shhh... it's a secret

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Dear Mr. Sandman

Please accept this letter as my official request to be rescheduled to an earlier time slot on your EST evening schedule. It is possible there has been some confusion and someone in your office informed you that 3:30am was an acceptable time to visit, and I can understand that. Back in the day this would have been entirely appropriate, especially on the weekends. However, times have changed. I'm getting older (is it possible, as the result of an innocent typo, 30 somehow became 3:30? I used to work in an office. I know how easily these little mistakes can happen), and my late-night partying days are long behind me (well, except for that one weekend. And that other weekend. And then there was that week night...).

I realize any adjustment to a carefully thought out and well-planned schedule can be bothersome, but you see, Sandy (we're friends, right? I can call you Sandy?), I'm currently working on my thesis and trying to finish up my Masters Degree so I can graduate in May. These late nights have become quite damaging to my sanity and my ability to think and reason during the daylight hours. All I'm asking for is a temporary rescheduling for the next three months. After the three months are up, and if you feel it's necessary, you are more than welcome to return me to my current time-slot.

Unfortunately, Sand, my man, I also find it necessary to address a more sensitive topic. I understand times are tough right now. People everywhere are trying to find ways to cut costs and conserve resources. I can't even pretend to understand the inner workings of your industry. I don't even know who it is you have to answer to (Mother Nature? Father Time?). Here's my concern, and again, I hesitate to bring it up, but I think it's necessary. It seems to me the quality of your Sleepy Time Magic Dust (STMD*) has been not quite, shall we say, up to par as of late. I know in these tough economical times we tend to search out cheaper alternatives to our tried and true, but I'm afraid the quality of these goods and products suffer. STMD just doesn't seem to have the same oomph that it once had. I wake up still feeling quite groggy, unrested, and often times, without a full nights sleep.

Or maybe it isn't the quality of your STMD that is the problem, maybe it's the quantity. Maybe your office has chosen to cut back on the doses you dish out in the interest of conservation. If this is the case, may I point out that I have never been an overuser or abuser of STMD. For most of my life I have been successfully getting by on 6 hours of sleep every night. Don't you feel it is a bit extreme to cut my dosage back to 4 hours? In the interest of making things easier on you, I propose a solution. There is this girl that I currently work with who claims to get 10 hours of sleep every night (a possible oversight on your office's part?). She comes into work every morning in the most obnoxiously super chipper and happy way. I propose you cut back her dosage by 2 hours and add it to mine. It's a win-win for everyone. You maintain your current operating costs, I get some much needed extra sleep, and she loses some of that irritating bubbliness, quite possibly saving her from being brutally murdered by an over-stressed, under-nourished, over-tired co-worker (not that I would know anything about that).

Thank you for your time and your consideration of this request. I understand you may have to discuss this with your superiors, but I look forward to hearing back from you very soon.

One Blonde Girl

p.s. While I have your ear, and if you're so inclined, would it be possible for you to review your file on a certain Benny Bugger? I know a mom who would love a couple hours extra sleep at night. Thanks.

*the creation and use of this acronym is deemed acceptable by the APA Manual, 5th Edition.

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