Why I ♥ Christopher Moore

If you're not familiar with the author, Christopher Moore, I highly recommend you take a moment to check out his website (I feel like a total ass right now. I'm directing you towards his site, and it's not working. At least it isn't for me. I'm hoping by the time you check it out, it will be up and running fine. I apologize. In the meantime, Wiki his ass*). If that's not enough to convince you to start reading his shit, maybe I can help the cause.

First, let me say that I've read quite a few of his books. I would never recommend anything I myself haven't already read, so here's a list of what I've read, in order of most fav to least fav:

• A Dirty Job
• Fool
• Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
• The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
• The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

I'm currently reading Lamb. If you're like me, not religiously inclined, and you're hesitant to be seen with anything resembling the bible, even in parody, rest assured, you will not regret reading Lamb. Here's an excerpt (really, this shit cracks me up!):

Joshua's [aka Jesus] ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c).
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heaven.
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked

Which is the message that Joshua's father had given him so many years ago, and which seemed, at the time, succinct to the point of rudeness, but made more sense after you listened to a few hundred sermons. (Moore, 2007, p. 334)**

Funny, right? Huh. Not convinced yet? Alright, here's another...

"You like Joshua, don't you? Yes you do. Yes you do. He wuvs his widdle Joshua. Yes he does." Baby talk is the universal language. The words are different, but the meaning and sound is the same.

The creature nuzzled Joshua up under its chin, then licked his head again, this time leaving a steaming trail of green-tee-stained saliva behind on my friend's scalp. "Yuck," said Joshua. "What is this thing?"

"It's a yeti," said Gaspar from behind me, obviously having been roused from his trance. "An abominable snowman."

"This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?" I exclaimed.

"Not an abomination," Joshua said, "abominable." (Moore, 2007, p.221)**

Ah. Good stuff. If you're still not convinced that you should be reading Christopher Moore's work, I give up. Alright, well maybe not. Here's one last attempt, and an excerpt from my favorite CM book, Dirty Job:

"They towed my car," said Minty Fresh. "There's coffee."
"Thanks." Charlie skipped across the dining room to the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down with Minty. "How's your head?"
The big man touched the purple bruise on his forehead. "Better. How're you doing?"
"I accidently shagged a monk last night."
"Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided." (Moore, 2006, p. 346)

He's named Minty Fresh for God's sake!! How can you not love that? And because things have taken a decidedly frightening turn towards the religious, let's end on something we can all relate to; child abuse:

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates." (Source) (I didn't feel like searching through my copy to get a good one. Sorry)

There you have it. Check it out. Let me know what you think!

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Christopher Moore. Not to be confused with this other Moore-on (get it? Ha! I crack me up)

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* I really hope you weren't expecting to see Christopher Moore's ass with this link, you pervert.

** These citations are approved by my APA Manual, 5th Edition. For my reference page, click here.