shhh... it's a secret

Monday, February 1, 2010

I submit to you, Exhibit A... my ass.

True story. I was taking some pictures of myself wearing the new shoes I bought today. Why? Because that's what I do. Not really. I was taking them to show my sis who lives about 6 hours away. She likes shoes and shoe shopping and all sorts of other girly stuff that I am no good at (I like to think that along with my right eye, she also stole my half of the girliness during gestation, but that's neither here nor there). I'm convinced I have some sort of condition that makes it impossible for me to find shoes that fit me. They fit fine in the store, but the moment I take them home they're either too loose and fall right off my feet or so tight my toes scream bloody murder every time I try to put them on. My closet is full of shoes I've worn once, but I digress.

I thought my sister would be proud of my recent purchases because, not only did I buy pointy-toed shoes, I bought pointy-toed boots. (I have to admit, this is only the 2nd time I've photographed my shoes for my sis to see, but after she was flabbergasted by my purchase of T-strap sandals! I felt I needed to show off my boots too.) So, there I was, standing in front of the mirror, snapping away at my feet when I was struck with a moment of brilliance. OMG, I wonder if my butt really looks the way I think it does when I look in the mirror!?

We've all been there at some point in time, right? You're in the fitting room, trying on the perfect pair of jeans, and your butt looks fabulous! and you just HAVE to buy them, right? Only to get them home and realize that your butt looks nothing at all like you thought it did? (I believe dressing rooms are secretly equipped with magic mirrors that make your ass look good in everything. On the flip side, they make your thighs look hideous in every single bathing suit you try one. I think it's all part of some man's conspiracy to keep normal women out of bikinis. There. The secrets out. You're welcome.) My perfect jeans are from H&M and have back pockets with flaps that make my butt look cute and high and round and perfectly grabbable. And the best part, they continued to look that way once I brought them home. Score! (Let me just add that nothing ever looks good in an H&M dressing room, so I felt like I had literally struck gold here.)

So, in typical What Not to Wear secret footage style (you know, that awful video footage they show to the women, who up until this point thought they looked good in what they were wearing until they saw themselves on film? From behind.) I photographed my butt. I submit for your consideration, my ass, or as I now like to refer to it, the-ass-that-never-was.

(sigh) I can just hear Stacey and Clinton now...
Clinton: Where's your tushie? There's no tushie here.
Stacey (as she waves her hand in circles over my butt):  Look at how flat this is. These are not flattering.
(SIGH) and the quest for the perfect pair of jeans continues. I'm sure hitting the stairmaster couldn't hurt either.

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