shhh... it's a secret

Friday, May 21, 2010

"Oh, that's classy"

Oh my god. I lost a follower. What the hell? This isn't really doing much for my self-esteem or my state-of-mind. I mean, we all know how fragile I've been lately, right? You know, being unemployed, practically friendless, possibly homeless...

I mean, really, I'm already on my way to becoming a full-fledged drunk. I'm about one-step away from taking up residency on a street corner and drinking with bums

How did this happen? What did I do? Why? WHY?

Was it all my gangrene toe pics? My rants about being sans toilet paper? Am I swearing too much? Am I not being funny enough? It's hard to be funny when you're in the deep, dark hole of depression. Did someone just realize that I'm not as sweet and innocent as they initially thought? I mean, that's fine. I'm used to that. Happens to me all the time.

I kind of wish there were some sort of exit interview whenever you want to stop following a blog. That would be great. I would fill it out. You know, like when I stopped following that one blog, I would have answered,
"I stopped following you because you stopped posting. My blog roll was getting a bit long, and I needed to clean house. End of story.
Or that time I stopped following that other blog, I would have said,  
"You're blog has become a pimp. When I first started following you, you talked about your interesting life. Now all you do is pimp out products that you review so you can get them for free. If I was interested in that sort of thing, I'd watch QVC."
I mean, when you dump a person you usually give a reason, right? When you stop being friends with someone (in the real world) there's usually a reason, right? When you stop talking to your family members you usually have a reason, right?

At any rate, I lost a follower, but on the bright side, I gained two, so I guess the world just righted itself (the rejection still stings though).

On another note...

I attended that fancy* little award ceremony I told you all about... alone, because I'm cool like that. Everyone else had family-type people there and significant others and what not. Not me though. I went stag. It wasn't really that big of an issue for me, at least not until we got to the point in the ceremony where you had to go up to shake the hand of the President,** accept your piece of paper, pause, and smile so your proud parents could take a gazillion photos of you.

Graduates all around me were going up to accept their awards, parents and boyfriends were rushing down the aisles to capture their baby's shining moment, *flash*! *flash*! *flash*!

That is, until... they announced... my name. I hobbled down to the front of the room, well aware of  the fact that all eyes were on me, at which point I wished I had taken the time to iron my skirt and done something more with my hair. Then the President grabbed my hand with his death-grip-I-refuse-to-let-you-go handshake, forcing me to pause, flashing his cheesy smile, and I was all like,
"Dude. What are you trying to do to me here? Do you see anyone rushing down for this photo op? No. Do you see any bright lights going off? No. Please, let's not drag this out. Everyone's looking at me. Just let go of my hand and let me slink back to my seat."
Not that I was in any rush to get back to my seat. I had the great luck of sitting next to this professor who was vaguely familiar looking, but not someone I actually knew. After we exchanged pleasantries she pointed to my bandaged toe and said,  
"Oh, that's nice."  
You know, in a very snooty, mocking tone of voice, kind of like she was thinking, 
"Oh, that's nice, you're at an award ceremony where you're going to be shaking hands with the President of the college and you chose to wear sandals with your nasty, bandaged toe hanging out?"
I then felt the need to defend my toe as well as my choice of footwear. I mean, it took me two hours to decide on an outfit that was business casual and would look okay with the only pair of fancy sandals I own because my toe refused to be shoved into a pair of closed-toe shoes. So, back off, lady, back off!

To top it all off, I hadn't had time to make coffee that morning so I was suffering from the worst headache in the history of caffeine withdrawl. Needless to say, as soon as the thing was over, I hightailed it out of there.

Oh, but the embarrassment wasn't over yet... 

As I was making my way to the arts building to clean my office out, Mother Nature decided to send a nice big gust of wind my way, snatching my award out of my hands and blowing it far, far away from me. And yes, I then became that person, desperately chasing that elusive piece of paper down the sidewalk in giant leaps and bounds, all the while trying not to land on my toe (or the award) because not only did it still hurt from the previous wound, but I had also managed to cut the bottom of the same toe on the corner of a table-top easel while getting dressed earlier in the day. I know what you're thinking***, "For the love of god, why weren't you wearing shoes?" Oh, but I was. As luck would have it, that easel managed to maneuver its corner in between my shoe and my toe just as I was stepping down. Stupid luck.

At any rate, here I am, in the 90° heat, chasing my award down the sidewalk like a crippled gazelle (I was going to use antelope, but gazelle just sounds more graceful, which of course, I am), cursing the wind for its mischievous antics, trying desperately to hold my skirt down, all the while getting more and more annoyed because every time that dang paper was in reach, the wind whipped it out of my way again.

Finally, the award came to rest, wrapped around the legs of some poor passerby. As I'm peeling the paper off and wiping the sweat from my face, I hear,  
"Oh, that's classy." 
I look up, brushing my disheveled hair from my eyes, and wouldn't you know it, it's the same professor I was seated next to during the ceremony.

Sonofabitch. Well yeah, lady, it just so happens I am the epitome of class. Obviously she doesn't read my blog, or she would know this. Whatever. I just earned my Masters degree and I'm an Outstanding graduate, so back off, lady, back the fuck off!

* They had chocolate covered strawberries, cannolis, a cheese tray AND a punch bowl filled with cranberry juice. Nice.
** Incidentally, there were some graduates who hugged the President when accepting their awards. What kind of nerd do you have to be to be on a hugging-basis with the President of the college?
*** Actually, you were probably thinking, "How the hell did you manage to step on a table-top easel?" Good question. As it happens, everything that I own that belongs somewhere other than on the floor is currently on the floor of my room.


Laura said...

people suck...sorry~

erin said...

Every once in awhile I'll lose a bunch of followers at once.

Like three or four in one day. Then I'll get back a bunch a couple days later.


I think you're classy...or something resembling classy, at least.

MeredithDuck said...

I'm one of the two new ones! Don't worry - I'm not going anywhere. And if I do I will surely give you a lengthy explanation of how you pissed me off. :)

I would have punched that whore in the face. No joke. Well, maybe I'm joking - but its a nice idea at least.

The Naked Writer said...

wow...what a story! Hmmm, I totally understand about being stag at all the things that happen in your's somehow freeing in a way cause you don't have to put on a shiny happy face for anyone but also there's a sense of emptiness in it too...cause if there isn't anyone to share it with, sometimes, it doesn't feel like such a big deal. But..with that being said, even though you had no one with you there at the actual awards, we all got to be there through this most excellent post...and so, you got to share your graduation with not just a couple of people but a whole bunch of us...which is wonderful! congrats i am sure you worked your butt of for it ;o)
i have only ever lost 1 person but when i did , i felt the exact same way like i was being broken up with even though all i did was try to please the other but also be true to myself...and i couldnt' even take pleasure in the fact that i had over 100 other people that follow my blog, i just kept harping on the one that got away and why can't i be better...i guess it's a little easier to deal with that kind of stuff if you are in a happier place! i hope you find your happy place this weekend and i love your posts!
To see the world through your eyes is a treat ;o)

One Pea said...

@ Laura- they do
@ Erin- I guess the world always has a way of righting itself
@ MDuck- Thanks for joining the peanut gallery, and by all means, let me have it!
@ NakedW- That's just what I needed to hear, you're too kind. It seems I'm having the darnedest time finding my happy place lately. Thanks for the support!

I'mPissedOffBecause said...

Shouldn't you be more concerned about the fate of the follower? I mean, someone is missing for God's sake.

But actually I just clicked to "follow" you right before I read this post. I hope that breaks you even.

tiffany said...

So this is pretty hilarious and made me laugh a bunch of times. And also made me so glad that you're the winner of the cupcake toppers because you deserve a few of those bad boys after going through this! (oh and the degree too. of course.)

Snooty people who treat you like you're still a teenager are super lame. I totally feel you're pain on this subject... I could go on for a few paragraphs but I won't..

Send me your mailing address and I'll get this major award off to you pronto.


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