shhh... it's a secret

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Previously on OBG... 1.7

(Ed. Note: This should have been posted yesterday and then followed up by Random Shit Tuesday, but since the internet was out all day yesterday, today will be a twofer. Or a BOGO. Whatever you want to call it, you can expect the RST post later on in the day.)

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event.

When we last left OBG...

... she had rediscovered the joys of having access to an Xbox 360, survived abuse at the hands (stares) of Cub Scouts, had a brief yet monumental emotional breakdown which may or may not have been brought on by too many job conversations with the G-Man, and had an enjoyable evening bowling.

We now join OBG watching HGTV in the living room on a Friday night with the G-Man.
The G-Man: When's your birthday?
In-Head OBG: Say what now? Did he just ask me when my birthday is? Haven't we gone over this a million times before? I mean, we've known each other for over 9 years now, you would think he would know. I bet I could call up Unfortunate One right now, who I've known just as long, and he'd know when my birthday is. In fact, I bet even Thing Two could at least get the correct month, and I've only really known him for a little over a year. Oh. Maybe he wants to know what the date is. I could understand that. I often forget the date of people's birthdays all the time.
OBG: Do you mean the month or the date?
The G-Man: The month.
In-Head OBG: What the fuck?
OBG: January, why?
The G-Man: Oh. Well, I had a cool idea for a birthday present for you.
In-Head OBG: A birthday present?
OBG: A birthday present?
The G-Man: Yeah, but I guess Christmas will come first.
OBG: It usually does.
In-Head OBG: Damn. I should have said September.

It is now early Saturday morning and since insomnia has poked its ugly head into OBG's sleepy time, OBG has decided, for the first time in... well... ever, to get up and make the morning coffee. 
OBG (to the dog lying in the hallway): Come on, Kylie*, let's go downstairs and make some breakfast.
Kylie (gets up and heads into the G-Man's room): [snort]
OBG: Oh, I see how it is. When it's just the two of us home, we're best friends, but as soon as there's a man in the house, you want nothing to do with me. Typical.

After struggling with trying to figure out how to not only use but also open the fancy-schmancy Cuisinart coffee maker, OBG has successfully made coffee, her breakfast and has also discovered the Boomerang channel. We now join OBG on her way upstairs to inform the G-Man that she made coffee.
OBG (to the dog lying in the hallway): Hey Kylie.
Kylie (gets up and bolts into the G-Man's room): [scoff, snort]
OBG (entering the G-Man's room): Hey, I made coffee. And the dog is acting like a thirteen year middle school girl.

{Flashback to Monday}
The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

{Flashback to Tuesday}
The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.
{Flashback to Wednesday}
The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.

{Flashback to Thursday}
The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.
{Flashback to Friday}
The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me on Saturday?
OBG: Absolutely not.
Later in the day on Saturday...
The G-Man: Want to go to the gun show with me today?
OBG: [heavy sigh] Fine.
After having survived the gun show and the bowling later on in the evening, we know join OBG and the G-Man in the living room, drinking coffee, Sunday morning.
The G-Man: I want to do something outside today.
OBG (pretending she's not hungover): That's great. It's beautiful out today.
The G-Man: I want to go walk some trails at the [something-or-another] Park. Want to go?
OBG: As in, hiking?
The G-Man: No, as in walking. Just on some flat trails through the woods.
OBG: Can't I just lay outside and read?
The G-Man: C'mon, it'll be fun.
OBG: Am I going to sweat?
The G-Man: I don't know.
OBG: Fine.

An hour or so later, OBG emerges from the bedroom wearing her cute little green plaid shorts and her cute white top with the embroidered flowers. Just then the G-Man emerges from his room in what can only be described as hiking clothes.
OBG: Uh, those look like serious hiking clothes.
The G-Man: What? Oh, well there's this trail I want to hike, and...
OBG: Hike? I thought this was a leisurely walk through the forest?
The G-Man: Walk. Whatever. Hiking's a relative term.
OBG: Uh, not really. Am I going to want to change?
The G-Man: Yeah, probably.
OBG: Are my boobs going to sweat?
The G-Man: Uh, I guess so.
OBG: Ugh. Fuck this shit.
The G-Man: Did you just say "Fuck this"?
OBG: No?

Next time on OBG...
... Did OBG's boobs sweat? Even though a brewing storm altered their plans, did the G-Man and OBG still go "walking" through the forest? Is "hiking" a relative term? And what's this about a gun show that we keep hearing about? Will OBG ever get her teaching portfolio complete in time for her interview? Will Kylie ever love OBG more than the men of the house? Will OBG ever remember to watch Project Runway this season? 

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. 

* Kylie is the real name of the dog. It didn't seem necessary to give her a pseudonym as it is highly unlikely, as a dog, she will ever be visiting this blog. It is also highly unlikely that any of you reading this might know her in real-life, unless you're Upstairs Mike**, in which case, Kylie belongs to you, and OBG apologizes for comparing your dog to a teenage girl. 
** Not to be confused with Downstairs Mike. Both Mikes reside in the same house as OBG but you will rarely ever hear about them since they are rarely ever home. Apparently they have jobs that require them to fly to far off places like India and Germany and Paris and Austin. Whatever. Oh, and yes, both of their names are Mike, but since it is highly unlikely that they read this blog or that any of you know them, who cares?


Stacie's Madness said...

BUAHA the title caught me...

"previously on obg..."

my mind went on like this...

"previously on obgyn..."

what? lmfao.

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Stacie's Madness- The similarities have not gone unnoticed by me. I think I'm okay with it. Naming a blog must be like naming a child... never name your child Virginia Agatha Green or Nathan Andrew Drew or Katherine Kelley Kendrick...

Steve G. said...

Ohmygod I hate hiking so much. Yet, every woman I seem to attract loves it and camping, so I often have to at least tolerate it. In the abstract, it seems like a nice idea - You and your lady, out in nature, with the birds chirping. In practice, you get bit by 100,000 mosquito, it's too hot or cold and it rains, and even if you do want to get "amorous" you're not going to do it on the ground or in the bushes.

cbs111 said...

I look forward to these previously on...posts. It's like a little little blog tv show. And boob sweat is the worst!

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