World peace can be obtained by curing PMS. I'm a genius.

  

You know, that way men won't have to keep coming up with excuses to get out of the house during that time of month.

"Sorry, honey. I would love to sit here and listen to you berate and belittle me, but in case you didn't notice, there's a war going on. I'm fighting for your freedom, after all. Well, not yours, because you're a woman and technically speaking, you belong to me... What...? Why...? What are you doing? Put down that red-hot fire poker. Okay, okay, I'm leaving. I'll see you in 18 months. Unless I die (oh, please, dear god, let me die). Love you!"

Well, the world is safe once again. I was able to find some PMS meds yesterday. Granted, it required going out to a Target in, well, I'm not really sure where I was. I do know that I've never been in a sketchier Target before though. It was like I was in Walmart or something. Either they (this particular Target) are closing up shop or they're doing a huge remodel, whatever, but the place was a wreck. Oh, and everything was on clearance. 

At any rate, I found my drugs. People need not die now. Feel free to send Target a letter of appreciation for saving your lives.

On a very similar note, and really, the whole point of this post, have you ever really read the boxes these happy, pretty pills come in? Well, I did. Luckily for you, you don't need to. I took the liberty of highlighting some items of note. You're welcome.

Hope you're all doing your best to beat the heat! I'm off to do some more job searching. *sigh*

Step away from the pickle: Cohabitating, OBG style.

                 

So you've chosen to cohabitate, huh?

Cohabitation isn't for everyone. Some people prefer the LAT route. Regardless of your reason for choosing cohabitation, whether it be because you love your honey bunny, lovey wovey soooooo much, or because you're broke and can't afford separate living arrangements, every couple should establish some guidelines prior to making the big jump. Living with another person can be very traumatizing and quite often aggravating.

To help you with the transition, I present:

A GUIDE TO COHABITATION: OBG STYLE

(These guidelines, while written in a manner that would indicate that they are solely intended for men, are intended to be unisex. History has shown that OBG prefers cohabitating with men, therefore it would be only natural that these guidelines be written for them. However, these guidelines can easily be reworked to target women. So take heed, ladies.) 

Please note, these guidelines will not work for everyone. Please feel free to adjust them to your individual needs. However, if you ever find yourself cohabitating with OBG, you're going to want to know these like the back of your hand.

Let's begin.

Time and Space. All people need personal time and personal space. This rule applies to individuals who have chosen to couple-up as well. Sometimes it's hard to tell when one needs some alone time. Generally speaking, hissing and spitting is a good indication that your sweetie could use some space. If you're trying to have a conversation with your honey and she glares at you, snaps at you, neglects to respond, and/or stabs you with a Bic ballpoint pen, your best course of action is to end all attempts to interact, slowly back away, and try again later. Pushing your love-bug into spending time with you or trying to engage in snuggling at in inopportune moment is a recipe for disaster. In time, if you are patient and observant enough, you will learn to recognize the subtle signs of your schmoozie-whoozie's moods. Until then, it is best to inquire about your sweetie's state of mind prior to making your move.

Love Bunny will CUT A BITCH STAB A DICK! 
(Source) 
     

In the Kitchen. All people need to eat. As a couple, you will be tempted to eat together. Proceed with caution.  Not everyone likes to eat their meals at the same time of day. You may find that your smoochie-poo tends to eat breakfast at 10:00 am while you eat breakfast at 6:30 am before heading off to work. While a three and a half hour difference doesn't seem like much, there's a pretty good chance your meal schedules are out of sync. Don't allow this to become an issue. If Honey Bunny wants to eat dinner at 9:00 pm and you're hungry at 6:00 pm, go ahead and eat when you're hungry. You and Love-bug can always enjoy your weekend meals together.

Furthermore, as a couple, you'll be tempted to do your grocery shopping together. Don't do it. People tend to have specific strategies they employ when tackling the chore of grocery shopping. Chances are you and Snuggle-Bear will have different strategies. Attempting to shop together will only aggravate one or both of you. Try to do your grocery shopping separate and at times that are convenient to each of you. If, as a couple, you decide that Sugar-plum will be responsible for the acquisition of food, make a point of creating a grocery list together. Chances are you'll be craving some Chunky Monkey, but unless you tell Baby-Cakes, she won't pick it up for you. It is inevitable that you will be unaware of your burning love for pickles until your googleybear puts it on the list. DO NOT make the assumption that she will be willing to share her tangy dills with you. Favorite foods are exempt from sharing. If you must have pickles, ask Love-bug to pick up two jars. The same rule applies to chocolate. Honey will not want to share her chocolate with you. On the other hand, your chocolate is fair game. This may sound like a double-standard, but it is not. Keeping your sweetie stocked with chocolate will make life happier for everyone.

This shit only happens on first dates. And in the movies. 
(Source)
   

In the Bedroom. Do not assume that the bedroom will be a happy, romantic love-nest others tell you it will be. As a couple, sharing a bedroom presents its own problems. You and your sweetums are likely to have different ideas as to what is acceptable to do in the bedroom (for further reading, see Sex). Honey-Bun may believe that it is entirely appropriate to do any of the following while in bed; eat, drink, sleep, read, draw, paint, talk on the phone, check her email, clip her toenails, paint her toenails, and watch movies. On the other hand, you may believe that while in bed, it is appropriate to only do the following; watch TV, sleep, fart, and get-it-on. As you can imagine, these differences may become a source of contention for you and Snookums. It is inevitable that you will need to make some compromises in this situation. Pooky might be willing to give up snacking on Triscuits while in bed and giving herself pedicures in your love-nest if you refrain from insisting she "catch a whiff" (for further reading, see The Bathroom and Other Bodily Functions).

It is highly unlikely that you and your squiggle-button will have the same bedtime. You might have the ability to fall asleep seconds after your head hits the pillow while your schmoopy is an insomniac who tosses and turns until 4:00 am. Do not expect that you and Love-Bug will be peacefully spooning in bed every night at 9:00 pm. This is unrealistic. Unfortunately, depending on how out of sync your sleep schedules are, separate sleeping arrangements may be necessary. Furthermore, if you must wake up early, do so with the least amount of disturbance to your sleeping angel-face. Go about your morning routine as quickly, as quietly, and with as little light as possible.

With an innocent flick of the switch, sleeping Angel Face instantly transforms into Vampire Bitch. "WHO TURNED THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON?" 

(Source) and (Source)

   

Entertainment. You may be under the impression that you and Love Muffin have the same tastes in music, movies, hobbies, sports and TV shows. This is not true. Chances are both you and your honey bunny stretched the truth on your preferences. Don't hate on each other. This deception can be blamed on pheromones. During your first days of dating, you and Googleybear wanted to have as much in common with each other as possible, with the end result being that you both would think that you were made for each other. Over time, however, you will discover that your tastes differ drastically. You may feel compelled to mock Love-Bug's love of indie punk rock. Try to refrain yourself. Hurting your honey's feelings, while initially entertaining, will inevitably end badly for you. iPods and earbuds were invented to maintain peace in relationships. Make sure you both use them when in the presence of each other. If anything, they will prevent Snuggle-Bear from using a machete to hack your $1500 speakers to pieces after being forced to listen to your entire collection of Jack Johnson albums.

When it comes to the "good" TV, the rule of first come, first served applies. Do not attempt to interrupt Pookums' ANTM marathon to play Xbox, regardless of how lame you think Tyra Banks is. When these situations arise, you have two options, one, go watch TV in another room, or two, enjoy the rare opportunity to watch young, hot, scantily clad models parade across your HDTV. When choosing movies to see as a couple, it is important to work out an arrangement acceptable to both of you. If you insist that Cuddle Buddle Biddle Bear has to watch Avatar, don't complain when she wants you to see 500 Days of Summer. If you can not agree on a suitable arrangement, it may be necessary to find movie buddies outside of your coupledom. 

 Having never established the First Come, First Served rule, Love Muffin

would do whatever it took to get her Kardashian fix.

   

Decor. Your style will never be as sophisticated as Love-Bug's. All of your good taste was used up when you chose Love-Bug as your Honey Bunny Pumpkin Face. Let her do all the decorating and be sure to thank her for it. After all, she knows that the reason your bed feels like a comfy, cozy, silky cloud has everything to do with goose down and thread count. You don't even know what a thread count is.

He thought the cardboard box printed bedding was ironic.

Honey Bunny showed him the real meaning of irony. 

(Source)

    

Sex. Sex, in any relationship, is extremely important. It is very crucial to establish a compatible sexual routine. It is imperative that you and Sweet Peach Jelly Bean discuss both of your sexual expectations prior to cohabiting. DO NOT assume that your sexual history with Snooki Wooki Huggy Bear is any indication of what your sex life will be like during cohabitation. Prior to cohabitation your sex life was most likely based on raging pheromones, alcohol, and opportunity. Once you start sharing your bed, you may discover that you enjoy wake-up sex while your snuggle-bear, the insomniac, likes to get-it-on in the evening, or mid-day, or late-morning, but not early morning. This is something you will need to work out with each other. Regardless of time of day, it is good to know that sexual relations should never occur while Sugar Lips is feeling fat and bloated as a result of a large meal, PMS, or constipation. These are not things you can inquire about. If your honey fails to respond to your advances, it is safe to assume that she is experiencing one of the above.

You may also discover that you prefer to engage in coitus while in bed. This can be a problem if you and Kittentits have different sleep schedules. You may also discover that Honey believes the bed is no place for coitus and would instead prefer to engage in sexual activities in the living room or on the stairs or in the car or in the kitchen, on the counter top smeared with chili grease that causes a week-long ass rash. Do not, under any circumstances, judge each other. You will need to work out any sexual differences you have in order to ensure the success of your cohabitation. This will require that you be open to new ideas, suggestions, and positions. Experimentation is key. Remember science class? You conducted experiments in science class so you could learn. Same idea here.

Kittentits is feeling fat and will have none of that. 

(Source)

    

The Bathroom and Other Bodily Functions. It is very important to preserve the magic while involved in a cohabitating relationship. The easiest way to do this is to establish some bathroom and bodily functions guidelines. When using the bathroom, the door should remain closed. At all times. There are no exceptions. Bathroom time is private time. And if one finds it necessary to engage in certain solo activities while in the bathroom, or in any other room, one should ensure that the door(s) is(are) locked prior to engagement. Furthermore, one should not expect shower sex to become a regular occurrence while cohabitating. You may think that it would be a good idea to sneak into the bathroom while Lady Love is rinsing and repeating, but this is not the case. Despite what you see in pornos, movies, and music videos, shower sex is rarely sexy.

There is a time and place for bodily functions. In the vicinity of your honey is neither the time nor the place. This is very important. If you must fart, belch and/or pick you nose, you should do so while alone. Or while with your best buds. You do not have sexual relations with your buddies. If you want to continue having sexual relations with Fuzzy Bubble Funny Bunny do not behave in her presence the way you would with your buds.

I am not your bro, yo, I'm your ho, and these legs will not part if ye farts 
(Source)
      

Chores. Most grown adults will find ways to pay other people to do their chores for them. This is because chores are boring. If you and Love Monkey Honeypie Sugar Britches are sans kids and do not have the resources to hire a maid, you will find it advantageous to share the responsibility of chores. It would be unwise to use your employment as an excuse to evade chores. The upkeep of your home should not be the sole responsibility of one person in the relationship. You and Honeybunches Buttercup Cookie Duck agreed to cohabitate together. You agreed to share your living quarters with each other. Therefore, you should expect to share the responsibility of the upkeep of said living quarters. This is non-negotiable.

 Sugar Britches was feeling resentful, so she devised a scheme that would ensure 

she'd never have to mow the lawn again, and maybe get a new vacuum cleaner too. 

(Source)

And there you have it. I hope this guide has been informative and will help to make your transition into cohabitation less painful. 

With any luck, you and Snuggle Bug will have a very long and happy cohabitating relationship together.

        

Good luck.

It's a Twofer!

  

As in, two posts for the price of one! As in, I'm posting twice today. But this time it's for a good cause. 

I was perusing the internet this evening, like I always do when I'm putting off doing work, when I came across this wonderful cause, Mach's grün (yes, this is German. No, I'm not sure what it means, but loosely guesstimated*, I think it means "Make Green". Please don't ask me how I got there, I can't remember. There was a lot of links linking to links linking to other links. It's complicated.).

Apparently blogging is bad for the environment. Let me illustrate this for you with a diagram that I don't quite understand:

(These numbers are for a blog that receives 15,000 visitors a month. Please don't tell them I don't have that many visitors a month. I want them to plant a tree for me. Thanks.)

Any way, I happen to really like Mother Nature (for those of you in Upstate/Northern New York, please don't hate me for saying this. I know you aren't her biggest fan right now, what with all the snow she's been throwing your way *cough* *hack* Global Warming *cough* *cough*. Just think of this as my way of counteracting the curses you've thrown her way. Don't thank me now, thank me later when you don't get a snowstorm Memorial Day Weekend. You're welcome.).

So, here's the gist of it... if I post about their cause on my blog, email them the link and throw some cool little do-hickey over on my sidebar, they will plant a tree to counteract the damage my blog does (ha ha. I only wish I had that many visits). It's totally free. Sweet! Check it out if you have the time and care about the environment (I won't hold it against you if you don't. Really, I won't. I mean it, I really, really won't. Wait! Was that an aluminum can you just threw away in the trash? Ooh, you earth-hater...). Here's the link again: Mach's grün.

* Apparently Firefox recognizes guesstimated as a real word but not blonde. WTF, Firefox?

Call me morbid or absurd, but to me...

                        
...old age is a four letter word*

          

I recently (tonight) concluded that I do not wish to participate in the "Golden Years" of old age. Let us put aside for a moment the fact that I am only thirty and thus far, in good health. (Knock on wood! KNOCK ON WOOD!) This does not mean I am not permitted to be concerned about these things. 

I blame Glamour and that man with popcorn lung from Colorado (I eat a lot of microwaved popcorn. Not as much as this dude, but still). I picked up a Glamour magazine for my trip to the laundromat the other day, and it just happened to be the issue they printed the article, Your skin this summer: What's normal, what's not, in. 

(I tried to find a link on their website for this, but incidentally skin cancer must not be a pretty enough ailment to warrant a spot on their site. They'd rather make you pay for the chance to save your own life, I guess. Maybe if skin cancer was a growing threat to the ta-tas there'd be a bigger stink made about it.** But I digress.)

Where was I? Oh, right. Glamour scared the shit out of me tonight when they printed a picture of my someone's funky looking freckles. Like I need any more reasons to be concerned about skin cancer. 

• Blonde hair? Check! 
• Blue eyes? Check! 
• Fair skin? Double-check! 
• An unfathomable amount of exposure to UV rays in your lifetime because you were made to play outside when you were younger and no one believed in sunblock back then? Triple-check!

At any rate, I've decided that when I go I want it to be before I'm covered in festering lesions or hooked up to any tubes and hoses (or bells and whistles for that matter). Therefore, I'm looking into alternative routes.*** 

Since I'll never be an old, balding fat man with a bad heart, I can pretty much rule out croaking during sex. Bummer. There's always the Choose Your Own Adventure route. You know, like free-falling off a cliff. Or swimming with the sharks. Or marrying a producer for Survivor. Me, I'm just not that adventurous. 

One night, a friend and I were chit-chatting, and he outlined the plan for his demise to me. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I will tell you that it is going to be pretty. All sparkly and colorful. But it's probably going to smell really, really bad.

For my quest to find my ideal fast-track to death's doorstep, I've drawn up, if you will, some criteria (in no particular order):

1. It can't hurt too bad. Some pain is fine, but no suffering. And certainly no pain that'll last for extended periods of time. In other words, NO SUFFERING. That would defeat the whole purpose.
2. No messes. I don't want to go splat on the pavement somewhere. Or end up a mangled mess after a car accident. Dismemberment would be fine as long as it doesn't violate number one. And I want all my pieces collectible. As in, they can easily be gathered up and shoved into the same trash bag. A beheading might be interesting...
3. Making the news or some list of unusual deaths would be cool, but not mandatory.
4. No one else can perish with me. And my death cannot result in the death of others.
5. An ironic death would be ideal. Like this dude, who died while giving a farewell speech.
6. No burning, drowning or asphyxiation.

Um, that's good for now. How about you? Do you have any preferred ways you'd like to go? Or not go?**** 

And because, unlike Glamour, I care about you're opportunity to identify questionable moles for free, here's some scary pics (in order of grossness):

(Source: My camera. Don't worry, I paid for the magazine. I made them nice and big so you can click on them and enlarge the images. You're welcome!)

                                                                                                  

* these words are brought to you by "Friend is a Four Letter Word" by Cake. And this source.
** please don't attack me for being anti-Save the Ta-Tas. I know women who have died from/have had/have breast cancer. I'm all for supporting the boobs, but come on. Share the wealth a little. Where's the promotion to Save the Nut-sacks? Ooh! Or Cup the Nuts! Sorry. Tangent.
*** I'm not suicidal. Well, at least not until PMS rears it's ugly head again.
**** let me assure you, again, for the record, I don't intend on offing myself.