shhh... it's a secret

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Got Me Some Tickets to That There Gun Show

Since you've all Steve G.'s been dying to hear about the gun show I attended on Saturday, here ya go. (FYI- I didn't take any of these pictures. I had my camera with me but I was too afraid to take it out. Some pics were taken from the gun show's website. Others were swiped from Google images.)


Last Saturday I attended The Nation's Gun Show in Chantilly, VA with the G-Man. I knew that there wasn't even a tiny fraction of me that wanted to go to the gun show. I knew that it would be painful and torturous and would come quite close to being as horrific as that awful time I was dragged to InfoComm in Orlando last year. Boy was I ever wrong. The Nation's Gun Show was a hundred times worse than InfoComm where at least they had flashy lights to distract me, TVs to entertain me, and AV geeks to ogle after me. And there was free booze and food and an entirely free, catered party at the Hard Rock Cafe to get smashed at. And when I had had enough of the actual InfoComm event (and I was only there for an hour) I was able to sit by the pool for the rest of the week. Heck. I even got to go to Sea World. The Nation's Gun Show? Not so much fun.

The gun show was loaded.

First of all, I was told that we wouldn't be at the show for long, which in my mind, meant no more than an hour. In reality it meant that we were there for an hour and a half, made it through only half of the show, took a break for a late lunch, and then returned for another hour and a half for the rest of the show. To say that it was the worst experience of my life might be stretching it a bit, but not by much. For the ease of reading, I've broken down the highlights and lowlights of the gun show into some handy dandy lists.

 If only it were this empty when we were there. Whatever. It still would have sucked.

Things That Shocked Me About the Gun Show
  1. It cost $12 per adult to get in (I did not pay for my ticket).
  2. People were walking around with guns slung over their shoulders.
  3. People were walking around with descriptions of said guns taped to their bodies in case anyone was interested in buying them.
  4. There was a lot of Nazi paraphernalia. I mean, a lot.
  5. I didn't get hit on at all. Not once. (This is a good thing. Usually at events where there are a lot of a particular kind of man in attendance all women get hit on).
  6. There were very few women in attendance.
  7. Most of the women in attendance were pregnant.
  8. There was very little camo.
  9. There were a lot of American Eagle polo shirts.

 Apparently there's a large market for Nazi souvenirs.
 
Things That I Hated About the Gun Show
  1. My claustrophobia kicked into high gear.
  2. As a result of my claustrophobia, my anxiety level was through the roof.
  3. It was impossible to walk around with out bumping into at least three other people while doing so.
  4. There were a lot of overweight men there.
  5. There was a lot of body odor.
  6. There was a lot of man cleavage.
  7. There was a lot of butt cleavage.
  8. I'm pretty sure there were Klan members in attendance.
  9. I'm pretty sure everyone there were McCain and Palin supporters (well, maybe not Palin, she is a woman after all, and the only place a woman should be is in the kitchen).
  10. I'm pretty sure there were many wife beaters in attendance.
  11. We were told that New York was a communist state (actually, I wasn't told this, the G-Man was, as no one at the show spoke to or looked directly at me. Good times).

 This guy probably wasn't there, but if he had been, I'm sure he would have fit right in.

Things That Entertained Me About the Gun Show
  1. People watching.
  2. Identifying the serial killers.
  3. Being ignored by every single vendor there.
  4. Not having to feign interest in anything people were selling.

DUE TO PUBLIC SAFETY ISSUES AND INSURANCE REQUIREMENTS, THERE WILL BE NO LOADED GUNS, OR MAGAZINES, ALLOWED ON THE SHOW FLOOR. THIS APPLIES TO VENDORS AS WELL AS THE GENERAL PUBLIC. SORRY, BUT WITHOUT MEETING THE INSURANCE REQUIREMENTS THE SHOW CANNOT GO ON, AND AS MUCH AS WE MIGHT AGREE ( or disagree ) WITH YOUR OBJECTIONS, WE MUCH PREFER TO CONTINUE THE SHOW IN SPITE OF THIS SMALL INCONVENIENCE. THIS MATTER IS NOT OUR POLICY OR DECISION, BUT WE CANNOT AND WILL NOT CHANGE IT OR MAKE EXCEPTIONS.     
The gun show Word of Caution
  
The place was packed, folks. I mean, wall-to-wall rednecks/meat heads/douchebags. I spent most of the time trying to find quiet little corners of empty space among the vendors' booths to hide in. In fact, the entire time we were there, I touched a total of two things (three if you count madly clutching my purse. Four if you count madly gripping the back of the G-Man's shirt lest I be sucked into a sea of overweight, stinky, Republicans)- 1) a collection of wartime advertisements and 2) a beautiful dragonfly fabric some gun vendor was using as a table cloth.

The only thing I was interested in at the gun show. The vendor probably thought I was a weirdo.


It would probably come as no surprise to you all that I insisted we get out of there ASAP. If I never attend another gun show in my life, it will be too soon.

4 comments:

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I would have insisted on a bullet proof vest. Last gun show I went to..many years ago...in the south..they sold beer. Rednecks, beer and guns. That's an episode of COPS right there.

McGriddle Pants said...

i went to a gun show with mr. man once. VERY interesting. and despite the overall "manness" there, i'm sure there were at least 30294 Palin supporters there. She likes GUNS!

Yeah, they suck, and its funny, and utterly sad all at once. Its very unnerving

hiphophippie.com said...

Holy shit, I'm simultaneously jealous and horrified. And I need that table cloth in many forms.

jules said...

I'm totally horrified by this idea. I mean, they SAID they could not be loaded, but I would totally be uncomfortable all day!

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