
I am not your bro, yo, I'm your ho, and these legs will not part if ye farts 
Chores. Most grown adults will find ways to pay other people to do their chores for them. This is because chores are boring. If you and Love Monkey Honeypie Sugar Britches are sans kids and do not have the resources to hire a maid, you will find it advantageous to share the responsibility of chores. It would be unwise to use your employment as an excuse to evade chores. The upkeep of your home should not be the sole responsibility of one person in the relationship. You and Honeybunches Buttercup Cookie Duck agreed to cohabitate together. You agreed to share your living quarters with each other. Therefore, you should expect to share the responsibility of the upkeep of said living quarters. This is non-negotiable.
 Sugar Britches was feeling resentful, so she devised a scheme that would ensure 
she'd never have to mow the lawn again, and maybe get a new vacuum cleaner too. 

And there you have it. I hope this guide has been informative and will help to make your transition into cohabitation less painful. 

With any luck, you and Snuggle Bug will have a very long and happy cohabitating relationship together.
Good luck.


Krista said...

Okay, I haven't had the chance to read this whole thing yet, just the photo captions. But what I've read so far, is hilarious! Can't wait for nap time so I can read the whole thing!

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Krista- I know, right? I cracked myself up writing it. Hope you enjoy (you might want to avoid the Sex section. Just saying). Oh, and the Mtn. post was suppose to be today, but I pushed it back till tomorrow 'cuz this one just had to be posted today.

cbs111 said...

Kittentits is my favorite. I shall call everyone that now!

Thanks for the guide, it's so true.

One Blonde Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Midwestern Mama Holly said...

You need to make this into a book! It would save many people from getting stabbed in their sleep.

Krista said...

Yup, I was right. Funny stuff.

Showers were meant to be taken alone! Especially if one has kids. This is probably the only quiet, downtime she is going to get during the day. It's a moment to think peacefully, not to have to worry about warding off uninvited advances!

May I also suggest a little shower schedule etiquette? As in, the first one to rise in the morning has first dibs? (Especially if she has risen early to give the kiddies breakfast and get them dressed. There is nothing more irritating to finally have a chance to get in the shower only to find that Daddio has gotten out of bed at 10:00 and immediately jumped in the shower!).

The exception to this rule is when someone has an appointment or schedule to keep. Then jumping ahead can be appropriate, although maybe they should have considered rising earlier....

Just a thought.

One Blonde Girl said...

@ MMH- Great suggestion! I'm full of all sorts of good advice on this topic.

@ Krista- Yup. Told you so. And I love your shower schedule etiquette suggestion.

WhisperingWriter said...

I love this!

I don't do the bathroom thing though. My husband and I piss with the door open. We should probably stop that :/ We're like animals.

At least we close the door for number 2.

LiLu said...

Bahahaha!!! If only B and I had had this two years ago ;-)

Shelley Weber said...

I have to say, while we don't follow some of these things (i.e. showering and bathroom stuff, eating together, etc... i wont get into detail) I'm totally with you on the sleeping thing... im a late night person, sometimes non sleeper type, and he is an early to bed early to rise, asleep-when-head-hits-the-pillow person... not compatible there... in fact I am pretty sure I have looked just like that vampire lady on certain mornings when accidentally woken up... seeing as kyle rises at 5:30... it is better now that we have separated rooms in our house, with doors!

itsallabitrandom said...

This is probably the funniest and truest shit I've read about relationships in a LONG time. You should wrap this up and ship it to Dr. Phil; there is no need for his show to continue with this out here

One Blonde Girl said...

@ WhisperingWriter- Thanks! Funny, I have no problem peeing with three girlfriends in the room, but a man? Um... no thanks. However when outdoors, I will pop a squat regardless of who's around. Men, women, helpless little babies...

@ LiLu- Sorry for the delay. When you make millions as the first MTVTJ (ahem) and buy a huge mansion, you can use this guide then (and just remember who you heard it from. I like sparkly things)

@ Shelley- I hear ya. The sleeping thing is what I dread the most.

@ itsllabitrandom- Right? Step aside, Dr. Phil!

McGriddle Pants said...

KittenTits... HAHAHAAA!

Love this whole blog baby!! :) True on all accounts!

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