shhh... it's a secret

Monday, June 21, 2010

Previously on OBG... 1.2

(the following should be read less like Dallas and more like... uh... what's a show where the main character is a loner and spends most of the weekend home, by herself, and then holds conversations with herself inside her head? Yeah, like that.)

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.*
When we last left OBG...
...she was recovering from Facebook humiliation and was contemplating quitting blogging for awhile, but then she got an amazing haircut that made the grey skies clear up and she was able to put on happy face once again (see sidebar profile picture for proof) despite being ruthlessly attacked by a wannabe and being extremely discouraged by the lack of job options.
We now join OBG in her bedroom, sitting on her futon/bed which she has wisely turned into futon/couch hoping to trick her insomnia into disappearing by making it think she isn't going to bed at night but merely watching TV on the couch, which, in the past, has been a recipe for through-the-night snoozing. We should not blame her for her innocence as her new haircut has made her look (and act?) ten years younger. But I digress. Back to the futon/couch...
In-Head OBG (playing DS, watching Transformers, drinking beer and eating popcorn): Huh. I wonder if I should be concerned that 19-year old Texas Housemate and I are doing the exact same thing on a Friday night? Nah. I bet he's not eating popcorn. And he's probably not playing DS either.
Out-Loud OBG: Fuck!
In-Head OBG: Stupid green Snood. I didn't want you there. Did that red Snood just show me fangs? Oh my God, he did! Snoods are evil. I never knew. I wonder if others know? Should I tell them?
Out-Loud OBG (crunching down on popcorn kernel): Ugh! Fuck! Stupid popcorn.
In-Head OBG: I love popcorn. I'm glad I bought it. I'm glad I bought beer too. I love beer. Yum.
Judy Witwicky (on TV, duh): Were you... masturbating?
Out-Loud OBG: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
In-Head OBG: You're funny, Mrs. Witwicky, funny. And you don't know that Megan Fox is hiding in the closet, which makes this even more funny. I need another beer.
In-Head OBG: Damn. Megan Fox runs like a man. I wonder if she has that chromosome issue supermodels have? I'm still hungry. I need more popcorn, but I probably shouldn't eat two bags in one day. I should really go to the grocery store. I need another beer.
Out-Loud OBG: No!
In-Head OBG: Ugh. Not the skeletons. I hate Snood. Ugh. I have to beat my high score. I'm totally trying again after I grab another beer.
We now join OBG as she's driving down I-87. It's Saturday night and she is on her way to meet Pooh for dinner...
(Edited for Content)
In-Head OBG: I wonder if... nah. That would just be silly. But what if... no. I'm just being ridiculous. What is wrong with me. Stupid me.
Out-Loud OBG (while being cut off by BMW driver from New Jersey): What the fuck? Asshole!
In-Head OBG: Jerk-off. Why am I daydreaming like this? What is wrong with me? Oh my God! I totally am! I'm a romantic. Holy shit, have I always been one? I guess I have. How come I never realized this? I can't let anyone know. How embarrassing! I'm suppose to be anti-love. A love-hater. I'm doomed. Shit. I'm super early. Google directions suck.
During dinner...
Pooh (rambling on): My new goal is to lose 80 lbs. Now that grad school is over I can work on that...
In-Head OBG: 80 lbs.? That sounds like a lot.
Out-Loud OBG: 80 lbs., Pooh? Really?
Pooh: Yeah. Have you ever seen a picture of what I used to look like? You haven't, huh? Here, look (pulls out license)...
In-Head OBG: I should probably update the picture on my license. I'm not 17 anymore. I bet I don't look anything like my picture on my license anymore.
Pooh: See? This was four years ago. I was 21. I'm 25 now. See how skinny I was?
In-Head OBG: Wow. He was skinny. And really good-looking too. He could have been a model. Is this really Pooh? It's amazing how 80 lbs. can transform a person.
Out-Loud OBG: Wow, Pooh. You had spiky hair.
Pooh: I'm an emotional eater. Some people lose weight when they're stressed out...
In-Head OBG: Ooh. That's me.
Pooh: ...but I gain it because I just eat and eat. Now that we graduated, I'm going to lose weight.
Out-Loud OBG: I lose weight when I'm stressed.
In-Head OBG: Is he going to think I'm bragging? Or shallow? Or insensitive?
Out-Loud OBG: I eat when I'm happy. I used to be almost 40 lbs. heavier. Obviously I haven't been happy in awhile.
In-Head OBG: Whoa. I haven't been happy in awhile. I've been losing weight for five years. Five years! I haven't been happy for five years. I can't believe this. What a revelation. This is big stuff. I'm not sure what to do with this. This has got to be significant on a momentous level. This is not good... wait. What is Pooh talking about? Damn. I need another beer.

Next time on OBG...
... did OBG beat her Snood high score? Will she ever stop eating microwave popcorn? Will OBG crush the romantic in her before she even has a chance to embrace it? What kind of person would tell someone else that there is no place in life for romantic thoughts? Is this the kind of person OBG wants to be around? Will OBG ever change the photo on her license? (Editor's Note: Probably not. That sounds like a lot of work.) Will OBG ever be cured of her insomnia? And what will be the repercussions, if any, of OBG not talking to her father on Father's Day? Does OBG even care? How could OBG forget about Roxette?** And furthermore, how come we don't hear more about Jason Statham


Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. But hopefully it will be more exciting than this episode. One can only dream.

* Except in this episode, where all persons and events were taken from real life. More or less.
** Don't judge. You know you love 'em too.


Ally said...

i can relate to pooh on the emotional eating. it sucks. funny how you're losing weight but say you're not happy. um, that would make me very happy although you probably can't afford to lose 40 lbs :( and i didn't mean that in an obnoxious way, i hope you find happiness soon!! i can relate to that as well.

also funny you were cut off by a nj driver. i live in nj but i'm from long island and my family always comments on the insane driving out here. nobody let's you in, getting on a highway, people will run you off the road before they allow you to merge. it's seriously insane. i hate driving since i moved here :( sorry for the tangent.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I eat when Im happy. I eat when Im sad. ... put a chocolate cake under my nose and I would come out of a coma.

McGriddle Pants said...

I eat when I'm happy.
When I'm sad.
When I'm stressed.
When I'm bored.

You name it!

Hence my 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 years :(

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Ally- I drive through NJ frequently, and it sucks ass, but there's nothing worse than having a NJ driver bringing their crazy highway antics into a different state. Well, maybe the Quebecians (or Quebecers, but I prefer my word) are worse, but I don't encounter many of them anymore now that I'm in Southern NY.

@ MMH- Mmmmm... chocolate cake (I miss cake and cookies and brownies and ice cream and breakfast... Stupid egg allergy)

@ McGriddle- I'm sorry. And I'm curious, do you like the McGriddle? I've been meaning to ask.

Didactic Pirate said...

If In-head Me knew In-Head You, In-Head Me would be standing outside your bedroom window holding up a boom box and playing Peter Gabriel right now. said...

Ho Lee Shit, this made me laugh so hard!! And I had craptastic day, so thank you!

Cheers to beer and popcorn too--an essential food group.

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Didactic- YES! That would be awesome. Like, seriously and totally rad.

@ hiphophippie- Phew. You are welcome. And here I thought that was the most boring post I have ever written.

Anonymous said...

You need to sit on the futon and put on the History's like they pump ether through your speakers.

WhisperingWriter said...

I eat when I'm happy too.

Or, you know, whenever....

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Mrs. P.- Ooh, good advice. I need to try that.

@ WW- I ate Pringles tonight and it reminded me of a pic I saw where you had massive amounts of Pringles on top of your fridge. Or something like that. Thought I would share.

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