Music Monday: MMW

    

Alive II: The Carnivorous Cruise

   

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This morning on the Today Show, Matt Lauer interviewed a honeymooning couple who were aboard the Carnival Cruise ship that was stranded at sea for 4 days. Unfortunately, I found myself still drinking my cup of coffee when the interview came on and was thus witness to the tale this couple told of the ordeal they endured. In case you missed it, here's a snippet of the interview that really brought home the extent of the hardship the passengers experienced. Paraphrased, of course. My thoughts to follow.

Matt Lauer: What was it exactly that you ate in order to stay alive?
New Bride: CEREAL!!! There was nothing but cereal for breakfast! Just cereal. And we had salads and sandwiches for lunch and dinner! Just vegetables! There was no meat at all!

Yes, I do believe he's picking his teeth

First of all, seriously, Matt? Seriously? To stay alive? Was it really that dire aboard the ship that the passengers were at risk of dying? They had food brought in for them for crying out loud! And free booze! It's not like they were in the Andes eating their left wing's buttocks (Google it: Andes rugby. Most disturbing book you'll ever read.).

Second of all, new bride, I don't mean to judge, but it kind of looks like eating salads and sandwiches for four days might actually be in your best interest, honey. Looks to me like you could use to lose a few (feign offense if you want, dear readers,* but you know you were thinking it too).

But you know what? I wasn't there. Maybe it really was that horrific and awful. A couple of passengers did have this to say, after all, in an interview with CBS News,  "You started seeing some peanut butter, which everybody was excited about," said Katie Sokulski. Dad Stan Allen agreed: "We didn't even know how much we loved peanut butter!" 

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I mean, it's not like I've ever been through an ordeal such as this, right? Although, there was that one ice storm that hit Northern NY and Canada in 1998... eh, but who am I kidding? I mean, my family was stranded in our house, in the middle of the woods, without power, for a week, and we couldn't flush the toilets, and we didn't have running water (all in the dead of winter), but hey, at least we didn't have to endure what this one woman complained about, "We were bored, we were hungry, we couldn't lay out because it wasn't sunny," said Amy Watts. 

And you know what? I bet those rugby players in the Andes were at least able to lay out in the sun while they gnawed on their homo sapien jerky.

* Apparently I'm channeling Stephen King.

In Which I Was Almost Raped and Murdered in the Produce Aisle.

  

(but not really.)

Picture this...

It's Sunday evening, around 7:00pm. I had finally mustered up the ambition to tackle the dreaded chore of grocery shopping [shudder]. I drove down the road, (about 3 blocks) to the nearest grocery store. Let's call it The Flower of a Plant (in an attempt to avoid traffic to my blog from people googling coupons for their local store. It's bad enough these phrases keep sending people my way: "swimming pool ass crack," "tater tots and whiskey shots ain't much of a menu lyric," and, my all time favorite, "blonde puke". But I digress).

Not the store I went to

I pulled into the parking lot, which looked relatively empty. I happily parked my car, far enough away from the store to not feel lazy, but close enough to not dread the walk back. I double checked for the necessities- shopping list, wallet and cell, before exiting the vehicle. With everything safe and secure, I proceeded to the entrance of the store. 

The following is a reenactment of the inner dialogue running through my head during my grocery shopping experience.

"Well, this is nice. I guess it won't be so bad. Doesn't look like it will be crowded at all."

"Oh look. That man is about to put his cart in the corral. Maybe he'll offer it to me instead."

"Or maybe not. That was a weird look he gave me. Whatever. I'll just get a cart when I get inside. Wow, grocery shopping might actually be okay tonight."

"Huh. There are quite a few people hanging out front of the entrance. That's weird. Whatever. Maybe they're all waiting for someone to bring the car around."

"Huh. So I guess I just have to weave my way around them to get into the store. That's a little inconsiderate. Whatever."

"Wait. Why are they all looking at me? Weird. Is my flannel showing? I knew I should have changed first."

"Man. That one lady was huge."

"Alright, time to get my cart... off to the produce section... where is the produce section? Oh! There it is! Wow, it sure is tiny. That's what she said! Ha! Score."

"There sure are a lot of men shopping late at night. But... uh... they don't have any carts, and they're not carrying anything... that sure is odd. Wait a minute. Are they looking at me? Why are they looking at me?"

"Wait. Is that man approaching me? Phew. No, he's just headed for the grapes."

The preferred fruit of sexual predators

"Grapes? What man goes into the store for just grapes? Huh. That's odd. Wait. Is he approaching me now? Oh, phew. No, he's just looking at the apples. Just... like... I'm looking at the apples... okay... time to move on..."

"Whoa. Where did those men come from? They weren't in the produce aisle a moment ago. And they're not even looking at the food. They're looking at me! Uh... next aisle, next aisle!"

"Phew. It's empty. Now, what was it I needed in this aisle again...? Oh, right... Pickles!"

"What the hell? Is that the same guy with the grapes? Did he...? Did he just walk by and look down this aisle? Ack! There he goes again."

"Okay. Okay. I'm just being paranoid. It's been a long day. I'm tired..."

"Wait a minute... now I know those men aren't shopping for anything, and I know they're just standing around looking at me. This is totally freaky. What else is on this list? How many more aisles? Maybe if I just move on, they'll go away"

"Phew. It worked. Time to get the chicken and ground turkey..."

As I was browsing the poultry, an employee from the meat department approached me. In broken English, he asked, "Uh... where you from?"

"What the fuck? What does he mean, where am I from? What kind of question is that."

I looked up from the chicken breasts, and answered, "Uh, down the street?" It was at this moment that I really took a look around me. Standing a little ways down were three to four Hispanic men, just milling around and talking to each other. As I looked around the rest of the store, I noticed that most of the other customers were also Hispanic men. 

And this is when my newly discovered racist gene took over.

"Oh shit. I... don't think... I... belong here. Where are all the women? Fuck, where are all the white people? No wonder everyone's looking at me. The fluorescent lights are probably reflecting off of me in a way they're not used to seeing around here. Fuck."

"Okay, I just need to get the milk and the yogurt and the cheese..."

"Fuck. I forgot the bagels. Bagels be damned, I'm not going back for them."

"Fuuuuuck. I forgot the beer. Whatever. Tonight we drink whiskey."

Sometimes sacrifices must be made for the greater good.

And then, in surprisingly record-breaking speed, and as calmly as possible, I finished my grocery shopping, terrified of disturbing the locals, all while enduring the looks that my paranoid imagination viewed as hostile and quite possibly deadly. 

I hurried to the parking lot and threw the bags into my car, oblivious to the delicate cans-on-the-bottom-bread-on-the-top grocery bag loading strategy. And then I drove away as fast as my little car would let me.

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After relaying my experience to a co-worker the following day, she had this to say, "Yeah, aside from One Who Visits Stores in Search of Merchandise or Bargains, The Flower of a Plant is the worst grocery store to go to. My husband won't even let me go there alone. You should go to A Person or Thing of Great Size, that's the white people store."

And this is why the G-Man will be responsible for all the grocery shopping from now on.

(p.s. Remember when the only thing I had to worry about on my trips to the grocery store was whether or not the bum on the corner had peanut allergies? I kind of sort of miss that.)

Sunday Confessions : #6-8

   

Come forward and step into my confessional booth 

where all our dirty little secrets can be shared.

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 Sunday Confessions:

 

#6- I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for the past ten days. With no laundering in between. Same pair. Ten days. The level of comfort they have attained is indescribable. (p.s. Febreeze is my friend)

#7- I've stopped washing my hair. Everyday. I've stopped washing my hair everyday. What I mean is, I now wash my hair every other day.

#8- I believe chicken wings were never meant to see the light of day. Let me clarify. Chicken wings should only be consumed in the comforts of a poorly lit bar with cheap beer and good friends. Not in a well lit living room. Gross.

What's wrong with this picture?

      

It's Saturday afternoon. The G-Man is out shopping. I'm at home putting together his dresser.

What's wrong with this picture?

Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

I'd like to start a petition to extend the year by an extra month. At the least.

   
Just for fun, I decided to check out the New Year's "Resolutions" I made in January to see how I'm doing with them. I don't really predict good things because, well, like everyone who makes resolutions in January, I forgot about them. Let's take a look and see, shall we? (my comments on the resolution are italicized)

1. do a better job of keeping up on world news Um... I know there were some earth quakes, and... some trapped miners, and... um... I'm sure somebody died, right? There were probably some elections too... In other words... FAIL

2. be more adventurous I moved to a new state, so that was pretty adventurous. And I've been exploring new bars and restaurants, and you know that's adventurous. I suppose I could use to step it up a bit with my activities' level of adventure.

3. catch up on tv and movies I've missed Actually, I'm kind of proud that I haven't done this one. It means I've actually had shit going on in my life more important and exciting than sitting in front of the boob tube.

4. listen to more music Yes

5. COMMUNICATE No

6. get in touch with old friends and maintain better contact with family (as in on the phone or in-person, NOT via facebook, email or texting) EPIC FAILURE! If anything I've fallen more out of touch with friends and family. I'm sure they no longer know what I look like nor could they recognize the sound of my voice if I were to call.

7. see people more often (at least once a month) See above

8. get my butt back into the gym I went to the gym. Once. No, wait! Twice.

9. eat more fruits and vegetables, especially vegetables Ugh. Major fail.

10. drink more water I'm trying. That counts, right?

11. do things for ME! *hanging head*

12. do things for OTHERS! (at least once a month) DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'm too embarrassed by my lack of selflessness right now

13. embrace my decisions and commit to making them work for me, even the not-so-good ones I have accomplished this one

14. NO LIQUOR (unless I am in the safety of my own home) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

15. get in touch with my inner girlieness more often Inner whosit now?

16. continue to improve myself, career-wise (because a Master's just doesn't cut it) YES! I have a job now, and I'm learning all sorts of new things.

17. ask for (and accept) help when I really need it Um... still working on this one

So in conclusion, I have two months to tackle this list. Fuck.

RST: A Rally, Halloween, What's that noise?, Zombies, My Living Room, and No seriously, what the fuck is that noise?

                      

        

It's Tuesday, which means, time again for another Random Shit Tuesday! 

My randomness...

So, as I mentioned here, I attended the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear this weekend. I really wish I had more to report on the event. But alas, the day was pretty uneventful, despite the day's event.

We got off to a late start because, well, because that's just how we roll. I enjoyed a very yummy spinach and herb bagel on the road from The Bagel Cafe. Definitely a place to visit again. After meeting up with Thing Two on M Street, The G-Man, Unfortunate One, Thing Two and I hoofed it to the Mall where we were just a measly group of four in a sea of thousands. Needless to say, trying to get a decent view of the stage was out of the question. Fortunately we were able to push our way to a section of the Mall where we could at least see one of the screens.

So my take on the whole thing? The weather was nice, the crowd was overly polite*, the comedy was decent, the signs (and costumes) were entertaining, the sound system was shitty and the music was mediocre. Ozzy was certainly the highlight of the musical lineup, followed by Tony Bennett. Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow, however? Not the right venue nor the right crowd for them. In my opinion. Especially not after hearing rumors that Bruce Springsteen and Alanis Morissette were going to make an appearance.

After wards, we ventured to H Street (seeing as how any locale within walking distance to the Mall was packed) and grabbed a couple of brews at the Biergarten Haus, and, in my opinion, the best damned Goulash that have ever crossed these lips. The sauerkraut could have used more... sauer? Or maybe kraut. The Laugenbrezels were pretty freakin' good too.

After some food and beer, we headed back to M Street where we promptly... napped? Yup. This is how you know you're old folks. Halloween Eve in DC and everyone naps for about 3 hours, and upon waking, conclude that we'd rather sit in for the evening.

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Speaking of Halloween...

Oh, Halloween...

The night where we lock the doors, draw the blinds and spend the evening in the dark, hoping no foul-minded kiddies get the notion to trick us as we are clearly not intending to treat them.

It's not that I'm anti-Halloween or anything. It's just that I'm always so busy around Halloween (like, for example, moving) that I neglect to pick up any candy. 

Maybe next year.

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What's that noise?

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Zombies are becoming mainstream. I don't like this. That is all.

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I think I mentioned previously that we were unsuccessful in our attempts to get our couch upstairs to the living room.Which is why our living room currently looks like this...

Thank god our new couch arrives on Friday. Although, that makeshift chair on the floor is far more comfortable than you would imagine. Believe you me.

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No seriously, what the fuck is that noise? It sounds like a cross between a squirrel and a bird, and it's coming from the fire place. 

There it is again! 

I better not get attacked by some freakish squird while I'm innocently sitting here minding my own business.

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* There was a report by an employee in attendance from a certain organization with the initials 'N', 'P', and 'R' who claimed that the crowd was getting riled up and inpatient with The Roots' performance about 40 minutes in. This is not true. The sound system went out about that time, so we were chanting "Louder!" and "Turn it up!". Which was pretty reasonable, in my opinion. Of course she was located near the stage, so I imagine she had no clue what was going tens of thousands of people behind her.