Three things you should never, ever do while in the bathroom

                             
Eat. Gross. End of story.  

    

Read a book. Magazine... okay. Newspaper... probably not a good idea. Book... it's not a library, folks! What the hell are you doing in the bathroom where you have time to read a book. I, for one, cannot start reading a book and then just stop anywhere, willy nilly. I have to stop at a chapter or a sub-section. And I certainly don't take so much time on the toilet that I can read an entire chapter. If you're spending this much time on the toilet, go see a doctor. Or drink more water. Something. (this rant was brought to you as a direct result of the influence of my step-father, who could always be heard telling my mother, "The bathroom isn't a library.")

(My biggest use of the bathroom faux pas/pet peeve after this picture of the coolest toilet ever. I'm assuming it's nonfunctional)

(Source)

Talk on the phone. Please, don't ever, ever, ever think it is okay to have a phone conversation with me when you are on the pot. Who does this? Okay, my mom for one, and my dad, and I'm sure a plethora of other nasty people in my life, but I don't. I don't even bring my phone into the bathroom with me. Ew. Why? Yuck. Bathroom time is my time and not to be shared with some poor, unsuspecting fool on the other end of the phone. There's nothing worse than having this conversation take place:

Me: Well, why does he always have to go up there?
Other Person: I don't know. You would think he would want to meet people like him and who would enjoy his... hold on a sec... [swoosh... slup, slup... gurg...wish]
Me: (in shock in disbelief) ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM?
Other Person: Uh, yeah.
Me: WHY WOULD YOU ANSWER THE PHONE WHILE YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM?
Other Person: Uh, I do it all the time. Sometimes I have conversations with clients while I'm in the bathroom.
Me: (in total disgust) I am not impressed.

Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.

And for the record, I'm compiling a list of all the people I know who use their phones while in the loo. I will never, ever, ever ask to use your phone. Ever.