shhh... it's a secret

Monday, July 26, 2010

Cub Scouts are judgy motherf*ers.

             
- the little pricks. Walking around the metro station like they own the place. Like they've never been gloriously hungover at eleven:00am.


other possible titles for this post were...

Is 30 Too Old for Silly Bandz?

- No. Especially if they're not the real thing and were purchased from a convenience store on the way to a drinking party (like there's any other kind).

or...

At Least My Underwear is on the Right Way

- Which is better than I can manage most of the time. The following is dialogue from an actual conversation that took place. More or less:
"Do you remember puking last night?"
"What? No. In the toilet?"
"Uh, no. Do you remember me putting you in the shower to clean the puke off of you?"
"What? No. And I took my clothes off first?"
"No. I had to undress you."
"But I managed to put them back on so well?"
"No. You didn't. I did that too."
"Huh."

or...

The Four Hour Walk Ride of Shame

- Because somebody left his car keys at Thing Two's apartment in DC, and we weren't made aware of it until we were at Pentagon City, on our way to King Street to transfer to the blue line and then we had to get off and head back up to Mount Vernon Square and then do the whole thing all over again.

or...

The Time the G-Man Left Me Passed Out On a Bench in the Metro Station

- But first I had to convince him that it would be in everyone's best interest to just leave me in the station, because there was no chance in hell I was venturing out in that heat to walk back to Thing Two's apartment. And, yes, yes I would be okay by myself because I am, after all, an adult. And then I curled up in the fetal position on the hard bench and took a nap. Okay, well maybe not the fetal position since I was wearing a dress and there was a weird Asian man next to me and I didn't want him looking up my dress.

or...

Old Asian Men Like Passed-Out, Hungover Chicks

- Why else would the old man try to converse with me when I was obviously trying to snooze. I'm pretty sure my lack of response was only encouraging him to try harder. Why else would he refuse to let up? And how did he know my name?

or...

That Time I Mistook The G-Man for an Old Asian Dude

- Did I mention I was hungover?

or...

I Want to Die

- "You can die once we get to the car."

or...

How Long Does it Take OBG to Eat French Fries?

- About thirty minutes. Because when she's laying down on the bed, with the fries about six inches from her mouth, she'll be tempted to eat them straight from the container, with her mouth, because it would require way too much energy to lift her head up, but she still tries to maintain a certain level of dignity and uses her hands to eat the fries, but this requires that she take a quick power nap between every bite, wherein she forgets she even has fries, and when she opens her eyes after each nap, she is pleasantly greeted by greasy fries staring her in the face, and she thinks, "Ooh, look. Yum, fries."


Yeah so, that was my weekend. How was yours?

14 comments:

Christy said...

By comparison, very, very, tame. I'll just live vicariously through you for now. I'm a bit old for that. LOL

Krista said...

Good lord! That does NOT sound like my idea of fun at all! I'll stick to my unplanned trips to the playground instead. :-) Hope you're feeling better!

Didactic Pirate said...

Sometimes I think your life is like a really awesome movie -- one I'd pay full price to see.

International Woman of Mystery said...

GREAT hangover description! I think I experience similiar hangovers to your since your description seems a bit too familiar! Very familiar. Especially about the french fries. When I'm hungover I usually go for French fries or pizza. I like to take a small nap in between the pizza bites. If I have actually managed to be convinced to go to a pizza restaurant to eat said pizza, you will find me with my head on the table. I often wish someone would feed me. I wish I could say that the hangover stopped me from drinking. But sadly, it seems I never do learn.

Clare and Gary said...

Had the worst hangover I'd had in years... self induced so it was my own fault. It was ok though 'cause the party was at mine and hubbie got up and cleaned most of mess in morning so I didn't see limes and mac & cheese floating in pool... :-)

Steve G. said...

One time I got really drunk, went to bed at 2 a.m., then woke up at 2 p.m. and started to drive home... and I realized I was still drunk. Luckily, it was only like 3/4 of a mile to my house, but when I got home I immediately got in the shower and started throwing up. It was a classy, classy time in my life, and I'm sure you can relate :D

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Blame it on the alcohol and hangover. Always works for me.

DateMeDC said...

That was AMAZING.

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Christy- Feel free to live away! (Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm probably too old for this as well)

@ Krista- Not quite how I anticipated the evening going. In fact, I foresaw tame times when the convos were all politics and I was tempted to fall asleep. But then someone conned me into flip cup. Damn you , flip cup!

@ DP- Best comment ever. Really. Especially since sometimes I go through life wondering what people would think if my life were a movie and they were watching it. Thanks for feeding my delusions.

@ IWM- French fries and pizza, that's all I wanted too. Unfortunately there's no drive-thru for pizza. Why is that? And no one will deliver where I currently live. I never learn either.

@ C and G- Limes and Mac & Cheese, huh? That sounds... gross. I am proud to say (mortifyingly ashamed) that I've never had to clean up my own puke. Maybe if I had, I would learn. Maybe.

@ Steve G.- Oh, those moments are the worst. You think you're fine, but then you realize that the torture has yet to even begin.

@ MMH- Story of my life. Not really. Kind of.

@ DateMeDC- See? And this is why we should hang, so you can experience this craziness as well (and I didn't even tell about the worst parts from the night before).

jules said...

BA HA HA HA HA. You are hilarious! I can so relate! (Though I've pretty much give up alcohol in the past few months after some SCARY drunk episodes.) We better not run into each other in DC because we would surely be trouble together. The bright side is being pleasantly surprised by fries over and over again!

MeredithDuck said...

I have totally been there with the french fries incident. Or I've felt like I was about to spew any minute but the fries tasted so good that I didn't want to eat them later cold so I took really small bites saying "no, no I will not puke".

One Blonde Girl said...

@ jules- I've given up the booze from time to time for the same reason. Thinking it might be time to once again, or stop partying with The G-Man since all my worst moments happen when we drink together. I'm less of an ass when out with others.

@ MDuck- I was thinking the same thing while I was eating my fries.

Salt said...

This is the most glorious thing I have read all day. My weekend wasn't as...interesting as yours, but I have been in a similar predicament a time or two in the past.

Though without silly bands. Although I almost bought some at a convenience store last night because they were football team related. Not that you can tell once they are on your wrist anyway.

Sara Louise said...

UGH! I was feeling your pain reading this. I'm so happy that I can't remember the last time I felt like this.

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