I need adult supervision.

  

For example, it's 5:30pm on a Monday* and I may or may not be pretty freakin' buzzed. Actually, I'd say that's a pretty fair assessment, which reminds me of this post. Why? Because the circumstances are pretty freakin' similar.

Which brings me back to the main point of this post- I need adult supervision. Well, maybe not in the sense that I need an adult in the room when I use a knife ('cuz Lord knows I learned my lesson regarding knives years ago. Me and sharp objects DO NOT get along. Same goes for me and stairs, and doors, and narrow hallways, and high heels...). 

What I mean is, without another adult in my life, I fail to function properly. Let's ignore the fact that I still can't figure out how to zip up my pants after using the bathroom (yeah, I'm THAT teacher) or the fact that all my footwear are sans laces because I never learned how to properly lace a shoe (seriously, do they go under? over? I just don't get it!). Instead, let's focus on some other areas. 

I really, really enjoy living on my own, but without other adults in my life...

• my diet would consist entirely of oatmeal, grapefruit, Good N Plenty, whiskey and ginger ale, microwave popcorn and beer. Bam! That's breakfast, lunch and dinner right there. Done. It is only through eating meals with other adults that I remember things like vegetables, or meat, or, I guess it could be argued, real food.

• I would eat many things I shouldn't and totally suffer for it later. Like cake, which has eggs in it, which I can't eat. But, unless there's someone else around to say, "Oh, hey, April, it's too bad you can't eat this cake because it has eggs in it," I WILL TOTALLY EAT THAT CAKE. And then I'll spend the rest of the day throwing up. And then I'll have another slice for breakfast. I'm sure you can figure out what comes next. Good for you. You're ahead of me, because apparently I manage to block that part out every time I am left unattended and there is free cake in the room.

• I forget to check the mail. First of all, the post office is pretty far out of my way. Like, all the way across town. It is only through my conversations with other adults that I remember that checking the mail is something I need to do... frequently. As in, more than once every two weeks. Granted, most of my mail is junk mail, but every now and again there is something important in the mail. Like free stuff. Or W-2s. Or important stuff regarding car insurance and your bank beginning to charge $8/month for your checking account previously known as, "free-checking". Which reminds me, I have yet to switch my bank and I still need to contact my insurance company...

• I forget to take my vitamins. And birth control. I know. It's awful, but unless I have someone asking me daily, "Did you take your vitamins today?" I forget that that is something I need to do. And unless I'm involved in regular sexual activity with another adult, it does not occur to me to take my birth control regularly. Please, don't judge. And, might I add, that shit costs money, and unless you're having regular sex, that monetary expenditure might not seem as necessary as, say, ginger ale and whiskey. (and yes, I know you can get free birth control from Planned Parenthood, but have you ever been to one of those? If you're having sex, they pretty much treat you like a whore, at least in my experience they do, and who needs that in their life?)

• I wouldn't pick things out of the trash. Okay, I totally pick things out of the trash, but who in their right mind throws away a toilet paper roll when there is still toilet paper on the roll? And when no one in your house is capable of purchasing toilet paper, this sort of thing is basically a sin. And furthermore, that vitamin that fell into the trash can this morning only touched paper, so, in my opinion, it's totally okay to pick it out and consume it. Just be thankful I remembered to take it this morning. 

• I wouldn't eat things I find in my bed. Living on my own, I indulge in one of my favorite bad habits... eating in bed. As a result, I sometimes come across random pieces of food in my bed. Like popcorn, Good N Plentys(ies?) and stuff that initially looks like food, but upon consumption of said items I find myself spitting them out into my garbage can in complete and utter disgust. And then I question whether or not I'm normal. I suspect I'm grosser than your average bear.

• I would dress like a total slob. We're talking holey jeans and t-shirts that are 3 sizes too big for me. I find that most of the time I don't dress for myself. When I get dressed in the morning, I always consider how many adult-like people I will be encountering that day. As well as the level of importance said people have on important aspects of my life. Like my career. As the number and level decreases, so does the style and cleanliness of my outfit. You saw what happened on laundry day, right? 

• I would be less motivated in life. Not that I'm entirely motivated by other adults, but if they weren't in my life, I might not care if I have a full time job. Or health insurance. And I certainly wouldn't feel pressured to procreate or guilty for not wanting to right now. I would be perfectly content maintaining my current state of perpetual limbo if it weren't for pressure from other adults. 

Alright, well I think that's enough for now. I think my brain just quit. I also need a refill. It's okay. I'm on vacation. Have a good one, and since I feel like I need to include a picture in all my posts, enjoy this pic of me wearing free stuff.

(Quick! What show am I watching?)

* Yeah, you caught me. I'm pre-blogging or blogging ahead of time. What of it? I'm a busy girl. Procrastination doesn't just happen on its own, you know.