The Results Are In

  

Okay, hold on to your tamales, people, the votes are in and the results have been tallied, tabulated, color coded and discriminately validated (What? I watch CNN. I know how these things work.).

Of course, as I'm sure you guessed, I am referring to my Blogger stats.

Yes, I have caved. I have jumped on the band wagon. I am blogging about my blogging stats. Feel free to navigate away from here at any time (I know you only spend an average of 2:25 minutes on here anyways. Google Analytics told me so).

So, without further ado, my measurements number stats (now in color with side boob notes):

Top Ten Search Keywords
!. blondegirl (no surprise there. I am blond)
2. monique montil (who what now? Ohhh... NOW I remember. You all must be just as twisted as I am. Good for you!)
3. one blonde girl (good for you! although I suspect these results may be tarnished by me googling my own blog because I was on a different computer and couldn't remember my URL. Still counts though.)
4. chasing mummies (I like the way you think! Wait, have I ever even talked about "chasing mummies" on here before? I probably should)
5. blonde girl (yawn)
6. caviar (uh-huh... I am all about bringing the class back to the blogging world)
7. cvs locations (now wait just one minute. I am not anymore and never have been a CVS drugstore. Nor can you find one located here anymore)
8. squirrel people (See Monique Montil)
9. "great hopes and massive failures" (the new theme of my life, previously themed "It's only temporary" and "I know you are, but what am I?")
10. "i peed myself" (Um, I thought we were keeping that between you and me?)

NOTE: These results are brought to you by Blogger Stats. Google Analytics results vary slightly and may or may not include search terms like "butt crack", "no underwear", "pee in the woods", and "matt leblanc butt".

Top 6 Referring URLS/Sites That AREN'T Connected to Blogger or Twitter
1. The Sassy Curmudgeon
2. Adventures of a Wayward Duck
3. Sara in Le Petit Village
4. meet me by the water
5. A Vapid Blonde
6. Date me, DC!

NOTE: Thanks all. Your thank you note is in the mail. But not really. I'm out of stamps. Not really. I have plenty of stamps, I just don't want to waste them. Those suckers are getting expensive!

Top Ten OBG Posts
1. RST: Interview, butt crack accidents, Matt LeBlanc, bad drivers, hiking hell, and a note (apparently Matt LeBlanc is still quite popular. Or maybe it was the butt crack)
2. OBG and the MLC (eh, okay)
3. 200 posts later... (and I just realized I had the nerve to include gnarly toe injuries with a pic of my nephew and his 1st birthday cakes. I suck)
4. I'm Watching the Smurfs. Jealous?* (Uh. This one wasn't all that good you guys. Sorry.)
5. It's a Twofer! (the one where I save the planet! Captain Planet would be so proud)
6. Meet Me... In Montauk (whoa. Things got pretty deep here)
7. RST: Glue, crocheted beards, sexism, lanyards, tater tots, and ModCloth love. (with a combo like this, it must be good, huh?)
8. I wasn't going to blog today, but... (Oh right, the one where I have an orange circle on my boob)
9. Cub Scouts are judgy motherf*ers. (One of my favs)
10. Everyone loves a meme. Wait... what do you mean, "No they don't"? (Seriously guys? Seriously?)

And there you have it. For those of you who are left, thanks. For what, you ask? Got me. I guess for reading and liking me enough to stick around for a couple of minutes.

Previously on OBG... The Pilot

(for those of you a little slow on the uptake, the following should be read with Dallas-esque levels of drama and theatrics) 

Although inspired in part by a true incident, 

the following story is fictional 

and does not depict any actual person or event.*

When we last left OBG... 

...she was wallowing deep in the self-pitying depths of the deadly Swamps of Sadness, discouraged by the lack of job prospects and by life in general. Landlord Dude had just confirmed with OBG that he had, in fact, already rented her room out for July and that she would, in fact, be without a home in less than a month. OBG, dismayed by her future, or lack-thereof, was quickly drinking her way through a case of Magic Hat, suffering from a bout of insomnia, and wondering how, OH DEAR GOD, HOW would she make it to her eye appointment on time?

We now join OBG at her eye appointment, which, with the help of her iHome and the wonders of Google Maps, she made it to on time...

Doctor (scribbling on his notepad): Well, it seems your left eye is weaker than your right...and you seem to be slow to focus...

OBG: Okay...
Doctor (looking up from clipboard): It appears... you have... (dramatic pause)... astigmatism.
OBG (wringing hands): But what does it all mean, doctor?
Doctor: Basically, it means that your eyeballs are football shaped when they should be baseball shaped.
OBG: Oh. But, I don't even like sports. Doctor, (dramatically drapes hand across forehead) is it... curable, doctor?
Doctor: I'm writing you a prescription that should help and give you better than 20/20 vision.
OBG: Oh. But, doctor, what about driving at night? I'm practically BLIND at night. (throws self dramatically across the chair) Whatever can be done?
Doctor: Well, this prescription should help with that.
OBG: Oh.
Doctor (all serious and shit): But I must warn you, you should probably... avoid driving at night.
OBG (gasps): But... I'm...  a night owl! Nooooooo......

After surviving the trauma of the eye doctor and his evil tools of torture that puff air into your unsuspecting eyes, OBG began her weekend adventures with a trip through the evil state that is... New Jersey...

OBG (all sweaty and disheveled from spending five hours stuck in Jersey traffic): DAMN YOU, JERSEY! DAMN YOU! Now I'll never make it to Happy Hour on time!

After her harrowing trip through Jersey and, subsequently, Delaware, the OBG finally arrived at her destination, the dreaded NOVA, where she had plans to attend a wine festival the following day. We now join her at said wine festival...

OBG (dramatically dragging herself across the field towards the crowded ice cream stand): I must... have... ice cream...
The G-Man (heroically picking OBG up off the ground): You can't handle the ice cream! Don't you know?!? It's made with... eggs!
OBG (throwing hand across forehead): {Gasp} No! Not all of it! Soft serve isn't! I'm sure of it! And... (alternates hand dramatically thrown across forehead)... I'm... PMS-ing! And... (alternates hand dramatically thrown across forehead)... it's soooo hot here! We don't have these levels of humidity in New York (dramatically relaxes body and collapses into the G-Man's arms) I... want... ice cream... now...
The G-Man (desperately shaking OBG by the shoulders): Get a hold of yourself, woman! Look at that line! That's a 30 minute wait... at best! And with these temperatures, and with your white, white skin... (shakes head)... well, I can only imagine...
OBG (whimpering): But... but... I want it...
The G-Man: What if we get another bottle of wine?
OBG (dramatically standing): {sigh} Okay. (thinking to self) But I'm on to you. Oh yes, I am. You may have won this time, with your distracting, tempting offer of sweet, sweet wine, but I will get my ice cream. Oh yes, I will.

Next time on OBG...

... will OBG ever get her ice cream? (Editor's Note: OBG never got her ice cream, but she did get two more bottles of wine and pizza.) How did OBG end up in DC at 1905 eating ravioli that she didn't even want? And why were there peas involved? Are they following her? Will OBG ever learn her lesson? Will OBG ever stop wearing white skirts to parties in fields? Will OBG survive her drive back through New Jersey? Will she ever find employment? Will OBG take the G-Man up on his offer and move to NOVA? Or will her Prince Charming finally rescue her from the Swamps of Sadness and whisk her off to Never, Never Land where she will never have to grow up?** And whatever did happen to that earring? And furthermore, did anyone know that Courteney Cox was in Masters of the Universe?

Stay tuned for the next episode of OBG, where all of these questions will be answered. Or none of them. It could go either way.

* In other words, I embellished a little. But only a little. Real life is boring and less dramatic. But not much.

** Yeah, I know. I'm mixing fantasies and fictional characters here, but it's my story, dammit, and if I want Prince Charming to take me to Never, Never Land on the wings of Falkor, so be it. Thank you very much.

I think I lost an earring too

You know those days where you start out in a field, listening to music, drinking wine with one group of people, in one corner of the world, and you end the day in a completely different city, in a completely different outfit, with a completely different group of people, and as you're eating your overpriced ravioli in a restaurant where your new group apparently knows the owner, who is also, apparently, one of the people in the new group, you stop for a moment and think,

"How did this happen?"

Yeah, well, that was my Saturday. Hope the weekend is treating all of you just as well.

A Picture Post

Regular posting will return tomorrow (I promise). In the meantime, enjoy this picture post of my week visiting my sister and her two boys.

(FYI- I don't suck at taking pictures, in case you were wondering. I'm just not entirely comfortable posting pics of my nephews without my sister's permission. That's why their faces are mostly concealed.)

How I Lost the Tip of My Toe -or- My Weekend Roundup

                                          
The title of this post is a tad misleading. I don't mean that I didn't (almost) lose the tip of my toe, and I don't mean that this isn't about my weekend, but I mean that my weekend wasn't nearly as exciting as I'd like you to believe it was based on the fact that I (almost) lost the tip of my toe. In fact, compared to how my weekends typically go, this past one was uneventful, pretty blah, and really quite mellow.

So mellow, in fact, that I'm actually going to be able to tell you about it without the fear of revealing to you a side of myself that few are privy to.

First off, my drive on Thursday wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated. In fact, Unfortunate One* and I had so much catching up to do that it was the fastest 6 1/2-hour road trip ever (A road trip that usually takes me 5-6 hours. Incidentally, Unfortunate One drives like an old lady. Who knew?). It's been awhile since I've been able to have a real, intelligent convo with anyone (you'd be surprised, but Co-Worker and Boss Lady aren't the brightest bulbs in the box). We talked politics and other issues of the current affairs variety. We gossiped a bit too (contrary to popular belief, men are the worst gossipers). I won't bore you with the details.

We met up with Gregarious, who we were visiting for the weekend, at his humble abode. We eventually made it to Murphy's Irish Pub in Old Town Alexandria. I've been there before, and while the atmosphere was enjoyable, the service has a tendency to suck and the food was merely mediocre. The beer, however, was good. Beer usually is.

WHAT I ATE/DRANK:
* Hot Roast Beef
- Served open-face on white bread topped with Gravy, Mashed Potatoes and Vegetables on the side
* Beer. More specifically, Yuengling
MY THOUGHTS:
It was kind of tasty... and kind of cold. The mashed potatoes were, eh. The vegetables were your standard previously frozen, re-heated variety.
WOULD I ORDER IT AGAIN:
Probably not. Unless I was really drunk. Anything can happen, right?

   
    
Friday afternoon we sat around in a circle (triangle?), outside in the bright Virginia sun, eating Cheetos, drinking, reminiscing** and talking about the days we used to sit around in a circle, eating Cheetos, drinking and partaking in certain activities. I may or may not have drunk a nearly full bottle of wine on my own. I may or may not have briefly blinded a cat when I (accidentally) poured wine into the kitty's eyes***. We then proceeded to try grilling steak during a hail storm. Well, Gregarious tried. Unfortunate One and I just sat inside and watched.

At some point we ventured into DC to visit Thing 2. It was a fun and exciting evening that involved sitting on Thing 2's roof deck and drinking beer. Good times. Fun fact: Did you know it was National Police Week in DC this past weekend? Yeah, we didn't either. We made this discovery while riding the last train on the Yellow line when a (very drunk) copper from North Carolina got on, in full kilt ensemble, and proceeded to serenade us with his bagpipes+ (can you serenade with bag pipes?). Good times.

(Source)

Not our bagpiper, but you get the idea, right? Man, I have got to start bringing my camera with me on my adventures.

We had originally planned to venture into DC again Saturday morning to meet up with Thing 2 for brunch. This did not happen. Most likely due to the fact that our Metro adventures had us arriving back at Gregarious' at about 5:00am. Instead, we met up with Thing 2 around 2-3:00pm for a late lunch at the Thai food restaurant, Kanlaya. I really like Thai food, however, I have a hard time finding anything I can eat since they like to put egg in everything.

WHAT I ATE/DRANK:
19. THAI SPRING ROLLS (shared)
- A combination of cellophane noodles, cabbage, carrot, and dried mushrooms served with chef's special sauce
21. SIAM DUMPLINGS (shared)
- Steamed dumplings stuffed with a mixture of shrimp, crab meat, pork and mushroom served with a deliciously sweet Thai soy sauce
81. PAD KING TOFU
- Fried tofu sautéed with fresh ginger, onions and fresh mushrooms in bean sauce
ICED TEA
MY THOUGHTS:
19. Good. Typical of spring rolls. Nothing special.
21. Eh. Not really a fan. Can't say I enjoyed the crazy meat combo, but everyone else really liked them.
81. After re-reading the description, I'm pretty sure that while this is what I ordered, this is not what I actually ate (as I suspected at the time). What I ate had green beans and red peppers. And no onions, mushrooms, ginger or bean sauce. That being said, whatever it was that I did eat, it was very good.
WOULD I ORDER IT AGAIN:
Sure. If I knew what it was I was ordering. I suspect it was this:
82. PAD PIK KING TOFU
- Fried tofu sautéed with PIK KING Sauce and fresh string beans

   
     
Afterward, we took a nice little stroll to the Jefferson Memorial. You know, just for fun. The men decided we needed to take a cab back to Thing 2's place, so we did, where we proceeded to drink some beers on the roof deck. Again.

Some crazy bastard decided that we needed to eat again that day, so we went out the Lalibela, an Ethiopian restaurant. Little did I know, I love Ethiopian food. Why do I love Ethiopian food? Because you eat it with your fingers! Now that's my kind of meal!

Funny story: At one point in the evening, I needed to pee, and guess what? There was no toilet paper. Well, there were scraps of t.p. Just enough for me to take care of business, but not enough for the poor fools who were in line after me. They had the misfortune of having to use the men's room. Poor ladies.
UPDATE: Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have followed a short story about a potty trip with this pic. Doesn't really make this look at all appetizing, huh? It was though, despite its resemblance to... well... you know.

WHAT I ATE/DRANK:
37. Lalibela Special One, for four Combination of #8, 12, 13, 17, 21, 30, 31 (shared, obviously)
8. Kik Alicha
- yellow split peas cooked with onions, garlic, red peppers, turmeric and vegetable oil
12. Teckl Gomen
- cabbage and carrots cooked with onions, garlic turmeric and vegetable oil
13. Gomen Wot
- caler green cooked with onions, garlic and vegetable oil
17. Laga Ribs
- tender cubed pieces of lamb marinate with special spices, onions, tomatoes, jalapeno and garlic
21. Doro Wot
- sauteed tender chicken marinate in seasoned butter and stewed in red hot peppers sauce. flavored with ginger root, cardamon, garlic and exotic spices served with hard boiled eggs
30. Yebere Lalibela Ribs
- prime beef sauteed with seasoned butter, hot peppers, garlic, onions, tomatoes and jalapeno cooked in pan
31. Keye Wot
- fresh beef marinate in red wine and cooked with red hot peppers sauce, onions, ginger roots, garlic and exotic Ethiopian spices
Water and coffee
MY THOUGHTS:
Overall, yummy. I did not try the lamb dish because I have issues with eating baby animals.
WOULD I ORDER IT AGAIN:
Definitely. Especially if I were out and about with a group of people again. And we were slightly buzzed.

   
     
After our Ethiopian adventure, we met up with Unfortunate One's cousin and her husband and proceeded to travel (walk) to the Commissary, a cafe/bar/what-have-you, for a drink. I was underwhelmed. Just for fun, here's a little riddle for you...

Four men and two women walk into a mediocre, overpriced bar in DC. They wait 15 minutes for service after waiting 5 minutes to be seated. The following drinks were ordered: Irish coffee, Thin Mint, Brooklyn Lager, Gin and Tonic, Chardonnay Woop Woop, and Allagash White. They discussed the going rate of wives in Sudan, which, at the moment, apparently averages at about 85 cows. The bill, with tip, comes to $60 and change.

What did I have to drink? (feel free to leave your guess in the comments) 

(BLOODY APPENDAGE STORY AHEAD)    

We proceeded to call it quits and headed back to Gregarious' house where I proceeded to relieve myself of one tip o' toe of the big toe variety. I somehow managed to stub my toe on a set of free weights while trying to remake a bed. I pretty impressively gouged a chunk out of the tip of my big toe the size of a dime. There was cursing. There was a surprising amount of blood shed. There were no tears because I am not a wuss.

While I haven't exactly lost the tip of my toe, yet, there is a pretty decent sized skin flap hanging on for dear life. I'm hoping it chooses to stay, but I'm prepared for it and I to part ways. I would have taken a picture for you, but I haven't been able to look at it yet without the urge to vomit all over it. (Okay, so maybe I am a wuss.)

So, yay! That was my fun and exciting weekend. Thanks for sticking through to the end of that fabulous Weekend Roundup. If you were bored, I apologize, but just think how I felt. I had to live through it. 

   

Have a fan-freakin'-tastic Monday!

* Names have been changed to protect other people's identities. Duh.
** I may or may not be using this word as an innuendo. You decide.
*** For the record, I wasn't trying to blind the kitty. I was trying to get it to drink wine. It's not my fault he moved his head at the wrong moment.
+ This is not an innuendo.

100th post!

   

Well, this here post is my 100th post. I've been putting off writing it because I wanted something super-special to write about, but alas, I've got nothing. The pressure to be entertaining and monumental with this milestone is too much, therefore, I'm choosing to be boring and trivial.

First off, you may have noticed a significant change to One Blonde Girl this week. Apparently, a bored blonde girl fills her time by revamping her blog. I've been dying to do this for quite some time now, but haven't had the spare time to do so. If you're wondering why the change, I had a few reasons. 

1. the old blog design had me feeling claustrophobic. I needed to spread out. 
2. the white-on-gray text thing was bugging my eyes out. Really, it was becoming painful for me to read my own blog (not because of the content, although that has been pretty drab lately, but because I'm pretty sure I'm due for an eye exam again since things have gotten pretty fuzzy recently). 
3. the old design didn't really reflect me. When I first started blogging, I was experimenting with different layouts and different elements, and somewhere along the line I ended up with a blog design that wasn't quite me.

So that's that. Feel free to let me know what you think. 

              

Second of all, despite my lament on Friday of being friendless, I had a great weekend with some good friends, and I didn't even need to go scrounge them up. They found me! My good friend, Stormey, invited me out to a field/forest fest/party/bonfire/good time on Saturday at his brother's house. That same morning, my good friend, Pooh, told me he was considering coming into town for the day. Needless to say, I felt like I had won the friend lottery on Saturday! It was great to hang with Stormey and Pooh again. The party was tons of fun with mediocre music, beer pong (I kicked butt! My partner, Stormey, not-so-much), burgers and dogs, large-scale group painting, crazy hula-hooping chickies, one kick-ass flaming hoop dancer, a bonfire, glow sticks, bongo drums and lots and lots of stress-relieving fun. Just what the doctor ordered. 

           

Sunday, for the most part, was spent recovering from the previous evening's debauchery (it wasn't so much a need to recover from the alcohol this time so much as it was a need to recover from... other things. Like, for one, getting to bed at 3am and waking up at 6am. What the hell, body?). But, it was a nice and relaxing day because... IT WAS THESIS FREE!!! (I promise to tire of saying that real soon. I think.)

Today was interesting. I stepped back into a classroom- for the first time in a year, as a substitute teacher- for the first time in three years, in a 7th grade art class- for the first time in six years. But I'll be writing about that later over at Miss Weber's Room.

Overall, I realized this past weekend that I DO have friends, even if they aren't readily available to go grab a beer at a moment's notice. 

I realized that the rules for drinking games aren't universal, they're regional. Or maybe they're generational (yes, I was the thirty year-old partying with the early twenty year-olds. BUT, I wasn't the only one. In fact, I wasn't even the oldest one. That honor went to Stormey. Poor old man).

I also realized that if I can survive a day of 7th grade art as a substitute, I'll be fine returning to the real world of work (except for that waking up early thing. I don't know if you can really get used to that), which is good to know, 'cause I've got that interview on Wednesday. I still have my teacher voice too. Which is also good to know.

Well, so much for a fabulous 100th post.

Oh! Here's some good advice, straight from me too you. If you find yourself wearing a skirt to a field/forest party, make sure you have a good buddy around to hold the contents of your pockets when you need to use the porta-potty. Unless you want to lose your favorite chapstick and $5 in the hold of a porta-potty.

(In case you're wondering, if you Google "another name for the hole in porta-potty, you'll come across this story about a stabbing suspect hiding out in a porta-potty. Gross.)