shhh... it's a secret

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I finally crossed the line...

...and became THAT person. Yeah, that's right, I committed the cardinal sin of FWI... Facebooking While Intoxicated.

Typically, I'm pretty good at drinking and living at the same time. This is because I usually stick with alcohol that I KNOW I can handle. Like beer. And wine. And whiskey. The moment I stray from my tried and true and trusted, all hell breaks loose. 

(Um, dear Sister, and you know who you are, if you're reading this, please be warned that I am about to disclose some information that may shock and appall you. You may not want to continue reading. Or maybe you do. Maybe at this point in our lives the things you learn about me no longer disgust you. Who knows, but you've been warned. Proceed at your own risk.)

I've done some pretty embarrassing and shameful things while intoxicated, and 9 times out of 10, these things occurred during a liquor*-induced black-out (LIBO). I try to avoid my danger drinks at all cost, but every now and again, all good sense disappears and I venture from my safe zone. Again, this doesn't happen that frequently, maybe two or three (or maybe four) times a year, give or take a few. 

The fallout from these ventures is usually so devastating that I'm shamed into refraining from liquor consumption for months. I may or may not have lost a job as a result of a LIBO. I may or may not have had to move out of town because of a LIBO. I may or may not have lost acquaintances who had the potential of becoming good friends because I was too embarrassed to look them in the face as a result of a LIBO. And since, once upon a time, someone told me that 3 is a good number to use when giving examples, I'll stop there. 

So, back to my FWI... My good friend from NYC, SMos**, is staying with me this week while she camps out in our school's library for twelve-hour thesis writing sessions. I'm happy to have her here because it reminds me that I'm not suffering alone in thesis writing hell. Plus, I miss having a good friend around who I can really talk to. Well, after two days of typing, typing, typing, our tired and burnt-out brains decided that it would be a GREAT IDEA to have MARGARITAS, yaaaaaaaaaay!!

(I must inform you, tequila and I have a very rocky history. It would be fair to say that tequila is numero uno on my list of danger drinks. Scratch that, it's numero dos. Van Gogh Vodka is number one. That shit is crazy!!! For whatever reason, when SMos suggested margaritas, I really thought this was the best idea I had ever heard of, tequila be damned!)

Seeing as how neither one of us has ever made margaritas before (you would think two experienced drinkers in their early thirties would have, at some point in time, learned how to make a margarita. Yeah.... no.) we picked up a pre-made mix*** and a 10 oz bottle of tequila (in hind-sight, this could have been the flaw in our plan).

Alright, so fast forward to 3 am when we're out of booze, have probably pissed off all my roommates, and we're drunk to the point where we've been over sharing with each other for the last two hours. No more booze = bedtime. I'm secretly thrilled that I'm still well aware of my surroundings, can carry on a conversation and, most importantly, have not slipped into a LIBO. I'm thinking my reintroduction to tequila ain't going so badly. So I stumble into my bedroom, strip, hop into bed and fall fast asleep.

Or so I thought. 

Imagine it's about 9:00am, I'm seriously hungover, or, more accurately, still drunk, and I know there's no chance in hell I'm doing anything that day that I can't do while simultaneously enjoying the comfort of my bed. I assess my body for damages and discover only one mystery bruise, one mystery scrape but plenty of mysterious muscle soreness. I reflect on the evening and am psyched that I can recollect going to bed, so I conclude that despite the aforementioned mysteries, nothing went down last night to cause me any concern. I pull out my laptop and decide to check in with the world, all the while super proud of myself for NOT making an ass of myself the previous evening****. 

Then I log on to Facebook... and there it is. Evidence that I did not in fact fall fast asleep but, in fact, at some point between hopping into bed and traveling off to dreamland, I slipped into the LIBO and not only logged onto Facebook, but I also decided to profess my friend-love for a long-time male friend and beg for someone to hire me because, as I so eloquently put it, I'M A DAMN GOOD TEACHER. I also felt the need to inform the Facebook world that not only was I drunk, but my dear Sister would be disappointed in me if she knew, so Shhhh... don't tell her. Ugh! I embarrass me. 

Thankfully, my long-time friend is well aware of my drunken antics and actually expressed his amazement at my ability to not only drunk-post with NO grammatical or spelling errors, but to still manage to use big words and sound gosh-darn intelligent. Despite his praise, my shame got the best of me, and I quickly deleted that shit, praying that the Facebook world chose to sleep in that morning and thus were unaware of my talent at FWI+.

* whiskey excluded. For some weird, freakish reason, I can drink this stuff all night and not experience an LIBO.
** identity concealed in order to spare her the shame and embarrassment of being associated with me.
 *** which, by the way, already contains liquor. We knew this, but in all our infinite wisdom, we KNEW the mix would not be potent enough for the kind of drunk we were hoping for.
**** I know what you're thinking. How much of an ass can I make out of myself when I'm drinking with a good friend in the safety of my own kitchen? Oh, trust me, one can make a HUGE ass of oneself in that situation.
+ but seeing as how it was Friday morning, the odds of this being true were pretty slim.
UPDATE: It seems I also managed to send a message via Facebook while I was FWI. I'm so proud of myself, really, I am. The fallout from the drunk messaging wasn't so bad, in fact, it resulted in a discussion that needed to be had. So all-in-all, everything is A-okay! (Curiously enough, it didn't even occur to the recipient of the drunk message that I was under the influence at the time, despite the 4 am time stamp. Evidently, I am quite articulate while drunk in the wee hours of the morning. Good for me... I think.)

1 comment:

Marissa said...

hahahah I do the SAME thing! i dont get drunk often but if i do i have to give my phone to someone or i do far worse then facebook. i start calling ex's lol :p

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