shhh... it's a secret

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A Cross Between Sweet Valley High and Ginger Snaps*

                   
I've got the bloat, the bitchies, the munchies, the crankies...

I'm consuming disgustingly vast quantities of popcorn, chocolate, potato chips and french onion dip (contrary to what you think, dip isn't always eaten alongside chips. It can be eaten straight out of the jar. With a spoon. Not that I know anything about that...)

Parts of my body are currently 5x their normal size. You know, my butt, my gut, my boobs, my ankles and my cheeks.

I have lost all sense of personal hygiene, meaning, I may or may not have stopped showering, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, shaving, wearing deodorant**...

I may or may not be wearing these pants (click to enlarge)...


...holed up in my room and avoiding going out in public at all cost (hello! Did you see what I was wearing?)

If you don't know what any of this means, I can only assume that you are male. And not having sex on a regular basis. Meaning you must not have a woman in your life right now. Or else you would totally understand.


You're probably wondering what this all means to you, right? Well, not that much, but I thought I would mention it. I also thought I should mention that in a few days I will be venturing to my sisters house for a week. We have big plans. Mainly, the LOST series finale on Sunday (yeah, I'm driving 5-6 hours for a TV show. What of it?). There will also be tons of nephew bonding, a game night, and a party for a 3rd birthday.

Unfortunately, my sis does not have wireless internet, which means I can't use my laptop there and am limited to her desktop that lives in the upstairs hallway. Which means, I can't promise much in the way of posts for a week beginning on Sunday. I'm trying my hardest to pre-write and schedule some posts, which is going well seeing as I have no intention of venturing out into the real world until the bloat is over (one of the only bonuses to being unemployed).

Can someone please remind me that I've got shit to do on Friday. You know, that whole you're-a-smarty-pants award thing? Thanks.

For your entertainment, I present to you, my toe wound (you're going to be tempted to click on this image to enlarge it. For the love of god, don't do it! You've been warned.):


Incidentally, the toe is starting to smell a little. And it no longer looks like this as I took this pic on Monday. I'm slightly concerned. Especially since the skin flap is starting the shrink away from the edges of the gaping wound, which, although you can't really tell from this pic, is quite deep. I'm thinking I might have to preform some surgery here in the near future. *sigh*

UPDATE: I just managed to drop a knife on my toe (yes, that toe) while making toast. I am, by far, the most consistent uncoordinated person EVER. 

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: And then I proceeded to trip across my bed (yes, across my bed. Don't ask) on my way to post this update and dragged my toe across the bed. That skin flap is so toast (haha).

So, in conclusion, my gut feels like Mount Saint Helens***, my toe smells like Limburger, and I'm on the verge of becoming a super-hairy, super-smelly, hermit/recluse. Or maybe something more like this:

(Original source)

And furthermore, what is up with the world being sans PMS-meds right now? Seriously, that shit should be handed out like candy to every woman anytime we walk into a drug store/grocery store/post office/coffee shop/liquor store...

* See here and here if you didn't catch the meaning of this post's title.
** If you're new to this blog, at this point you're probably imagining how seriously freakin' hot I am, right? And you would be right. I am smokin'!
*** This site says Mount Saint Helens is a volcano that "erupted in 1980 and wreaked havoc on the people once again." I was born in 1980. Coincidence? I think not.

7 comments:

Jules said...

WTF is wrong with your toe if it looks like that AND is starting to smell? That isn't good..... Um. I think you have a problem there......

Krista said...

That's it? That is you almost lacerated toe tip? I was expecting something a little bigger.... Hmmmm. What on earth is that grotesque looking doll all about?

Clare and Gary said...

Haha... love it... new to your blog from The Writing Womb.. going to add a link on my blog (hope you don't mind!)

April said...

@ Jules- Yeah, I think I may have to invest in some hydrogen peroxide or something. Like I said, I'm thinking I may have to perform some sort of surgery on it...

@ Krista- Thanks for down-playing my injury. I don't believe I ever mentioned "laceration". Furthermore, are you getting enough sleep? You're kind of mean today.

@ C & G- Thanks, and no problem!

Krista said...

I still have not forgotten your lack of sympathy when I was on my deathbed. :-) And no, I did not get enough sleep last night. I am miserable as hell today! You need to come save your nephews.

kimberly montoya said...

hahhaha you're so gross. i love you. i am pretty sure if you were in san diego, we could recover together (you from your toe injury, me from poisoning myself) because i have been pretty lazy and grotesque lately as well. it happens to the best of us. i'll be cute tomorrow, or next month.

Erin said...

Yeesh! That toe pic snuck up on me (I'm toe-phobic). I also have a freakishly long second toe and am consistently mocked for it. No pedicure can really ever make it right.

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