shhh... it's a secret

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

"It wasn't me, Officer, I swear. And you can't prove that it was... oh."

   
The other day I headed into the office of one of my schools and walked in on the middle of a serious conversation. 

The Administrative Assistant (aka "Head Secretary") was relaying a story to the Principal about something that happened when she and a couple of the other secretaries were in the back soccer field for their daily walk. 

While out for their stroll, they stumbled upon part of the chain-link fence that had been torn down by an automobile, which they had concluded based on the tire tracks that had ripped up the entire soccer field.

The Principal, very concerned, stated that this incident needed to be immediately reported to Security. She also expressed that she hoped, but doubted, that they would be able to catch the person(s) who had damaged the fields. 

At this point the Admin. Assist. stood up and said, "Oh, I don't think that should be a problem" as she pulled something out from behind her desk and dropped it onto the counter.

That's right, folks, the vandals had left behind their license plate. Mounting system and all. 

And for the record, some principals just don't have a sense of humor. Especially when someone suggests to them, during a conversation about something as serious as vandalism, that maybe someone should report the incident to Dumb Criminals.

Monday, September 27, 2010

If this is how the day is going to start...

   
Dear Blogger:

Why, why, why must you automatically save my drafts so quickly? Why, when I make a mistake, and hit Ctrl Z one too many times must that last time delete my entire post that I spent hours working on? And then, when I try to recover it, I am unable to because you automatically saved the deletion mere seconds after I made the oopsie? 

I am not happy. It is your fault (and yes, admittedly, partially mine as well) that my "Previously on OBG" post will not be seen today. And it was a good one too. Well, it might have been. We'll never know now, will we? For all we know that post would have been the one to finally get me the attention and followers I've been yearning for (but not really. I read that post. It wasn't that great).

Thanks, Blogger. Thanks.

Sincerely,

One Blonde Girl

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Behind the Music: The Anti-Electrics

    
They were about to embark on a journey together. Fulfilling a life-long dream. Little did they know it would change their lives forever. 

One boring, lonely weekend in suburbia hell, Malcolm and Tori found themselves agreeing to form a band. And not just any band, oh no, they were forming a rock band. Their prior knowledge of being in a band was limited. Malcolm once played organ at his church and had spent many weekends with friends playing guitar in their living rooms. Tori had once played clarinet in her school's band in middle school. Neither one of them could sing, so they immediately agreed to look outside their coupling for vocals. They chose their instruments easily enough, Malcolm on guitar and Tori on drums. Settling on a name would prove to be much more difficult.

After tossing around various different ideas, Malcolm suggested "Fuzzy Electric Peaches" while Tori wanted "The Fraggles". 

"'Fuzzy Electric Peaches' evoked images of hairy vaginas in my mind. I really didn't want our fans to associate us with twats sporting five o'clock shadows. I was against that name from the start," claims Tori.

She told Malcolm as much too, and he explained that that was the whole point of the name. Seeing no compromise in sight, Tori suggested they decide what direction they wanted their band to head in, theorizing that this would make the name choice easier.

Malcolm saw folk rock in their future. Tori was envisioning alternative/punk rock.

As legend tells it, Tori became exasperated and discouraged by her and Malcolm's differences and feared for the fate of their band before it even had a chance to exist. She told Malcolm to go ahead and name the band whatever he wanted, but for the record, she was "anti-Electric".

And a band was born, and they called themselves The Anti-Electrics.

"I was okay with the new name, but I insisted we add the 'the' to it," interviews Tori, "All great bands have 'the' in their names, The White Stripes, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, The Black Keys, The Shins."

The Anti-Electrics began their tour in New York City, where the crowd received them well enough. As a cover band, Malcolm and Tori discovered creating a set list was no easy task. Malcolm favored The Beastie Boys and Survivor while Tori preferred the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bikini Kill and Interpol. They agreed on Beck, Radiohead and Talking Heads.

As their skill level and ability to please the crowd increased, so did The Anti-Electrics' consumption of whiskey and beer during performances.

"I wouldn't say our alcohol use really affected our performances at the start, but I did notice as we gradually began booking more shows, our stage fright disappeared and our awkward nervousness became nonexistent. I think, in the beginning, the booze really helped to loosen us up and make our performances more entertaining." Tori laughs, "I remember this one show, it was between sets, and Malcolm and I were joking around backstage and I remember we had had a few drinks, and I couldn't find my drumsticks, and I said to Malcolm, 'Hey, man, have you seen my guitar sticks?'" Tori chuckles, "To this day I still refer to them as my 'guitar sticks'. It became a running inside joke between Mal and I, you know?"

As their popularity grew, so did their need to hire a manager. Much to Malcolm's dismay, The Anti-Electrics decided to hire a real manager, resulting in the firing of his mother. 

"I remember Malcolm took that pretty hard," interviews Pete, former vocalist for The Anti-Electrics, "I had only been with the band for a few months, I think I was the third, no, maybe the fourth singer they had hired, any ways, I started with the band just when its popularity took off and we were in need of a real manager. Mal's mom had been doing the job for years, but she just wasn't able to bring in the big shows."

Now booking shows in cities like Boston and Chicago, The Anti-Electrics were quickly becoming a household name. As the pressure to put on stellar performances increased, so did the distance between the band's founding members. 

"You know, from day one we wanted to go in different directions. We tried to compromise with our song selections, but it was hard for both of us to play certain sets. I remember there were plenty of times Mal had to carry the set on stage. I just couldn't get into the groove, you know? But, then again, there were times when the crowd was on the verge of booing him off stage. Looking back on it now, I guess I should have known in Boston that the pressure was really beginning to come between us," Tori interviews.

The fame began affecting Malcolm and creating resentment within the band. Malcolm started spending the band's money frivolously and took to performing shirtless. Tori retreated further into the comforts of her own punk/goth style while the image of the band changed as frequently as the band's lead singer and bassist. It wasn't unusual for fans to attend two shows in the same week and discover that half of the members had been replaced in between shows. Again.

At the end of their tour in Boston, The Anti-Electrics finally fell apart. 

"We'd been at it forever, it seemed. It was just one show after another. We were drinking too much, eating too little and Mal had taken to doing drugs in between sets. Nothing serious, just a little Mary Jane here and there, but it was definitely affecting his ability to perform on stage," Molly, former singer for The Anti-Electrics, explains. "Tori was really holding her own out there, and she was always the most energetic performer on stage. I know she was ready to continue the tour onto Chicago and even San Francisco, but it just wasn't meant to be."

The crumbling of The Anti-Electrics was even becoming evident to hard-core fans and dedicated crew. Shows were frequently being interrupted, often in the middle of songs, to replace old, malfunctioning instruments and equipment.
"No one wanted to come out and blame Malcolm for the problems the band was having, but we all knew the truth. We all knew," claims Rat, a former roadie for The Anti-Electrics.

After only a short time touring together, Malcolm finally admitted to the band that he wanted to end the tour early so he could "take a break." Tori, who'd been with him from the beginning, took it the hardest.

Tori reminisces, "It hurt, it really did. I don't want to say it wasn't expected, we all knew it was coming, but I was hoping we could at least make it to Chicago before Mal bailed out. He was struggling though, and our music was suffering. Despite it all, we had good times together. Good times."

Since the band's break-up, Tori has become a rock journalist, chronicling the lives of bands much like The Anti-Electrics, cover-bands with big dreams and even bigger underlying resentments and grudges. In the heart of their career, The Anti-Electrics hired and fired a total of eight lead singers and an equal number of bassists, all of whom have moved on to better things. Malcolm hasn't made a public appearance since The Anti-Electrics last show in Boston. Some believe he has found comfort in his bed, much like Brian Wilson had. Tori remains hopeful.

"I'd still like to believe that The Anti-Electrics will reunite and go on tour again. I have hope that we will make it to Chicago and maybe even San Francisco someday. I'm not giving up." Tori holds up her hands and winks, "These hands will hold guitar sticks once again, man, you can be sure of that."

VH1 has no affiliation with this blog.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Previously on OBG... 1.9

                       
Although inspired in part by a true incident, 
the following story is fictional 
and does not depict any actual person or event...
except that it does.

When we last left OBG...

... she was terrified that she was going to kill off her blog because she's a working stiff now with a real job. She was toeing the racist line and had already managed to isolate herself from the group of people who were supposed to be her support group throughout her first year teaching in the county. She's been working her butt off at work, often arriving before 8:00am and leaving around 5:30-6:00pm. With at least an hour commute both ways, OBG was feeling the pains of commuting after only two weeks. Seeing as how OBG and the G-Man work a few streets away from each other, they felt carpooling together once or twice a week would be wise.

We now join OBG on Friday morning setting off for work with the G-Man on their trial run of car pooling.

OBG (with an unusually high amount of early morning cheeriness): Isn't this exciting? 
The G-Man (skeptical): What?
OBG: Carpooling!
The G-Man: Oh, yeah. It'll sure make traffic a lot more tolerable with someone else in the car.
OBG (with a naive amount of giddiness): And you get to Kiss 'n Ride me too!
The G-Man: ...
OBG: ...

Having quickly recovered from the TWSS moment (Ed's Note: A goodie, no doubt, but still not good enough to outdo the OBG TWSS golden oldie moment of '07) we now join OBG, on Sunday morning, eating breakfast in the kitchen with the G-Man, Upstairs Mike and Upstairs Mike's kids, the Asian Dumplings.*

The G-Man:

Ms. OBG: When, boys and girls, would you want your feet to be really fast? (taps quiet Kindergarten girl, who is sitting criss-crossed applesauce with her hand raised, on the head with her magic wand)
Kindergarten Girl: Your eyes are oval shaped.
Ms. OBG: Uh... yes, yes they are... great observation...
In-Head OBG: Where were you 40 minutes ago when I asked the class what objects were shaped like ovals? Geez, kid, try to keep up, would ya?

Next time on OBG...
... Was the carpooling a success? Will OBG carpool with the G-Man again even though she spent a majority of the ride with her eyes closed tight while in great fear for her life? Is Upstairs Mike really that sexist (Ed's Note: Uh, yeah, it appears so)? Why did the dog of the house insist on waking OBG up at a quarter of one in the morning, begging to go outside? Is OBG really getting sick? Will the source of her sickness ever be discovered (Ed's Note: Uh, yeah, it was, you can read about it here at Art Teachers Hate Glitter)? Will Kindergartners ever learn to pay attention?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way. 

* (Ed's Note: For the record, this is not a nickname I gave the kids, but a nickname that was already bestowed upon them prior to my arrival)

Hold the phone, folks, I think something must be wrong with your TIVO (What do you mean, "How do you know we TIVOed this episode of Previously on OBG?" Hello! Previously on OBG episodes air on Mondays, unless I'm mistaken, it is now Friday, so...). It seems your TIVO botched again and lost half of this episode. Either that, or someone forgot the blatantly sexist story they were going to tell and quickly had to cover it up with a funny classroom story. Personally, I think it's your TIVO.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Wordless who-ha now?

    

Today I had a fifth grade student in my art room who was wearing a purple and grey plaid skirt with a black and white stripe boat neck, 3/4 sleeve tee. Can we say awesome?

I have discovered a fellow Project Runway fan, folks (she confirmed my theory on this), even though she is in fifth grade. It's always good to have something to bond with your students about. 

And here I was afraid I was going to have to catch up on Spongebob episodes.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Forgive me while I ramble

 
This work shit seems to be getting the best of me right now. I know that in a few weeks all the Beginning of the School Year (BOSY) crap will die down, and I'll have some free time again, but in the meantime, I'm dealing with BOSY crap in three different schools. Three schools that couldn't be any different, which I already babbled about here.

And while we're on the topic, can I just say that I'm terribly afraid this job is going to make me racist? I am, guys. Without getting into any specifics, I must say that there are a couple days a week in which my job is so much easier and my psyche is so much happier then, well, three other days of the week. It all comes down to student behavior and their cooperation in my classroom. One school I work at has a significantly more cooperative and responsive student body than the other two. While trying to figure out why, I concluded that I'm dangerously close to drawing racist conclusions. I think it might be time to reevaluate my approach with the other two schools because I do not want to become the ignorant person/teacher who has favorites based on race. I do not, do not, DO NOT want to become that person.

Source
Moving on...

I find myself heading to Target shortly to pick up a few items for my classroom; a timer, a magic wand and chimes. *Sigh* The life of an elementary art teacher, where you're expected to perform magic everyday. All part of the new strategy. I'm going to find something that'll work, dammit.

On a completely unrelated topic, still waiting on my driver's license to arrive and hating every happy hour I miss day I don't have it. In case you don't remember, or maybe I never mentioned it, I lost my license while in DC a couple of weekends ago. The worst part was that I wasn't even drunk, or in DC to get drunk. We were in DC for sushi and I'm pretty sure it fell out of my pocket while I was using the bathroom. Unfortunately, when I realized I had lost it (when we tried entering a different establishment after dinner for a "one for the road" beer), the sushi place was so packed, I couldn't even find the bathroom when I went back. Now I'm just waiting for a new one to arrive from New York.

Um... so I have so much to report on, whenever I can manage to find the time. There's a giveaway I won awhile a back and a contest I won as well that I never mentioned. Not that you necessarily care, but I like to spread the word, so-to-speak, on these sorts of things. Plus, I have a Saturday feature I started working on months ago that has yet to see the light. Maybe someday. My "Previously On" posts have been few and far between, and while I've managed to keep up on "Random Shit Tuesday" (more or less) they've certainly been lacking. I haven't had an "I ♥ Etsy" post in ages and it seems like I've completely forgotten that there are days after Tuesday in which I can post. And holy shit, when was the last time I shared my musical tastes with you all?

*Sigh*

This just in... who decided we needed to redesign the dollar bill, and why would we even consider letting the British to do it? Apparently there was a contest for this or something, and now people can vote for a redesign? I don't know how I feel about this, but it's trending towards not good. I haven't heard much on the subject.

You can read more about it here (although it doesn't really provide all that much information), and if anyone has anymore information on this (like, is it for real?) please pass it on. Thanks.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

You probably forgot this...

   
...but I'm an art teacher again. I used the last of my Wednesday brain cells (I've started rationing them) on a post over at Art Teachers Hate Glitter. Check it out. 


And can I just take a moment here to say, Kindergartner farts in Virginia smell just as bad as the ones in New York. What on earth are you people feeding your five year olds?
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