"It wasn't me, Officer, I swear. And you can't prove that it was... oh."

   

The other day I headed into the office of one of my schools and walked in on the middle of a serious conversation. 

The Administrative Assistant (aka "Head Secretary") was relaying a story to the Principal about something that happened when she and a couple of the other secretaries were in the back soccer field for their daily walk. 

While out for their stroll, they stumbled upon part of the chain-link fence that had been torn down by an automobile, which they had concluded based on the tire tracks that had ripped up the entire soccer field.

The Principal, very concerned, stated that this incident needed to be immediately reported to Security. She also expressed that she hoped, but doubted, that they would be able to catch the person(s) who had damaged the fields. 

At this point the Admin. Assist. stood up and said, "Oh, I don't think that should be a problem" as she pulled something out from behind her desk and dropped it onto the counter.

That's right, folks, the vandals had left behind their license plate. Mounting system and all. 

And for the record, some principals just don't have a sense of humor. Especially when someone suggests to them, during a conversation about something as serious as vandalism, that maybe someone should report the incident to Dumb Criminals.

Behind the Music: The Anti-Electrics

    

They were about to embark on a journey together. Fulfilling a life-long dream. Little did they know it would change their lives forever. 

One boring, lonely weekend in suburbia hell, Malcolm and Tori found themselves agreeing to form a band. And not just any band, oh no, they were forming a rock band. Their prior knowledge of being in a band was limited. Malcolm once played organ at his church and had spent many weekends with friends playing guitar in their living rooms. Tori had once played clarinet in her school's band in middle school. Neither one of them could sing, so they immediately agreed to look outside their coupling for vocals. They chose their instruments easily enough, Malcolm on guitar and Tori on drums. Settling on a name would prove to be much more difficult.

After tossing around various different ideas, Malcolm suggested "Fuzzy Electric Peaches" while Tori wanted "The Fraggles". 

"'Fuzzy Electric Peaches' evoked images of hairy vaginas in my mind. I really didn't want our fans to associate us with twats sporting five o'clock shadows. I was against that name from the start," claims Tori.

She told Malcolm as much too, and he explained that that was the whole point of the name. Seeing no compromise in sight, Tori suggested they decide what direction they wanted their band to head in, theorizing that this would make the name choice easier.

Malcolm saw folk rock in their future. Tori was envisioning alternative/punk rock.

As legend tells it, Tori became exasperated and discouraged by her and Malcolm's differences and feared for the fate of their band before it even had a chance to exist. She told Malcolm to go ahead and name the band whatever he wanted, but for the record, she was "anti-Electric".

And a band was born, and they called themselves The Anti-Electrics.

"I was okay with the new name, but I insisted we add the 'the' to it," interviews Tori, "All great bands have 'the' in their names, The White Stripes, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, The Black Keys, The Shins."

The Anti-Electrics began their tour in New York City, where the crowd received them well enough. As a cover band, Malcolm and Tori discovered creating a set list was no easy task. Malcolm favored The Beastie Boys and Survivor while Tori preferred the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bikini Kill and Interpol. They agreed on Beck, Radiohead and Talking Heads.

As their skill level and ability to please the crowd increased, so did The Anti-Electrics' consumption of whiskey and beer during performances.

"I wouldn't say our alcohol use really affected our performances at the start, but I did notice as we gradually began booking more shows, our stage fright disappeared and our awkward nervousness became nonexistent. I think, in the beginning, the booze really helped to loosen us up and make our performances more entertaining." Tori laughs, "I remember this one show, it was between sets, and Malcolm and I were joking around backstage and I remember we had had a few drinks, and I couldn't find my drumsticks, and I said to Malcolm, 'Hey, man, have you seen my guitar sticks?'" Tori chuckles, "To this day I still refer to them as my 'guitar sticks'. It became a running inside joke between Mal and I, you know?"

As their popularity grew, so did their need to hire a manager. Much to Malcolm's dismay, The Anti-Electrics decided to hire a real manager, resulting in the firing of his mother. 

"I remember Malcolm took that pretty hard," interviews Pete, former vocalist for The Anti-Electrics, "I had only been with the band for a few months, I think I was the third, no, maybe the fourth singer they had hired, any ways, I started with the band just when its popularity took off and we were in need of a real manager. Mal's mom had been doing the job for years, but she just wasn't able to bring in the big shows."

Now booking shows in cities like Boston and Chicago, The Anti-Electrics were quickly becoming a household name. As the pressure to put on stellar performances increased, so did the distance between the band's founding members. 

"You know, from day one we wanted to go in different directions. We tried to compromise with our song selections, but it was hard for both of us to play certain sets. I remember there were plenty of times Mal had to carry the set on stage. I just couldn't get into the groove, you know? But, then again, there were times when the crowd was on the verge of booing him off stage. Looking back on it now, I guess I should have known in Boston that the pressure was really beginning to come between us," Tori interviews.

The fame began affecting Malcolm and creating resentment within the band. Malcolm started spending the band's money frivolously and took to performing shirtless. Tori retreated further into the comforts of her own punk/goth style while the image of the band changed as frequently as the band's lead singer and bassist. It wasn't unusual for fans to attend two shows in the same week and discover that half of the members had been replaced in between shows. Again.

At the end of their tour in Boston, The Anti-Electrics finally fell apart. 

"We'd been at it forever, it seemed. It was just one show after another. We were drinking too much, eating too little and Mal had taken to doing drugs in between sets. Nothing serious, just a little Mary Jane here and there, but it was definitely affecting his ability to perform on stage," Molly, former singer for The Anti-Electrics, explains. "Tori was really holding her own out there, and she was always the most energetic performer on stage. I know she was ready to continue the tour onto Chicago and even San Francisco, but it just wasn't meant to be."

The crumbling of The Anti-Electrics was even becoming evident to hard-core fans and dedicated crew. Shows were frequently being interrupted, often in the middle of songs, to replace old, malfunctioning instruments and equipment.

"No one wanted to come out and blame Malcolm for the problems the band was having, but we all knew the truth. We all knew," claims Rat, a former roadie for The Anti-Electrics.

After only a short time touring together, Malcolm finally admitted to the band that he wanted to end the tour early so he could "take a break." Tori, who'd been with him from the beginning, took it the hardest.

Tori reminisces, "It hurt, it really did. I don't want to say it wasn't expected, we all knew it was coming, but I was hoping we could at least make it to Chicago before Mal bailed out. He was struggling though, and our music was suffering. Despite it all, we had good times together. Good times."

Since the band's break-up, Tori has become a rock journalist, chronicling the lives of bands much like The Anti-Electrics, cover-bands with big dreams and even bigger underlying resentments and grudges. In the heart of their career, The Anti-Electrics hired and fired a total of eight lead singers and an equal number of bassists, all of whom have moved on to better things. Malcolm hasn't made a public appearance since The Anti-Electrics last show in Boston. Some believe he has found comfort in his bed, much like Brian Wilson had. Tori remains hopeful.

"I'd still like to believe that The Anti-Electrics will reunite and go on tour again. I have hope that we will make it to Chicago and maybe even San Francisco someday. I'm not giving up." Tori holds up her hands and winks, "These hands will hold guitar sticks once again, man, you can be sure of that."

VH1 has no affiliation with this blog.

Step away from the pickle: Cohabitating, OBG style.

                 

So you've chosen to cohabitate, huh?

Cohabitation isn't for everyone. Some people prefer the LAT route. Regardless of your reason for choosing cohabitation, whether it be because you love your honey bunny, lovey wovey soooooo much, or because you're broke and can't afford separate living arrangements, every couple should establish some guidelines prior to making the big jump. Living with another person can be very traumatizing and quite often aggravating.

To help you with the transition, I present:

A GUIDE TO COHABITATION: OBG STYLE

(These guidelines, while written in a manner that would indicate that they are solely intended for men, are intended to be unisex. History has shown that OBG prefers cohabitating with men, therefore it would be only natural that these guidelines be written for them. However, these guidelines can easily be reworked to target women. So take heed, ladies.) 

Please note, these guidelines will not work for everyone. Please feel free to adjust them to your individual needs. However, if you ever find yourself cohabitating with OBG, you're going to want to know these like the back of your hand.

Let's begin.

Time and Space. All people need personal time and personal space. This rule applies to individuals who have chosen to couple-up as well. Sometimes it's hard to tell when one needs some alone time. Generally speaking, hissing and spitting is a good indication that your sweetie could use some space. If you're trying to have a conversation with your honey and she glares at you, snaps at you, neglects to respond, and/or stabs you with a Bic ballpoint pen, your best course of action is to end all attempts to interact, slowly back away, and try again later. Pushing your love-bug into spending time with you or trying to engage in snuggling at in inopportune moment is a recipe for disaster. In time, if you are patient and observant enough, you will learn to recognize the subtle signs of your schmoozie-whoozie's moods. Until then, it is best to inquire about your sweetie's state of mind prior to making your move.

Love Bunny will CUT A BITCH STAB A DICK! 
(Source) 
     

In the Kitchen. All people need to eat. As a couple, you will be tempted to eat together. Proceed with caution.  Not everyone likes to eat their meals at the same time of day. You may find that your smoochie-poo tends to eat breakfast at 10:00 am while you eat breakfast at 6:30 am before heading off to work. While a three and a half hour difference doesn't seem like much, there's a pretty good chance your meal schedules are out of sync. Don't allow this to become an issue. If Honey Bunny wants to eat dinner at 9:00 pm and you're hungry at 6:00 pm, go ahead and eat when you're hungry. You and Love-bug can always enjoy your weekend meals together.

Furthermore, as a couple, you'll be tempted to do your grocery shopping together. Don't do it. People tend to have specific strategies they employ when tackling the chore of grocery shopping. Chances are you and Snuggle-Bear will have different strategies. Attempting to shop together will only aggravate one or both of you. Try to do your grocery shopping separate and at times that are convenient to each of you. If, as a couple, you decide that Sugar-plum will be responsible for the acquisition of food, make a point of creating a grocery list together. Chances are you'll be craving some Chunky Monkey, but unless you tell Baby-Cakes, she won't pick it up for you. It is inevitable that you will be unaware of your burning love for pickles until your googleybear puts it on the list. DO NOT make the assumption that she will be willing to share her tangy dills with you. Favorite foods are exempt from sharing. If you must have pickles, ask Love-bug to pick up two jars. The same rule applies to chocolate. Honey will not want to share her chocolate with you. On the other hand, your chocolate is fair game. This may sound like a double-standard, but it is not. Keeping your sweetie stocked with chocolate will make life happier for everyone.

This shit only happens on first dates. And in the movies. 
(Source)
   

In the Bedroom. Do not assume that the bedroom will be a happy, romantic love-nest others tell you it will be. As a couple, sharing a bedroom presents its own problems. You and your sweetums are likely to have different ideas as to what is acceptable to do in the bedroom (for further reading, see Sex). Honey-Bun may believe that it is entirely appropriate to do any of the following while in bed; eat, drink, sleep, read, draw, paint, talk on the phone, check her email, clip her toenails, paint her toenails, and watch movies. On the other hand, you may believe that while in bed, it is appropriate to only do the following; watch TV, sleep, fart, and get-it-on. As you can imagine, these differences may become a source of contention for you and Snookums. It is inevitable that you will need to make some compromises in this situation. Pooky might be willing to give up snacking on Triscuits while in bed and giving herself pedicures in your love-nest if you refrain from insisting she "catch a whiff" (for further reading, see The Bathroom and Other Bodily Functions).

It is highly unlikely that you and your squiggle-button will have the same bedtime. You might have the ability to fall asleep seconds after your head hits the pillow while your schmoopy is an insomniac who tosses and turns until 4:00 am. Do not expect that you and Love-Bug will be peacefully spooning in bed every night at 9:00 pm. This is unrealistic. Unfortunately, depending on how out of sync your sleep schedules are, separate sleeping arrangements may be necessary. Furthermore, if you must wake up early, do so with the least amount of disturbance to your sleeping angel-face. Go about your morning routine as quickly, as quietly, and with as little light as possible.

With an innocent flick of the switch, sleeping Angel Face instantly transforms into Vampire Bitch. "WHO TURNED THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON?" 

(Source) and (Source)

   

Entertainment. You may be under the impression that you and Love Muffin have the same tastes in music, movies, hobbies, sports and TV shows. This is not true. Chances are both you and your honey bunny stretched the truth on your preferences. Don't hate on each other. This deception can be blamed on pheromones. During your first days of dating, you and Googleybear wanted to have as much in common with each other as possible, with the end result being that you both would think that you were made for each other. Over time, however, you will discover that your tastes differ drastically. You may feel compelled to mock Love-Bug's love of indie punk rock. Try to refrain yourself. Hurting your honey's feelings, while initially entertaining, will inevitably end badly for you. iPods and earbuds were invented to maintain peace in relationships. Make sure you both use them when in the presence of each other. If anything, they will prevent Snuggle-Bear from using a machete to hack your $1500 speakers to pieces after being forced to listen to your entire collection of Jack Johnson albums.

When it comes to the "good" TV, the rule of first come, first served applies. Do not attempt to interrupt Pookums' ANTM marathon to play Xbox, regardless of how lame you think Tyra Banks is. When these situations arise, you have two options, one, go watch TV in another room, or two, enjoy the rare opportunity to watch young, hot, scantily clad models parade across your HDTV. When choosing movies to see as a couple, it is important to work out an arrangement acceptable to both of you. If you insist that Cuddle Buddle Biddle Bear has to watch Avatar, don't complain when she wants you to see 500 Days of Summer. If you can not agree on a suitable arrangement, it may be necessary to find movie buddies outside of your coupledom. 

 Having never established the First Come, First Served rule, Love Muffin

would do whatever it took to get her Kardashian fix.

   

Decor. Your style will never be as sophisticated as Love-Bug's. All of your good taste was used up when you chose Love-Bug as your Honey Bunny Pumpkin Face. Let her do all the decorating and be sure to thank her for it. After all, she knows that the reason your bed feels like a comfy, cozy, silky cloud has everything to do with goose down and thread count. You don't even know what a thread count is.

He thought the cardboard box printed bedding was ironic.

Honey Bunny showed him the real meaning of irony. 

(Source)

    

Sex. Sex, in any relationship, is extremely important. It is very crucial to establish a compatible sexual routine. It is imperative that you and Sweet Peach Jelly Bean discuss both of your sexual expectations prior to cohabiting. DO NOT assume that your sexual history with Snooki Wooki Huggy Bear is any indication of what your sex life will be like during cohabitation. Prior to cohabitation your sex life was most likely based on raging pheromones, alcohol, and opportunity. Once you start sharing your bed, you may discover that you enjoy wake-up sex while your snuggle-bear, the insomniac, likes to get-it-on in the evening, or mid-day, or late-morning, but not early morning. This is something you will need to work out with each other. Regardless of time of day, it is good to know that sexual relations should never occur while Sugar Lips is feeling fat and bloated as a result of a large meal, PMS, or constipation. These are not things you can inquire about. If your honey fails to respond to your advances, it is safe to assume that she is experiencing one of the above.

You may also discover that you prefer to engage in coitus while in bed. This can be a problem if you and Kittentits have different sleep schedules. You may also discover that Honey believes the bed is no place for coitus and would instead prefer to engage in sexual activities in the living room or on the stairs or in the car or in the kitchen, on the counter top smeared with chili grease that causes a week-long ass rash. Do not, under any circumstances, judge each other. You will need to work out any sexual differences you have in order to ensure the success of your cohabitation. This will require that you be open to new ideas, suggestions, and positions. Experimentation is key. Remember science class? You conducted experiments in science class so you could learn. Same idea here.

Kittentits is feeling fat and will have none of that. 

(Source)

    

The Bathroom and Other Bodily Functions. It is very important to preserve the magic while involved in a cohabitating relationship. The easiest way to do this is to establish some bathroom and bodily functions guidelines. When using the bathroom, the door should remain closed. At all times. There are no exceptions. Bathroom time is private time. And if one finds it necessary to engage in certain solo activities while in the bathroom, or in any other room, one should ensure that the door(s) is(are) locked prior to engagement. Furthermore, one should not expect shower sex to become a regular occurrence while cohabitating. You may think that it would be a good idea to sneak into the bathroom while Lady Love is rinsing and repeating, but this is not the case. Despite what you see in pornos, movies, and music videos, shower sex is rarely sexy.

There is a time and place for bodily functions. In the vicinity of your honey is neither the time nor the place. This is very important. If you must fart, belch and/or pick you nose, you should do so while alone. Or while with your best buds. You do not have sexual relations with your buddies. If you want to continue having sexual relations with Fuzzy Bubble Funny Bunny do not behave in her presence the way you would with your buds.

I am not your bro, yo, I'm your ho, and these legs will not part if ye farts 
(Source)
      

Chores. Most grown adults will find ways to pay other people to do their chores for them. This is because chores are boring. If you and Love Monkey Honeypie Sugar Britches are sans kids and do not have the resources to hire a maid, you will find it advantageous to share the responsibility of chores. It would be unwise to use your employment as an excuse to evade chores. The upkeep of your home should not be the sole responsibility of one person in the relationship. You and Honeybunches Buttercup Cookie Duck agreed to cohabitate together. You agreed to share your living quarters with each other. Therefore, you should expect to share the responsibility of the upkeep of said living quarters. This is non-negotiable.

 Sugar Britches was feeling resentful, so she devised a scheme that would ensure 

she'd never have to mow the lawn again, and maybe get a new vacuum cleaner too. 

(Source)

And there you have it. I hope this guide has been informative and will help to make your transition into cohabitation less painful. 

With any luck, you and Snuggle Bug will have a very long and happy cohabitating relationship together.

        

Good luck.

It's my first time...

  

I absolutely had to turn a recent facebook post into a blog post, which I've never done before. This is just too funny to pass up (it's quite possible this is only funny to me, and I'm okay with that. My humor is often underappreciated).

(click on this to get the whole effect. you won't regret it. I think)