shhh... it's a secret

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

PMS is Making Me Fat: And Other Complaints No One Cares About

       
The sensation of fatness
As if the automatic 5 lb. weight gain, courtesy of The Bloat, wasn't bad enough during PMS week, I also have this irresistible driving need to eat everything in sight. As if I really need to eat 3 frozen York Peppermint Patties, a bag of microwave popcorn, 2 scoops of peanut butter and 3 chocolate santas* in ONE sitting (I don't. Really, brain, I don't).

***

Not my bagel, but close enough
Dear Toaster:
What the fuck, man, what the fuck? I thought the "Bagel" button was a special button you pushed when you wanted to toast a bagel, thus setting up some sort of magical toaster toasting technique that would result in a perfectly toasted bagel, and not, for example, a crunchy, blackened, nearly-inedible disc of whole wheat baked dough. Am I wrong?

***

Big Heads
Facebook chains. Or whatever the fuck you call them. I hate 'em. "97% of you won't repost this." Well no shit. That's because they're lame. Which makes you lame. And you show everybody just how lame you are by reposting the damn things. And for the record, reposting some lame-o status update to Facebook doesn't bring attention to anything. I mean, who is it that's supposed to be paying attention? Are there some mighty Big Heads perusing everyone's Facebook status updates who are all like, "Whoa. Did you see this? All these people on Facebook reposted the same status update. It must be important. Huh. Hey, fellow Big Head, have you ever heard of do-mes-tic vi-o-lence? Yeah, me neither. I'm so glad we have Facebook to bring our attention to this problem Let's go tell the world!" 

Hey Lame-os! If you really want to make a difference, go donate money to a charity or do some other charitable act. Telling the Facebook world what color your bra is doesn't accomplish a goddamn thing.

***

I'm really enjoying having a doggy visitor for a week, but DAMN! am I hating those 6:30 am "business" walks.

***

Why, oh wby, must sucralose be in EVERYTHING? Just give me sugar, and stop putting some fake, nasty-tasting, chemical in my food!

***

SIDENOTE:
* apparently "santas" is not really a word. My spell check wants me to change it to "snatch" or "Satan". WTH?

7 comments:

Hope said...

Chocolate snatches sounds not so very appetizing. :p

jules said...

Oh. Sometimes you just NEED scoops of peanut butter. Def NEED! I get that way for sure.

And yeah, keep the chemicals out of my food. I like pure sugar!

BellaKarma said...

Too freakin' funny about the "Bagel" button! I used it for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and nearly burned the kitchen down.

Wombat Central said...

And I have to put my toaster on "medium" twice to do one piece of effing toast. There must be some middle ground....

MeredithDuck said...

Whats wrong with spoonfuls of peanut butter? Every day when I make my husbands lunch (yeah, I'm that woman) I can't help but scoop out a little extra PB for me. It's like my award for a good deed done.

I think those giant heads were on display at my work many years ago in our gallery. Super scary.

Krista said...

Ditto. On it all. (I'm feeling lazy tonight).

giaghani said...

This made me LOL. Ugh, I hate the signals PMS sends to the brain about food, its nooottt fair.

Also, the bagel bit was great and oh so unfortunate and ridiculous. :) xoxo.

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