shhh... it's a secret

Saturday, June 12, 2010

For My Sisters

Please forgive me today as I have a family moment. This post is dedicated to my sisters.

To My Dear Sisters:
Fifteen years ago today you saved me. I know we have never spoken of it since, and I regret that every day, but you helped me, and for that, I thank you. I know that you must have been braver, stronger, and more courageous than I ever could have been. And you must have been more scared than I could ever imagine. I know my 15-year old self never thanked you, and I know that my 15-year old self never apologized, and that breaks my heart. But today, I am. Today I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I want to apologize from the deepest depths of my soul.

I know throughout our lives, our relationships with each other have had some serious ups and downs. Our lives have not been the easiest ones to live, and we should have been there for each other, no matter what. But instead, a great number of times, we took our anger, our sadness, our frustrations, and our loneliness out on each other. But we were only children, after all, and sisters or not, we were scared.

I know it’s been a long process to mend our relationships, and I know we may never have the kind of relationships our friends and cousins have with their sisters, but I hope, despite all we have been through, we will always be there to support each other.

I know I am very often absent in your lives, and I’m sorry. It is not because I don’t love you or I don’t care about you, but because I am sometimes still that scared and lonely 15-year old, afraid of letting everyone down, afraid of doing the wrong thing, and instead, choosing to push you all further and further away. There are days, weeks, months when I still struggle with happiness. There are times when I still fight against the deep sadness that consumes me. But it is the thought that I can someday repay you, that I can someday help you that keeps me going.

Miss P, Twin, Sea Glass and Cutie, thank you again for being there for me when I needed you the most. The past fifteen years have been rough for me, and I have struggled through a lot. I wish I had had the courage to let you all in, but I was still learning to love myself and live with myself. And as difficult as the past fifteen years may have been, I can’t imagine not having them and all the wonderful things that have happened. I am so grateful to be a part of your lives. I promise to do better, and I promise to be there for you whenever you need me. I love and miss you all.


And because I think we need to lighten the mood a little, kind of, well, maybe not, but let's enjoy some music together any way.

And because I long ago lost the mix tape, but I still think of you and cry a little whenever I hear this song:

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was beautiful.

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