shhh... it's a secret

Monday, August 30, 2010

Please Don't Puke in the Porta-Potty (aka Previously on OBG...)

           
Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

When we last left OBG...

[Editor's Note: Uh... I have a job now, biotches, I don't have time to recap my life for you. If you must have a recap, I recommend you scroll on down to the archive on the right. Oh, and please forgive the new format. This wasn't originally intended to be a "Previously On" post, so just go with it.]
      
We now join OBG on a "camping trip" this past weekend which turned out to be more of a hippie/redneck music festival in a field than it was a camping trip. 

It's Friday night, around 8:00pm, the car is all packed up and ready to go for the "camping trip." OBG is in the driver's seat and the G-Man is in the passenger's (they're taking OBG's car because it's bigger). They are about to depart for Gore, VA but must first stop for ice, beer, crackers and gas. The GPS gets plugged in and programmed for their destination...

OBG: Whoa. It's going to take us nearly two hours to get there?
The G-Man: Oh. I guess so. Let me check. (opens up smart phone and does some fancy thumb work.) Yeah. Guess it will.
OBG: We're not going to get there until at least 10:30.
The G-Man: Huh. (thinks) I'm hungry.
OBG: Me too.
The G-Man: Huh. (thinks)
[crickets]
[sun begins setting]
[more crickets] 
The G-Man: Want to go grab some pizza and beer and just leave tomorrow morning?
OBG: Sure.

We now join OBG and the G-Man on Saturday, chilaxing with a beer after having arrived at the "camp site" (i.e. the field) and successfully set up camp with no unexpected surprises (E.g. missing stakes, bloody toes, raised voices).

OBG: Now what?
The G-Man: Well... now we go and introduce ourselves to our neighbors. [Ed's note: Neighbors being the six other "camps" set up within spitting distance of our "camp".]
OBG: Say what now?
The G-Man: You know, go say hi, introduce ourselves...
OBG: Fuck that. Camping is supposed to be about privacy and getting away from other people.
The G-Man: C'mon. It'll be fun.
OBG: I think your definition of fun, and camping, is completely different than mine. Fuck. I need to finish this beer first.

The G-Man has now led OBG to a van/camp behind their own "camp" and up the hill a bit. They proceed to introduce themselves to the Modern Day Hippies (MDH) who belong to the van/camp. [Ed's Note: MDH being people who believe in natural, at-home births but also cite Michael Jackson as a parental role model. Kid you not. MDH being people who chose to become vegetarians because they don't want to pollute their bodies with nasty chemicals but then proceed to down three cans of Mt. Dew. Excuse me. *Diet* Mt. Dew. MDH being people who are camping in a field, allow their 7-month old to crawl on the ground, share *tobacco* pipes with strangers, but also carry around a gallon jug of hand sanitizer that they insist everyone visiting their camp use every ten minutes so as not to expose their baby to nasty germs. Just thought we should all be on the same page with my definition of MDH].

MDH Male: My name is Sonny [Ed's Note: Sunny?].
MDH Female: Hi, I'm Melody.
Sonny: And you are?
OBG: Hi, I'm April [Ed's Note: Like you all didn't already know that].
Sonny: April, huh? Is that your first name or your middle name?
OBG: Uh... my first name.
Sonny: Oh. What is your middle name?
OBG: Uh, M------ [Ed's Note: Like I'm going to tell you that, dear readers. Ha. Now I sound like Stephen King].
Sonny: M------... April M------. Is that your real name? Like, were you born with it?
OBG: Uh... yeah.
Sonny: Oh.
In-head OBG: What the fuck?

A few minutes later...

Melody: Giving birth at home was the most transcendental experience ever. Like, it takes you to a whole other plane of consciousness.
Sonny: And there were no hospital bills, and we didn't have to sign anything.
Melody: We had to sign that contract with the mid-wife.
Sonny: Right, but we didn't have to pay anything.
Melody: It did cost $3500. But we didn't take any birthing classes.
Sonny: Except for that one we started at the hospital.
Melody: Right, but we quit after they asked, "Who knows what end of the bottle goes in the baby's mouth?"
Sonny: Right, which is a huge insult to anyone with internet.
In-head OBG: What the fuck?

Later...

Sonny: I don't ruin my mind with TV.
Melody: Sometimes you do.
Sonny: Right, well,  I am excited the new NFL season is beginning. I love the Redskins.
Melody: And it's unbelievable how different the game is when watching it on our 37" flat-screen TV.
In-head OBG: Say what now?

Three beers, one tasty burger, one nap and one trip to the porta-potties later...
    
The G-Man: Want another beer?
OBG: Has a clean bathroom with toilet paper magically appeared in the field?
The G-Man: No.
OBG: No thanks then.

Later in the evening...

The G-Man: Want a beer?
OBG: Has a clean bathroom with toilet paper magically appeared in the field?
The G-Man: No.
OBG: No thanks then.

[Ed's Note: You get the idea, right? I don't have to further illustrate for you that no liquids passed my lips at all for the rest of the night after I took that last trip to the porta-potties at 7pm, right? Good.]

Later in the evening, around eleven pm, OBG and the G-Man have wandered down to the stage to hear the headlining, Grateful Dead cover band. OBG, dead sober, is trying to stay warm while avoiding being tackled by the "dancing", not-so sober people around her.
        
In-head OBG: What the fuck am I doing here? I don't even really *like* the Dead. Would it be rude if I went to bed now?

Later in the evening, around one am, after another tasty burger had been consumed and the last band was still performing...
     
OBG: Now what?
The G-Man: I'm kind of tired.
OBG: Me too! I mean, yeah, I'm kind of sleepy.
The G-Man: I'm thinking of going to bed.
OBG: Me too, but I didn't want to be rude. Or sound old.

And it was at this moment when OBG and the G-Man realized that their days of attending musical field festivals were probably numbered. Well, it was actually the following morning when they were sipping their coffee around the propane grill and reminiscing about the previous night's events, like when the high school kids stopped by at one point and were making obscure and unknown drug references that OBG and the G-Man just sort of nodded along with, or like when a beer pong tournament was occurring next door and OBG and the G-Man couldn't be bothered to go over and play, or like when OBG really, really wanted S'Mores but had no desire to intrude on someone else's fire pit [Ed's note: Our "camp" didn't have a fire pit. Our "camp" being the only flat spot under a tree left in the field when we arrived], or like when OBG stopped consuming liquids for twelve hours so she wouldn't have to use the nasty porta-potties or pee in the woods at night [Ed's note: I did use the porta-potties the next morning and was disgusted to see that someone had puked in them. I mean, hello! We were IN A FIELD that was surrounded by woods. What douche-bag pukes in a porta-John instead of IN THE FIELD?]

*Sigh*

Did I mention I have a job now? And furthermore, does anyone know what a "Molly" is?

9 comments:

erin said...

I loved these posts and I hate those modern hippies...and am horribly afraid that I am one of them!!!
AH!!!!

jules said...

Camping. Ugh! I would have just pee'd outside. I hate porta potties too!

Didactic Pirate said...

Don't go thinkin' that just because y'all gots a JOB and such now, that you don't hafta tell us about yer everyday no more.

That dog won't hunt.

Patricia ~ The Naked Writer said...

maybe a molly is like giving someone an insult like you are so molly ringwald...you know cause she used to be hot and popular but no longer is now?? just a guess..
this was a great post to read...i used to have a friend who would never eat meat and made such a big stink about it in between puffing on his crack pipe but when i pointed out the fact that a crack head shouldn't be pointing out the error of the ways of others, he didn't understand why!!!
i too think that camping should be to get away from everyone...far far away...not to socialize with your neighbours...yet when i did this by myself in mount washington...just me and nature for a few days, it was the most boring time i ever had and i learned that i need a man to make fire cause i just don't get it!

One Blonde Girl said...

@ Erin- Do you have a beat up van that you've only driven to a musical filed festival once and normally drive a domestic sedan? Then you might be an MDH.

@ jules- Normally I would too, however, all the tents were lined up along the woods and in order to pee in the woods it would have required walking through other peoples camps. And the moon was bright that night, so peeing in the field would have led to more exposure than my sober self was comfy with,

@ DP- You're right, but it's been a crazy couple of days trying to learn the ins and outs of two different schools in an entirely new state. I'll try to do better.

@ The Naked Writer- Molly was referred to as some drug the teens are doing nowadays. Crazy teens.

Patricia ~ The Naked Writer said...

oh and congrats on the job!! teaching i presume?

Shelley Weber said...

well, I have peed in some very precarious places... but for some reason i do not include porta potties on that list. gross!! Id rather pee outside!

Shelley Weber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
International Woman of Mystery said...

Love the Modern Day Hippie Definition! So true!

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