shhh... it's a secret

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Previously on OBG... 1.4

(the following should be read like... well, however you feel like reading it. You're all adults. Use your imagination.)

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.
When we last left OBG...
...she had just moved to Northern Virginia (again) and was trying to adjust to life in an unfamiliar place surrounded by unfamiliar things (again). She was suffering from severe self-doubt about her recent decisions and was feeling totally bummed out. Dude. 
We now join OBG on Saturday evening, July 3rd, in Bilboa Baggins, a restaurant/bar in Old Town Alexandria, where she is having dinner with Gregarious, Thing Two, and SarahCC. They were seated at their table ten minutes earlier and have yet to be served. Gregarious and Thing Two have their phones out. Again.
OBG (directed at the table): What are you all getting?
Gregarious (typing away and not looking up from the phone): Huh?
Thing Two (typing away and not looking up from the phone): What?
SarahCC: I haven't decided yet. Every time I think I know what I"m getting, I look at the menu again and change my mind.
OBG: Yeah, me too. The pizza looks really good, but I'm afraid if I don't get something more substantial I'm just going to be hungry in a couple of hours again.
Thing Two (glancing up from phone): Shouldn't we have been served by now? (briefly looks around but soon returns to phone)
Gregarious (looking up from phone): Yeah, at least take our beer order. I want a beer. (briefly looks around but is soon back to the phone)
In-Head OBG: Whoa. I can't believe how rude they're being. I can't believe Thing Two invited SarahCC to join us and is spending the whole time on his phone. I don't even know her. I feel bad for her. Looks like I'm going to have to make conversation with her, which is fine, but I still can't get over the fact that she had to introduce herself to us in the car and now we're left to our own devices on the conversation.
OBG (to SarahCC): So you live in Crystal City, huh? How do you like it?
SarahCC: Well, it's nice, but I really want to move into DC because that's where all my friends live and right now it's a hassle to go out with them because it takes me so much longer on the Metro to get to them. But it's cool. Not like Clarendon, which is totally yuppy.
In-Head OBG: Fuck. That's where Gregarious wants to live. I DO NOT want to live in yuppy-town. This is NOT what I signed up for. Where do all the creative people like me live? I was totally promised Alexandria when I moved down here. This is such a bait-and-switch scam.
Thing Two (briefly looking up from phone): That's where these two want to move too.
In-Head OBG: Say what now? Uh-uh. Oh, this is not going to go well for me. I miss NY.
Gregarious (still thumbing away on the phone): Huh? Oh, yeah, Clarendon. Yeah, it seems like a nice place to live. Either that or the Fairfax/Vienna area. As long as it's still on the Metro line and not too far for me to drive to work if I end up working in Ashburn.
In-Head OBG: Oh, fuck no! I was promised Alexandria or DC. I'm having really, really bad feelings about this. Where is our server? I need a beer, ASAP.
After an adventurous evening spent wandering under the Woodrow Wilson bridge, trying to catch a glimpse of the fireworks that Gregarious assured the rest of the party were occurring (which you will hear about at a later time), and after a repeat of pretty much the same scenario played out above, except at the Columbia Firehouse, we now join OBG on the 4th of July doing something she swore to herself last 4th of July she would never do again- attend a BBQ further south down I-95 in Fredericksburg, VA. She is now on her second beer, sitting with Night Ranger, watching a riveting game of cornhole.
In-Head OBG: I can't believe I'm missing out on fireworks in DC to attend a frickin' pool party with Gregarious' hockey team. This is lame. Where is he any way? I hate the 4th of July. All I care about are the fireworks. That's all the 4th of July is good for. Why did I let Gregarious talk me into this? I should have gone on my own and met Thing Two in DC for fireworks. I don't even know anyone here. Well, except for Night Ranger. And House, but trying to talk to them is weird. Stupid Virginia...
In-Head OBG (looking around): What was that?
OBG (to Night Ranger): What was that?
Night Ranger: Huh? I didn't hear anything.
[pop. pop.] 
In-Head OBG (looking around): There it was again. That sounded like... fireworks.
[pop. pop. pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 
In-Head OBG (bolting out of her chair, frantically looking around): It was. I'd recognize that sound anywhere. It... was...
OBG (shouting at the top of her lungs): FIREWORKS!!!
Night Ranger (visibly startled): What the...
OBG: It's... FIREWORKS!!! (looking around frantically) WHERE ARE THEY? (looks right) WHERE ARE THEY? (looks left) I KNOW I HEARD THEM. FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS! FIREWORKS! Wait... (tilts head and listens)
[pop. pop. poppity-pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 
OBG: OH MY GOD, FIREWORKS!!! THEY'RE COMING FROM THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! (knocks over old folks and children on a mad pursuit to the front of the house) FIREWORKS!!! (arrives at front of house)
In-Head OBG (desperately looking around in confusion): What? Where are they? I know I heard them...
[pop. pop.]
In-Head OBG (jerks head around): There they are again. Where are they coming from?
[pop.  pffffffzzzzzzz.]
OBG: OH MY GOD, FIREWORKS!!! THEY'RE COMING FROM THE BACK OF THE HOUSE! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! (pushes crippled man into pool on the way to the back of the house. steps on fat, old dog's tail)
[pop. pop. poppity-pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 
OBG: FIREWORKS!!! BRIGHT, SPARKLY, COLORFUL... FIREWORKS!!! (arrives at back of house)
In-Head OBG (desperately looking around in confusion): What? Where are they? I know I heard them...
[pop. pop. pop. bang.] 
In-Head OBG (jerks head around): There they are again. Where the fuck are they coming from? I must see the fireworks!
[pop. pop. poppity-pop. pffffffzzzzzzz.] 
OBG (short of breath, foaming at the mouth, leering at the party guests): WHERE... ARE... THEY? I MUST... HAVE... MY... FIREWORKS!!! (runs back and forth across the back yard, over to the side yard, back to the front yard, into the house for a potty break, back to the back yard, up to the front yard where she discovers the party has relocated)
Gregarious (to OBG): Look, The Hosts are going to set off fireworks.
OBG (stops short): What? (looks around in an obvious state of confusion)
Gregarious (pointing at the hosts who are carrying brown paper bags): Look. They have fireworks. They're going to start lighting them off. And they have sparklers too.
OBG (wiping foam from chin): Whowhatnow?
Gregarious (with an exasperated sigh): Fireworks. They. Are. Lighting. Fireworks. See? You'll get to see some after all.
In-Head OBG (looking around at crowd, watching The Hosts light bottle rockets): But...
[high pitched whistle. pop.]
[crowd cheers.]
OBG (shaking head and scoffing): Man, some people get all worked up over some of the littlest things, huh? I just don't get. I'm gonna go get another beer.

Next time on OBG...
... did OBG ever get to see real fireworks? (Editor's note: Uh... no. But she was promised them next year. For real. The promise was sealed with blood. So it has to happen.) Did OBG ever pick up her new glasses? (Editor's Note: She did) Will OBG finally be happy with her new glasses? (Editor's Note: Uh... yeah! They totally rock!) Will OBG ever return to regular blogging? Has OBG lost her creativity for good? How did OBG end up under the Woodrow Wilson bridge? And how are Loki and Mrs. Lovett doing? And what possessed OBG to paint her toenails white? And what in the name of the sanity  of all who know OBG happened to all the Midol/Pamprin products of the world? Is it some sort of conspiracy?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. But hopefully it will be more exciting than this episode. One can only dream.

Editor's Note: No animals, old people, children or cripples were hurt in the making of this episode of OBG. Gregarious, however, got run over by a shopping cart in the middle of a Bloom grocery store. Minor injuries were sustained and lessons were, most likely, still not learned.

PLEASE NOTE: The Blogger commenting snafu appears to be resolved.


Steve G. said...

Aw about the fireworks :( That stinks! Are you in a place where they're legal at all? In Rhode Island, you're allowed to have small sparklers, fountains and snaps, but no firecrackers or bottle rockets.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

LOL!! Cant wait for the next installment.

Sara Louise said...

I hope you got your fireworks <3 I have to wait until the 14th for my. Oh Bastille Day, you're just not the same!

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