shhh... it's a secret

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Writing Workshop Wednesday

              
List ten things you are currently sick of.
  1. Celebrity "News"- I don't care about Mel Gibson's phone conversations or about Michael Jackson's suspicious death. I don't care about so-and-so cheating on whats-her-name or about Mrs. Lipo divorcing Mr. Botox. I couldn't pick Snooki out of a line-up and honestly, I don't even know if I spelled her name right. The only news I want to hear coming out of New Jersey is that its roads have miraculously repaired themselves, people have learned to drive and it no longer smells like ass-crack. My life is not made any better knowing that Jessica Simpson has gained weight, Britney Spears has no neck, and Jennifer Love is magically thin again. I get it. They're people. They do things. They say things. Shit happens to them. Sometimes these things are good. Sometimes these things are bad. Can we please get over it already and move on to more important things?
  2. Social Media- Ironic, right? Well, it's not helping me any right now. It's not making me feel better about myself. It's not getting me a job. It's not making my thighs any smaller. In fact, it's having the exact opposite effect. I think we might have to break up.
  3. Political Poll Results- Does anyone really place any value on those things anymore? How? Why? Studies are starting to show that polls may no longer be accurately representing the general population as more and more people are becoming cellphone-only users. Pollsters can only poll people who are at home and are on landlines. Who do you know that still uses a landline? My Republican parents do. I'm just saying. For further reading, read this. For those too lazy to read, listen to this.
  4. A/C- Ugh. It dries out my hair, my nose and my skin. It gives me headaches and makes me sleepy. I am sooooo over A/C. Give me the heat, the humidity, a freezer full of ice, a spray bottle and a fan and I am good to go (Hey, it worked when I was younger. We didn't have fancy air conditioning back in them there mountains.)
  5. Cats and everything cat related- There. I said it. I'm sure I'm going to make tons of enemies on this one and possibly lose some followers, but I don't really care (see #2). I hate cats. I don't care about your cats. I don't care to see pictures of cats with corny captions. I don't care that you went on vacation and had to leave your precious wittle kitties behind and you miss them soooo much. And no one else on Facebook cares either. I think cats are stuck-up and icky. And they make me sneeze too.
  6. Vegetables- This one perplexes me. I have always been a vegetable lover. Even when I was a wee child. Broccoli? Yes please. Asparagus? Oh yeah. Brussels sprouts? Green beans? Corn on the Cob? Yes, yes and yes. The more vegetables on my plate, the merrier I be. Except for lately. As in within the past 3-4 months. I can not stand the thought of eating a vegetable. It makes me want to gag. Literally. I get that metallic, I'm about to gag or puke, mouth watering thing going on whenever I think about putting a veggie in my mouth. What the fuck?
  7. LOL, LMAO, OMG, and so on and so on- WTF, people? No seriously, what the fuck? If I have to see one more goddamn "LOL" I'm going to hurt someone. No one in real life says, as a response to something, "Laughing out loud". I mean, imagine how that would play out. BETTY: "...and then I fell up the stairs!" VERONICA: "Laughing out loud." BETTY: "WTF, Veronica?" That isn't even grammatically correct! Who's laughing out loud? Are you laughing out loud, because if you were I'm pretty sure I would know, because I could hear it, because you'd be laughing, out loud, and I have ears. And does it really take that much more effort to write, "That's funny" or "You made me laugh with your witty commentary"? I don't think so. And what the hell does "ROFL" mean, because every time I see it I think you're referencing vomiting but don't know how to spell "ralph".
  8. The radio- In fact, I stopped listening to it. I couldn't even begin to tell you what gets played on it anymore.
  9. Hangovers- Enough already. I get it. Seriously, you can stop bothering me now. I know what you are. I know what you feel like. Move on already. There are plenty of people out there who don't know what you're all about. Go bother them and let me have my productive Sundays back, please?
  10. Adults who watch cartoons- I'm not talking about adults who watch cartoons from their own childhood while reminiscing about Saturday mornings spent in front of the TV with a bowl of CoCo Rice Krispies in their lap. And I'm not talking about adults who have children and get sucked into cartoon watching with them (as an excuse?). I'm talking about adults who watch cartoons with no children present. Like Spongebob. (Adult cartoons being the exception. Like Archer.)

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4 comments:

Didactic Pirate said...

I'm pretty much with you on all these. But I'd be lying if I didn't listen to that Mel Gibson audio clip twice today. I'm sorry. I had to.

Regarding #10: what if the adult watching the children's cartoon is only doing so because he sat down next to his daughter while feeling exhausted himself, and found that SpongeBob had a soothing, hypnotic effect on him and he ended up *accidentally* watching it for two hours more after his daughter went upstairs to read a book? Is it still bad?

DateMeDC said...

Hey, what kinds of jobs are you looking for? What's your degree in? There's been an exodus at my company lately so if being a deputy news editor or reporter is of interest to you, I can point you in a few directions.

P.S. do I come off creepy and stalkerish? I'm really not trying to be, I'm just friendly!

One Blonde Girl said...

@ DP- You have a child, therefore you are exempt from #10. Lucky you!

@ DateMe- I appreciate your helpfulness and friendliness. I just emailed you.

Erin said...

All right, look. I will keep reading you even though you hate cats. Because you amuse me. LOL. I threw that in just for you. ROFLMAO. I also amuse myself.

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