shhh... it's a secret

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

But I thought everyone had this stuff in their cars...


I recently rode in a friend's über clean vehicle (we're talking new car clean), which, I gotta tell you, impressed the shit out of me. I mean, this is a person who drives to work everyday, and on top of that, is male! My mind is blown everyday.

At any rate, riding in my car this morning I couldn't help but notice the excessive amount of crap I have in my car. I mean, I would be über embarrassed to have anyone ride in it with me (which, thank God, is rarely a problem). Let's ignore for a moment the inch-thick layer of dirt and dust and unidentifiable fluffy white stuff on the dash, and let's ignore for a moment, the piles of dirt and pebbles lurking in the corners of the car floor; there is a TON of crap in my car. I have, very conveniently, compiled a neat little list for you in support of my argument (if I had had my camera with me, I would have taken photos... well, maybe).
  1. an E-Z Pass (okay, well that's normal. many people have them in their cars.)
  2. a parking permit for work (perfectly appropriate. I use it every weekday. no problem here.)
  3. a parking sticker for a place I lived two, possibly three, residences ago (okay, well, that could and should probably be removed)
  4. 9 pens (yes, I counted. apparently this is where all my missing pens have runaway too. I mean, one or two pens in the car is very convenient, but nine? could be considered overkill.)
  5. a fishing lure (yeah, I'm confused by this one too. I don't fish.)
  6. 2 coffee travel mugs (I was wondering where these had wandered off to, and not-so coincidentally, now I know where that weird smell is coming from)
  7. medical papers (in my defense, I move ALOT, so my car is probably the best place to store important paperwork, so...)
  8. a road atlas (none of those fancy GPS gadgets for me. I'm quite proud of the fact that not only can I read maps very well, I can also find my way anywhere or out of any {ahem} "detour" with a road atlas. which I may or may not have had to do. numerous times. and in Jersey no less. If you don't understand the gravity of this accomplishment, you've obviously never been lost detoured in Jersey before. it wouldn't surprise me to learn that people spontaneously combust while trying to find their way around Jersey. I'm just saying. there's something not right about that state.)
  9. a pair of sneakers
  10. a collection of CDs (for those times when I forget my iPod and I wander into radio station dead zones)
  11. a first aid kit (huh. I forgot that was in there. good to know. you never know when you might need one.)
  12. glow sticks (huh. I forgot those were in there as well. good to know. you never know when you might need one.)
  13. hand-written directions (for those times when I need to travel locally and the road atlas won't cut it)
  14. cryptic hand-written notes (I can only assume these are coded instructions for finding the answers to all the puzzling questions in my life. and apparently a guy named Don holds the key. here's an illustration of one. you tell me, what is this?)

  15. skis, ski boots, ski poles and a ski jacket (because hey, you never know. incidentally, no ski pants. seems I've misplaced them during one of my moves. bummer. they were very cute with this pretty little embroidered flower right above the left butt cheek.)
  16. garbage (lots and lots of garbage. and no garbage bag. I need to remedy this. pronto.)
  17. a beer cap (there's a story behind it, I swear. it's not just another random piece of garbage. and I don't drink and drive. at least not at the same time. anymore. I promise.)
  18. a colorful plastic bead bracelet (made for me by one of my former students. it has turtles on it, which I like. I miss teaching.)
  19. junk mail (a nice big pile of it in my back seat. receiving junk mail always indicates it's time to move again because THEY. FOUND. ME.)
  20. lotion (the pump kind. I don't know why this is in my car. could be leftover from my ceramics days?)
  21. a pair of underwear (don't worry, they're unworn, and still in the package. in fact, I just found these and now I feel bad because I made the people at Victoria's Secret send me another pair when I thought they had shorted me a pair in my last order. the operator blamed the mishap on machinery designed by men, which was funny, and they sent me another pair very promptly, which I was happy about, but now I feel guilty because I was wrong. on the plus side I have a new pair of underwear!)
  22. two pairs of flip flops (I ♥ flip flops and cannot wait for the weather to be nice again so I can wear them)
  23. a wiper blade (still in the package because I couldn't get the old one off and didn't have a man around to convince to do it for me.)
  24. jumper cables (because you never now when you might need them. I have this fantasy of coming across some poor man who needs his car jumped but doesn't have cables. then I'll whip mine out and he'll be über* impressed by the cute, prepared blonde girl who came to his rescue. I'll save the day and drive away into the sunset feeling good that I am a strong and independent woman. of course, I don't know exactly how to use them, but that's besides the point.)
  25. fuses (I do know how to replace the fuses in my car. I know this because one blows all the time. it makes me feel really good about myself to get all dirty and grimy switching out the fuses. I rock!)
  26. a stick (I know there's a story behind this, I just can't remember what it was.)
  27. a pocket mask (you know, the kind you use for CPR so you don't actually have to do mouth-to-mouth but mouth-to-mask instead, because, you never know. maybe the guy with the dead battery needs to be resuscitated too. and maybe he has a nasty cold sore. you're gonna be very happy to have the pocket mask at that point.)
  28. an empty eye glasses case (empty because the glasses I wear for driving broke about four years ago. okay, well, they didn't break, they're just missing the screw to one of the arms. but I lost the screw and delayed taking them in to get 'em fixed. and then I lost the arm during one of my moves. I know I still have the glasses somewhere...)
  29. a Bose iPod speaker (what? that's not where you store your stereo equipment?)
  30. a blanket (preparedness, folks. come on.)
How nice. I unintentionally ended on a nice round number. Maybe in Sassy Curmudgeon-style, I should rename this post "30 Useless Things I Discovered in My Car When I Was 30." Or maybe not. 

How about you? Do you have any weird and/or embarrassing things taking up residency in your car? Please share.

* apparently über is our word of the day, kids.


    WhisperingWriter said...

    My car is a mess. There are stale fries and cracker crumbs all over the back. It's a little gross. I should vacuum.

    jess said...

    Take away the jumper cables and add a bunch of sand and a broom (maybe I wanted to sweep out the sand?) and that's my car as well. It's nice to know I'm not alone...

    P to tha S - boys with clean cars creep me out for some reason.

    April said...

    @ Whispering- Thankfully I don't have to deal with fries and crumbs as I am the only occupant of my car. That and when I purchased my car I vowed never to eat it in because I wanted to keep it clean and stinky-free. A lot of good that did me.

    @ Jess- I agree. Boys with clean cars are creepy. I think I read somewhere that how well you take care of your vehicle is an indication of how you function in your life. If a boy is that obsessed by the cleanliness of his car, what's that say about his life? I need to think about this some more...

    Marissa said...

    So i just tried to comment on your newest blog and everytime i tried my computer had a heart attack, so im going to try here.

    after reading your blogs i realized You remind me SO much of myself. I always tell people i need to be taken care of, and reminded to do the simplest things because i just forget. It's nice knowing im not the only one :)

    Laura said...

    April...I love this...very accurate depiction!

    April said...

    @ Marissa- Oh! Hope your computer is okay. Mine has heart attacks daily. It's getting old. :)

    @ Laura- Glad you liked it. I often think I'm alone in my appreciation for my rambling.

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