shhh... it's a secret

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Previously on OBG... 1.5

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.
When we last left OBG...
...she was aggravated by job searching (what else is new) but was finding some enjoyment in slaughtering zombies and drinking wine. After a scary brush with death via an alleged intruder scare, she dug out her Taser, loaded it with new batteries and now keeps it on her nightstand (you've been warned). OBG also suffered through a particularly rabid episode of PMS, but no one was harmed (too badly), and life as we know it continues to exist.

After spending a nice, relaxing and peaceful Friday evening alone, drinking wine, watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and playing Hexic into the wee hours, we now join OBG on Saturday evening in Bilbo Baggins (again) where she and The G-Man (formerly known as "Gregarious"), are having a couple of beers while they contemplate heading out to watch some unexpected fireworks. They have just received their beers and are about to be seated at the only empty table in the bar...

The G-Man (pointing at the table): Let's grab that table.
OBG: Sure.
Obnoxious Chick who looks like a blonde Mary Alice* (has just walked into the bar with two guys and, upon noticing the empty table, makes a beeline for it, rudely rushing past OBG and The G-Man): Great, an empty table. How convenient. Let's blow past this foolish standing couple with beers in hand so me and my boys men will now be able to rest our fat tired asses as we consume our beverages, which we haven't ordered yet. Because we just walked through the door.**
OBG: What the fuck?
The G-Man: I told you to grab that table.
OBG (shoots angry glare at trio as they sit down).

OBG and The G-Man now find themselves staking out the bar, ready to pounce on some seats that are about to be vacated. They are literally standing behind the soon-to-be empty stools. The people (there are four of them) proceed to pay, get up from their stools, and head towards the exit, momentarily blocking OBG and The G-Man from their now empty stools.

Obnoxious Chick (to one of the two guys with her): Quick. Grab those stools so we can sit at the bar.  
Guy #1 (bolts up from his seat and proceeds to dive onto the stool OBG has her hand on): Oh. (Looks at OBG and The G-Man) Did you want to sit here?
OBG: Uh... yeah. We did.
The G-Man: Why do you think we're standing here?
OBG: Isn't it enough that you totally stole our table?***
Guy #1 (Timidly returning to his table, about four feet away): Oh.

OBG and The G-Man proceed to be seated at the bar, OBG on the left, The G-Man on the right, beers in hand, and return to their conversation. OBG soon feels a tap on her left shoulder.

Obnoxious Chick (pointing at a stool to the right of The G-Man which is presently occupied by the murse of the man seated to the right of the murse's stool): Do you think you can move down a stool so we can have your stool?
OBG (taking a sip from her beer without looking up): No. That stool's takin'.
Obnoxious Chick: Oh.

OBG and The G-Man return to their conversation and beers. OBG suddenly feels a disturbance within her personal space on her left. OBG turns to see what the fuck is going on. Obnoxious Chick, Guy #1 and Guy #2 have succeeded in snagging another stool from another table and Guy #1 is attempting to push the stool into a space half the size of the stool and knocking OBG's stool and her elbow in the process.

OBG (shoots angry glare at trio).
Guy #1 (Showing some fear, to his credit): Can you move over so we can sit?
OBG (Displaying an immense amount of patience, to her credit): No. I can't move over any further. (Proceeds to demonstrate and succeeds in moving her stool far enough over to get her leg stuck between her stool and The G-Man's stool) Fu-uck.
Gregarious (completely oblivious to the going ons to the left of OBG): What are you doing? Here let me move over for you.
In-Head OBG: Gee, thanks. Where were you 30 seconds ago?

Approximately two beers later and numerous snide, sideways stares from the Seat-Stealing trio, OBG and The G-Man have now been joined by SMcG, JMarg, JMarg's parents and brother, and Mr. and Mrs. Jessepeake. SMcG and JMarg are celebrating their recent marriage. Recent as in, it just happened. As in, they literally just walked up from the waterfront where they exchanged their vows with a Justice of the Peace (FYI, but not really relevant: OBG and The G-Man met SMcG through Unfortunate One and have only hung a couple of times together, which is why OBG and The G-Man were not in attendance at the ceremony. In fact, the only people who were in attendance were the ones who just entered the bar). SMcG is currently introducing everyone.

OBG (looks over at The G-Man and notices that he is on his phone. Again.): Are you looking up the fireworks?
The G-Man: What? Oh, no. I'm making arrangements with the guys for hockey next weekend.
OBG: What? Seriously? Is that something you need to do now?
The G-Man: Well I have to start early if I want people to play.
OBG (gestures towards SMcG, who is trying to make introductions): Uh. We're kind of in the middle of something. Isn't that kind of rude?
The G-Man (puts phone away): Oh. Yeah.

Next time on OBG...

...will The G-Man ever learn to keep the phone in his pocket during social situations? Did OBG get to see the fireworks this time? (Editor's Note: She did. Sort of.) How many times did OBG have Marilyn moments while walking over the floor vent at Bilboa Baggins before she learned to hold her skirt down on the way to the bathroom? (Editor's Note: Much to the entertainment of the bar, as the number of beers she consumed increased, her awareness of the vent decreased.) Was OBG's hangover the next day severe enough to keep her from getting out of the house?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. But hopefully it will be more exciting than this episode. One can only dream. 

* By no means am I trying to insult Mary Alice. I happen to really like Mary Alice as well as her style. I was merely trying to give you a picture of the Obnoxious Chick.
** Funny story, the girl sitting at the table next to the Seat-Stealing Trio saw the scene go down and snidely asked to the Obnoxious Chick, "You do know you aren't going to get table service, right? You have to go to the bar to order your drinks." I wanted to hug her after seeing the look of disgust on Obnoxious Girl's face.
*** Obviously he didn't get the PMS memo.

1 comment:

Steve G. said...

I hate rude people who try to jump on a table while you're waiting for someone to clear out. It happens to me often, since a local bar is always pretty crowded.

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